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Feminism: chat

What am I doing wrong? Attention from men

236 replies

Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 17:28

WTF

I'm a happily invisible to men menopausal woman.

Until the last month or so! Men are paying me attention and I don't know why, I don't like it, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I've done to unwittingly encourage it.

What am I doing wrong? I like the safety of being irrelevant and invisible and unfuckable. For context I was a very early "developed" tween and got a lot of unwanted attention from grown men which I've been delighted to age out of.

I don't make it my job to make small talk with performatively lonely looking older men in coffee shops

I don't make myself small for man splainers.

I don't laugh at shit jokes

I don't step out of the way first on footpaths

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 23:35

Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 23:29

No but it's VERY like that experience
Remarkably similar

(I was obese after my toughest pregnancy for a few years, so experienced the phenomenon of losing it and then being "re-humanised" of for example, bus drivers suddenly having change if I needed it, and the postman giving me time to get to the door, and not being passed over for work opportunities)

It's exactly like that

But my weight hasn't changed at all I'm recent years. Nor do I enjoy recreational shopping soy clothes haven't changed much

Except for a key difference

When I was obese I was treated as less visibly by everyone. Men and women. And I didn't like it

When I visibly aged I just became invisible to men, and it's been lovely

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 23:38

O00ps · 05/06/2026 23:26

Pheromones. The ones produced during menopause. I was invisible all my life until then.
Suddenly I become visible. Men would stop in their tracks to look at me, smile at me, see me! Why! ?!
I'm not sure where you are on the menopause journey but this part was strange.
At the same time I was aware that my body was wanting a last chance to procreate, so that's why I assumed it was giving off stronger signals/pheromones.

That last egg in there somewhere sabotaging my peace?

This is hopeful, it has an expiry and means I'll regain my invisibility 🤞

OP posts:
Zov · 05/06/2026 23:42

Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 23:24

Have I aged out of the sweet spot?

I stopped looking young

But now I'm old enough to be a potential nurse or a purse?

And the relief of being neither was only temporary 😞

Yes, some men are just being polite, but I think you are also very likely encountering cocklodgers, (if they're younger/around your age,) and men looking for a nurse/a woman to be his housemaid, if they are older.

I had a man in my village last summer walking past my driveway and chatting to me, complimenting me every time he went past, telling me I was very pretty, and my garden was lovely, bringing me flowers around (out of his garden) and just being a bloody nuisance to be honest.

After the first few times I was like 🙄inside. Smiling outwardly but sighing inside...

After the 7th time he was about to pass (this was all in the same few days) I called my husband out, and asked him to help me get something out of the garage. This man saw him and his face hit the pavement. He didn't know I was married. The man had lived in my road - 7 doors down - for about a year and a half, yet had never noticed there was a man and a woman living here. He thought I was alone. He couldn't get away fast enough, and never walked past our house again.

A week later I saw a post on our village Facebook page from one of the people at the Church... 'Hello everyone, Mr Andrews who lives alone in Lindon Road has recently lost his twin sister to cancer, and so he is looking for someone to cook him dinner every evening, to take him to town every Wednesday, and to do his washing and ironing and some light household duties. A small fee will be paid, but Mr Andrews cannot afford much. Contact Reverend Alexander.'

Mr Andrews was this man. He was in his early 60s and had always lived alone (since he and his sister's parents died 30 years earlier.) His sister had lived a mile away with her husband, they had one son who moved to Spain 10 years ago. She had done much of his cooking and cleaning and housework.

Cheeky bastard had been 'chatting me up' because he was trying to flatter and manipulate me into being his housemaid, cook, and skivvy. Hmm

.

JLou08 · 05/06/2026 23:46

There's a rumour you're a prostitute? You look like someone on Only Fans?

No one here knows you so can't tell you the reason. But if you haven't changed the way you look and have previously been 'invisible' then some sordid rumour is the best explanation. Or it's just all in your head and no one actually is looking at you the way you think they are. Or they always did but you didn't notice.

Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 23:50

Zov · 05/06/2026 23:42

Yes, some men are just being polite, but I think you are also very likely encountering cocklodgers, (if they're younger/around your age,) and men looking for a nurse/a woman to be his housemaid, if they are older.

