What am I doing wrong? Attention from men

[Treetopssofee]

WTF

I'm a happily invisible to men menopausal woman.

Until the last month or so! Men are paying me attention and I don't know why, I don't like it, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I've done to unwittingly encourage it.

What am I doing wrong? I like the safety of being irrelevant and invisible and unfuckable. For context I was a very early "developed" tween and got a lot of unwanted attention from grown men which I've been delighted to age out of.

I don't make it my job to make small talk with performatively lonely looking older men in coffee shops

I don't make myself small for man splainers.

I don't laugh at shit jokes

I don't step out of the way first on footpaths

Hatred. Yep you really hate me for not wanting to interact with men.

How does it affect you so badly I wonder?

I don’t think people hate you OP, we pity you 😂

Okay

What do you think I'm missing out on by having as little to do with men as I possibly can?

I hate attention so I get where you are coming from but I don't see men as just "men". I would hate for someone to just define me as a "woman". I'm a human being first and foremost and that's how I see other people, men and women. But I don't have any traumatic experiences so my vision isn't clouded by that, which surely makes it easier. I only avoid men who aren't earnest and who treat me like a woman and not a fellow human being.

What if that is what's happening? People (including men) are just treating you nicely and don't care about the fact that you have a vagina. If you have never had male friends I suppose it's difficult to take in. I have a normal father, brothers and sons so I might be biased.

If men just treating me nicely and no differently to men, then why did they stop for a decade and a half when I went and got not-young?

This is not a unique experience to me there's another current thread going about it.

I never said that I've had no male friends. Because I have.

I never said I had a bad relationship with my father, because I didn't.

I never said I've never been close to my brother, because I have.

I think you might have super-imposed an idea that I came out of a nunnery, had an isolated trauma with a bad egg, and have been hiding away in social isolation ever since.

This, character and back story hasn't come from me or my posts, because I've had a full life with all kinds of relationships. These are all your assumptions. I do not invest in men any more. That doesn't make me some kind of under exposed wildling who wouldn't know my own shadow and makes fire with flint (actually I do that sometimes for fun. But can also use a boiler 😉)

I don’t hate you. I think you are mentally ill and need some help with that.

And what is your diagnosis?

Give me a list of symptoms, because obviously if you're TRUELY concerned that I'm having some sort of MH crisis, you will want me sign posting myself to professionals right?

What am I presenting with?

What's so "mad" about having not missed men, when they wrote me off?

As well as earphones and a hat could you wear a big lapel badge that says Fuck Off. They will notice you, but they will be looking at you in fear and won’t want to interact.

Saying the OP’s vision “ is clouded” is quite pejorative is it not?! Most sensible women are more wary of strange men than they are of unknown women if they have any common sense.

Just a thought. I don't tend to speak to or smile at women I don't know not because I have "written them off" but more because, pleasant as they may appear to be, I suspect they would not be grateful for attention from strangers. Are you sure it was this, rather than some aversion from knowing you, that led to men "ignoring" you. Though I can't say why this might have changed.

I think you've hit the age of useful older woman for men who are 35-50 - young enough to be help out with their kids or older relatives, without needing any support themselves. They will expect you to be grateful for being brought into their lovely families, and to help fill your sad late middle aged days.

For single men who are 60plus, you could help them directly, as they can't be expected to manage their own lives/homes/medical problems.

My advice is to be pleasant and let them engage in conversation with you, but swear a lot, and properly - motherfucker and cunt are your starters.

Watch them squirm as they are shocked at your unwomanliness, but still want you to their unpaid surrogate gran.

Maybe you look like a friendly granny, OP.

I hate the male gaze too.
I'm married but never again.
Nearly six foot blonde, big boobs and now disabled but they were still staring at my chest today. Arse holes

Me too.

Also, I think some men are trying to be part of the solution. I say this as a woman who is divorcing an abusive prick and feeling particularly negative about men at the minute.

I had a couple of lovely interactions with random men recently that felt different. Like genuine human to human interactions. Sadly they stood out as surprising.

One was a couple of lads more than half my age carrying beers with music playing heading for the beach. We were walking on different paths that merged and we merged at the same time. They were wearing tracksuits and baseball caps and carrying beers. I had assumptions. When we got closer they turned the music off. One said hello we will let you go first. I said hello, you go first, you’ll be faster than me. He did but it turned out we walked at the same speed. He says we have a rare day off and heading to the beach while it’s nice. I said lovely. Have a nice time. Good to make the most of it. He agreed and then said ‘We will drop back so it’s not weird for you’. There was no edge. No sense of discomfort. Clearly not sexual in any way - I could be their grandmother! It was notable just how aware they were of not being antisocial and not making me uncomfortable as a lone woman.

Second was a contractor. Again. Just normal. No mansplaining. No patronising. We worked together to find the problem. Him with his expertise if his trade. Me with my expertise of my house. No sexual undertones. Just two people.

Now, of course, this SHOULD just be the norm. It shouldn’t be surprising. But it was surprising and I wonder if there is a bit of education and awareness getting through.