Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

Oh I DO understand it

except you don’t. Because you call it “a lie”. That’s the direct opposite of understanding.

What absolute nonsense this is.

Well, it's not true, is it. What else would you call it?

Father Christmas is an lie. A kindly one, told to make children happy - but technically a lie.

There's nothing kind about a man declaring he's a woman, and IMO nothing kind about pretending you believe him - either for him, or the women whose spaces he will violate in pursuing his fantasy.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE SEX.

Therefore it IS a lie.

Just because YOU don't want to admit this, doesn't mean I don't understand.

It is a non-achieveable state that can only be enabled through lying. These may be white lies in the minds of those who uphold it, but they are lies nonetheless.

Nice one line rebuttal.

You've never got past 'bekind' and thought about reality being really inconvienent and not always being the way you want it, have you?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be part of this side of her friends life. Her friend will be fine.

No not really, occasionally, but I usually preferred to shop on my own.

I told him from the outset I wasn't going to play that game! So I didn't let him. But yes he wanted me to do similar to what the OP's friend is wanting. Difference is, he is a nice non abusive guy and he respected my wishes when I said no. That is why the Op's post isn't about Trans at all. its about a highly unhealthy friendship. Most trans people are decent and don't sulk like a child when told no. But then, l guess that like my friend, they were most likely told no as a child and not spoiled.

I mean even if she did that's completely different than going out shopping with a man while he tries on womens clothes isn't it?

Obviously with women we can see when something really suits them or flatters them or not, with a man no womens clothes are going to suit them or flatter them so it's just weird and uncomfortable.

"Ooooh yeah that looks gorgeous on you, you look stunning 🙄"

I know a couple of Reform voters (through work). They post EDL stuff on social media.

I'm willing to be unbiased but if they post racist shit, they're racist. Life is too short to allow those people into your life.

POSSIBLY (rather than probably) is an advert that acknowledges something might be present. It is less of an intensifier than your choice of 'probably'. I used possibly because in my experience of Reform voters I know, they have been racist. It's similar to my use of the modal verb 'might' about the possibility of how people perceive me as a left wing nut job.

*adverb

It is a non-achieveable state that can only be enabled through lying

🤦🏼‍♀️.

And yet some people are trans and will continue to be trans no matter how much you insist it’s a lie 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes some will continue to be trans or to at least continue to believe they are trans, they won't become the other sex, ever.

Of course some people are trans. It's self evident. If they say they are the opposite sex to the one they actually are, they are trans, because that's all trans is.

Of course. There are plenty of people who spend much of their lives completely immersed in fantasy. Look at the billions who pray to imaginary gods and look forward to an afterlife that won't be there.

Unfortunately this doesn't mean that such delusions are necessarily harmless. The trans rights movement, for example, seeks to cancel all women's sex-based rights, to commandeer the very definition of the word "woman", and demands that the rest of humanity should affirm and endorse their disconnect with reality.

While seeking to fill the heads of young children with these distorted ideas, which has already led to an epidemic of gender-themed mental illness amongst young people, especially vulnerable girls.

Trans exists in only so much as there are people who pretend to be the opposite sex they are. That doesn’t make them the opposite sex in any real or material way. It simply makes them a trans identifying person. It’s a mere fiction.

I'm not disputing that.

HOWEVER

They are still one sex who identify with sexist gender stereotypes of the opposite sex.

Because sex is not gender.

And they would be altogether better off if we dealt with sexism and regressive gender stereotyping rather than multilating their bodies and having long term health complications as a result. If they hate their bodies, then all these 'treatments' STILL aren't a fix as the data is starting to prove.

There are lots of detransitioners who are openly saying they were 'sold a lie' or an impossible 'solution' as a quick fix.

This is the problem.

I do not have one single shred of doubt that we are witnessing a medical scandal unfolding and a social catastrophe akin to a religion cult (interesting to see the parallels with the Jesus Army from the 70s to the 90s) with many harms done due to a failure to ask the appropriate safeguarding questions.

NONE of this is kind. None of it.

The shaming, shunning and the general guilt tripping of those who see the inherent problems is appalling and is coercive and abusive. Again, this is not kind.

No one actually bothers to centre the NEEDS of trans people a lot of the time (needs are not wants and desires and sometimes someone can have wants which really aren't in their own best interests and therefore not aligned with their own needs). Nor do they consider various vulnerability nor the ability to drive a truck through safeguarding and the implications of this.

Its all built of conflation and lies and collapses on contact with reality. None of this is about wanting to be 'mean' or 'hateful'. Its just life which is a bit shitty sometimes but we still have to deal with it rather than being avoidant or pressuring others to uphold a fantasy world that does not exist.

Suggest he buy the England Lionesses kit. They do that in men's sizes and fits, but it is based around the kit designed for women. See how he gets his head around that.

Whatever you think you mean when you repeat that mantra is irrelevant. People will continue to be trans and live their lives as such.

Being trans is not imaginary.

OP I feel really sorry for your friend that the only person they have felt able to confide in is someone who doesn’t accept them.

I think it’s really important that you distance yourself from this person as right now they need to be surrounded by people who love and support them no matter what.

I would suggest being honest that you are not able to provide support with this. Then I would move on from this friendship.

"Being trans" is real, but what it usually means is: living a fantasy in which the subject pretends to be a member of the opposite sex.

True, there are some trans people who do realise, for example, that "being a transwoman" is a uniquely male experience, and who don't try to convince people that "transwomen are women".

But their voices are drowned out by the trans rights lobby, which does indeed subscribe to the full delusion, and tries to force it onto society in general, at the expense of women's rights and children's rights.

No one says it is.

It is however a fantasy and make believe to say you've changed sex. Even after surgery.

Not accepting someone is not the same as not wishing to indulge a fantasy.

It's perfectly feasible to accept someone but not do their politics. And this is politics.

HTH.

The fact that he is relying on one person is his choice and it is not the OP's responsibility. If the OP makes it very clear that she will not make herself available then maybe her friend will realise that he needs to find or build a broader support and friendship base and not rely on her so much.

If the OP and her friend live in a university town then there will be trans-friendly social support.

It's easy to tell yourself "oh everyone is so transphobic" when the reality is more "I need better social skills and make more effort myself".