I had a man in my village last summer walking past my driveway and chatting to me, complimenting me every time he went past, telling me I was very pretty, and my garden was lovely, bringing me flowers around (out of his garden) and just being a bloody nuisance to be honest.

After the first few times I was like 🙄inside. Smiling outwardly but sighing inside...

After the 7th time he was about to pass (this was all in the same few days) I called my husband out, and asked him to help me get something out of the garage. This man saw him and his face hit the pavement. He didn't know I was married. The man had lived in my road - 7 doors down - for about a year and a half, yet had never noticed there was a man and a woman living here. He thought I was alone. He couldn't get away fast enough, and never walked past our house again.

A week later I saw a post on our village Facebook page from one of the people at the Church... 'Hello everyone, Mr Andrews who lives alone in Lindon Road has recently lost his twin sister to cancer, and so he is looking for someone to cook him dinner every evening, to take him to town every Wednesday, and to do his washing and ironing and some light household duties. A small fee will be paid, but Mr Andrews cannot afford much. Contact Reverend Alexander.'

Mr Andrews was this man. He was in his early 60s and had always lived alone (since he and his sister's parents died 30 years earlier.) His sister had lived a mile away with her husband, they had one son who moved to Spain 10 years ago. She had done much of his cooking and cleaning and housework.

Cheeky bastard had been 'chatting me up' because he was trying to flatter and manipulate me into being his housemaid, cook, and skivvy. Hmm

.

Edited

Yep, I can well believe it, but I'm pretty careful with that.

I am friendly with all the older ladies on my street and help them with bits and pieces. They never assume or expect more than I offer. And anything I do they always repay in some way even though I don't expect it (like nice plant cuttings and thank you notes)

I don't make small talk with the performatively lonely old men though... they're a whole other animal and I don't even get into passing weather chat with them!

That's a trap I've been in before and once they tell social services that they have a lady neighbour who they're sure will help them with bits of shopping (that I never offered or did!) it takes months, YEARS, of batting away hospital social workers who think they can discharge into your care every time hes bounced in and out of hospital!

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 23:54

JLou08 · 05/06/2026 23:46

There's a rumour you're a prostitute? You look like someone on Only Fans?

No one here knows you so can't tell you the reason. But if you haven't changed the way you look and have previously been 'invisible' then some sordid rumour is the best explanation. Or it's just all in your head and no one actually is looking at you the way you think they are. Or they always did but you didn't notice.

Not rumours as it's strangers as well as acquaintances

Maybe I have an OF GILF doppelganger? But it's not double takes or looks of recognition, it's just being noticed and acknowledged. In a way you would register if you've experienced being not noticed for some time.

I've already answered the all in your head bit

OP posts:
wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 00:20

Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 22:58

And it's not unreasonable to suspect festish COULD be a reason (e.g. when pregnant women can get unwanted festish attention, maybe some do when they're older too?) and a woman wondering if there's something like that going does NOT mean they enjoy or want it

I do not

Being wanted by men is an unsafe state to be in, I do NOT want it to be that just because I'm asking the question

You sound very angry - I don't notice most people around me as I just don't care anymore. I am polite and considerate but I could not get to the level of unhinged you are to be honest......

Mansplanations · 06/06/2026 00:21

I am with @O00ps Theres a change in you!
The men of the world around you can’t all have changed, can’t all have seen OF, can’t all be cockloders. The common denominator in this thread is you.

You sound like you have a lot to unpick from your transition into a teenager . This will be both physical and neurological lead by hormonal changes. Menopause and Andropause are the third phase of life.

Sounds like the way you have been is not the way you are changing neurologicaly. You are currently fighting these changes by relating them to the negative experiences when they last changed as a teenager

If you possibly lean into these new feelings , looking to take all the positives of all you life lived experiences you could have a third phase that is more joyous than has gone before.

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:26

Mansplanations · 06/06/2026 00:21

I am with @O00ps Theres a change in you!
The men of the world around you can’t all have changed, can’t all have seen OF, can’t all be cockloders. The common denominator in this thread is you.

You sound like you have a lot to unpick from your transition into a teenager . This will be both physical and neurological lead by hormonal changes. Menopause and Andropause are the third phase of life.

Sounds like the way you have been is not the way you are changing neurologicaly. You are currently fighting these changes by relating them to the negative experiences when they last changed as a teenager

If you possibly lean into these new feelings , looking to take all the positives of all you life lived experiences you could have a third phase that is more joyous than has gone before.

And are all the women who have significantly changed appearances in other ways such as weight change or visible disability, and have experienced being treated differently as a result, all suffered from the same psychological hallucinations?

Or is it possible that people in fact DO get treated differently when their outward presentations change?

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:30

wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 00:20

You sound very angry - I don't notice most people around me as I just don't care anymore. I am polite and considerate but I could not get to the level of unhinged you are to be honest......

That's nice.

A "less unhinged" more polite friend of mine who is nice to everybody was nice in passing to a lonely looking older man a few weeks ago

She has a stalker now. It's become quite serious.

I'm not interested in being nice to men. I'm interested in being off their radar.

OP posts:
Mansplanations · 06/06/2026 00:35

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:26

And are all the women who have significantly changed appearances in other ways such as weight change or visible disability, and have experienced being treated differently as a result, all suffered from the same psychological hallucinations?

Or is it possible that people in fact DO get treated differently when their outward presentations change?

Forgive me but I don’t really understand your question but if you mean do I agree that from women lived experiences of the examples you have given they will receive different attention from men and women then the answer is unequivocally yes!!

In your op though and replies you state that your physical appearance has not changed since you noticed this new phenomenon of becoming visible to men. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I would also not describe them or minimise them as hallucinations or fabrications but clinically proven neurological changes in brain function lead by hormonal changes (men and women)

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:36

Does MN know that they can delete the whole feminism section?

Because apparently, outside of my unhinged head, things like agism and sexism do not exist. And men are equally polite and well meaning to all people that they encounter with no prejudice.

This is great news.

All is well and good in the world after all now that I've been told that we live in this utopia of women's safety and equality

OP posts:
BloodyRoses · 06/06/2026 00:40

OP do you think you've hit that age where you remind them of their old granny? And treat you no longer like a 'what if' but now you're a 'do you (need help etc)?

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:44

BloodyRoses · 06/06/2026 00:40

OP do you think you've hit that age where you remind them of their old granny? And treat you no longer like a 'what if' but now you're a 'do you (need help etc)?

Im not at frail help me cross the road then post on Facebook for praise about your good deed age yet.

Gran? Possible, but in a vague way, as I said up thread I'm not from where I live so wouldn't physically resemble many people's grans that significantly, but possibly I might fit into a more matronly stereotype now where they think I'll ask to watch their kids for them now that I have an empty nest kind of thing

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:48

I don't look like I need assistance

I don't have grandchildren, I have adult children (well one still at home in college, but more or less all mostly grown). I do have friends my age who are new grans, but we're not OLD old

OP posts:
wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 00:51

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:30

That's nice.

A "less unhinged" more polite friend of mine who is nice to everybody was nice in passing to a lonely looking older man a few weeks ago

She has a stalker now. It's become quite serious.

I'm not interested in being nice to men. I'm interested in being off their radar.

Oh dear Lord. I think this says more about you and the company you keep. I manage to go about my day without being harrassed by men in any way. My daughter gets unwanted attention all the time - she is young and beautiful. She also knows how to tell them to fuck off. I am old and don't encounter what you seem to. WHY are you engaging with/enough to know men want something from you? Just ignore and move on? Men at work I have to deal with don't behave like you describe and nor do any I encounter daily.

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:51

I do realise that nobody ever thinks they're the oldies 🤣
And the 80 year olds in the nursing homes think that they don't resemble the real old residents in their 90s

I'm just well into middle age

OP posts:
PollyPeep · 06/06/2026 00:54

Treetopssofee · 05/06/2026 22:21

Don't want to be their friends
Being friends with men doesn't work out in women's favour

I would like to go back to being not considered as friend material by men, like I have happily been since I went and got old and useless to look at

How do I unsubscribe?

My guess is you've moved into the "unthreatening older lady" category and that the school-run dads are smiling at you or saying good morning because

  1. They want to set a good example to their kids
  2. They remind you of their mum / MIL
  3. They are being polite
  4. It's a sunny day and they're feeling friendly towards their fellow humans

I'm a school-run mum and these are the reasons I smile and say hello to older people. Assume no further motives.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 00:57

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:51

I do realise that nobody ever thinks they're the oldies 🤣
And the 80 year olds in the nursing homes think that they don't resemble the real old residents in their 90s

I'm just well into middle age

Have you had a calming tea or something?

Pistachiocake · 06/06/2026 00:57

People just trying to be friendly and nice to other humans. My mum always enjoyed chatting to others, and you can learn interesting things, or help people. All of the kids were encouraged to be chatty and friendly by seeing the older people do it, and she's sure that it helped prevent a lot of racism because the family always chatted when they first came to the country, and were friendly.

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 00:58

wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 00:51

Oh dear Lord. I think this says more about you and the company you keep. I manage to go about my day without being harrassed by men in any way. My daughter gets unwanted attention all the time - she is young and beautiful. She also knows how to tell them to fuck off. I am old and don't encounter what you seem to. WHY are you engaging with/enough to know men want something from you? Just ignore and move on? Men at work I have to deal with don't behave like you describe and nor do any I encounter daily.

I'm not. I don't entertain men at all. I have everything I need from my female friendships.

And don't you think that your daughter will get tired of HAVING to tell men to fuck off just so that she can get through the day, and when she ages out of that unsolicited attention, she might ENJOY not needing to anymore?

Because I've been enjoying it. It's LOVELY to be off mens radar.

If I can figure out what's changed I can mitigate it and go back to my mostly man free existence

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 01:01

Pistachiocake · 06/06/2026 00:57

People just trying to be friendly and nice to other humans. My mum always enjoyed chatting to others, and you can learn interesting things, or help people. All of the kids were encouraged to be chatty and friendly by seeing the older people do it, and she's sure that it helped prevent a lot of racism because the family always chatted when they first came to the country, and were friendly.

Do you think that not chatting to men = not chatting to all kinds of interesting people old and new?

I've not been short of conversation whilst off the radar of the general male population!

OP posts:
Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 01:07

PollyPeep · 06/06/2026 00:54

My guess is you've moved into the "unthreatening older lady" category and that the school-run dads are smiling at you or saying good morning because

  1. They want to set a good example to their kids
  2. They remind you of their mum / MIL
  3. They are being polite
  4. It's a sunny day and they're feeling friendly towards their fellow humans

I'm a school-run mum and these are the reasons I smile and say hello to older people. Assume no further motives.

So the Joe Swash effect?

They can keep it

I'll work on being more threatening

OP posts:
wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 01:14

I am going to bow out now but I brought my DD up to be strong and fearless - she takes no shit from men. Therefore they can throw what they like at her. Her male friends are supportive and I am hoping that another generation will stop the shit she gets - at 14 she was getting old men leering at her from cars and vans. She asked them if they spoke to their daugters like that. I am early 50's and happy to be invisible, not sure I ever believed I was visible when I was young.

Treetopssofee · 06/06/2026 01:20

wanttokickoffbutcant · 06/06/2026 01:14

I am going to bow out now but I brought my DD up to be strong and fearless - she takes no shit from men. Therefore they can throw what they like at her. Her male friends are supportive and I am hoping that another generation will stop the shit she gets - at 14 she was getting old men leering at her from cars and vans. She asked them if they spoke to their daugters like that. I am early 50's and happy to be invisible, not sure I ever believed I was visible when I was young.

That is grim

Common
Depressingly unsurprising

And grim

That "strength" she needs to navigate the grimness will exhaust her eventually, it did me!

And yet, despite you saying that you, like me, enjoy invisibility, you still can't understand why I don't relish the prospect of going back to being noticed by men?, regardless of their reason for deciding that I might be a human who exists again?

OP posts:
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