Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

I had better tell that to my trans friend then. That we can't be friends because I'm GC. .😁😂

I couldn't be friends with a Reform voter, for example in the same way many couldn't be friends with a Jeremy Corbyn supporter

That’s an extremely childish way to look at life. I thought that way when I was 18. We grow up.

It’s not the fact that he asked OP to go on a shopping trip. It’s the fact that he realises she’s uncomfortable with it and is getting angry and aggressive because she won’t participate. He’s part of OP’s friendship group so he clearly knows she’s the only one who’s gender critical, so why did he pick her ? So yes, he’s manipulative and coercive. Women are not here to do mens’ bidding and that applies equally to those men who prefer to wear dresses and make up.

It already is becoming untenable for OP because of the trans friend's sulking and aggressive behaviour . I could not put up with an adult behaving like a spoilt toddler over someone placing a reasonable boundary .

I do think it’s possible for someone GC to be friends with a trans person. But you both have to have maturity and tolerance in equal measure. And it doesn’t sound as though OP’s friendship group has either if he’s throwing teddy out of the pram because OP has boundaries - of which he must have been aware if he was part of her friendship group.

Weird comment, @Loki64 . Gay people have never impacted me with their lifestyle. Why would they? They are same sex attracted and perfectly normal people.

OTOH men who disguise themselves as women DO impact me when they invade spaces meant for females. They get aggressive when challenged, as the OP's friend did when she showed reluctance and stalled.

I think you should step away from this person, she doesn't need your negatively.

It’s not his fault really.

The law sets out this ridiculous legal fiction of ‘living as a woman’ and the law makers seemed to think that means wearing lipstick and using women’s lavs.

Never the low pay and the lifelong sexual harassment. Just the frothy dress wearing stuff.

And what are you going to do when things aren’t going well and he displays the same kind of anger and aggression towards you, as he’s doing now to OP, simply because he can’t get his own way ? Or when he’s riding roughshod over your own boundaries ? Because these are male traits, not female. Women aren’t here to do men’s bidding, or to facilitate the delusion that they can ‘become’ a woman simply by putting on a dress and make up.

😄
They need to bring back the laugh emoji.

This is a tricky one. I’d have a problem with him saying he thinks he can “become” a woman or wants to “be a woman” and would feel like I wasn’t being true to myself by going shopping with him. However, I support people expressing themselves in whatever way they want so if he said he wanted to explore his feminine side or just wanted to try wearing dresses and heels I’d happily go shopping with him. I don’t think it’s a sexual thing for most men, for a small percentage yes, but not for the majority. If I had a female friend who said they wanted to be a man and asked me to go shopping for men’s clothes I’d say hell yes! Even though I don’t believe you can change sex there is no anger and resentment there like there is when a man wants to “become” a woman. I guess because there is no threat

Believing that sex is immutable and having boundaries which include not wanting to be a handmaiden facilitating a delusion is not negativity. It’s cold, hard reality.

These aren't male or female trsits. They are abuser traits. It's not to do with them being trans or male.

Numerous studies have found that men are significantly more likely than women to use physical violence, threats, and harassment, and to be repeat offenders. That doesn’t change because a man decides he’s really a woman. As evidenced by OP’s friend’s aggressive behaviour because she’s not giving him what he wants.

Why do they need help, and why are they so insistent on you being the one to help? I'd have thought if you really feel you are female you would be able to make your own choices about clothes, hair etc?

The OP certainly doesn't need the negativity, that's for sure. She deserves better, someone who respect a her boundaries and needs. I hope she gets to realising she is worth much more. Often it's a lack of self worth that keeps us locked into these unhelpful relationships.

If they genuinely feel like a woman why do they need help with these things? They should just do what most girls/women do, experiment in front of the mirror and work it out for themselves using their supposedly innate feminine instincts. If they need the help of real women to present as a woman, well that tells you all you need to know.

Ha I just basically said the same thing (sorry, I hadn’t yet read your post).

There appears to be a quite fundamental flaw in their thinking.

It is also cruelty. Just let people be. It is none of our business how they choose to live their life. If we don’t like it we have to walk away.

A DF had bro who began transitioning … he made same request and in fact “shopping, lunch and makeup with my sister” were main things he wanted to do as Anne. He gushed to her about shopping and lunches whilst DF was mourning the loss of her brother and not excited about shopping.

DF felt he was so wrapped up in the “shopping & lunches at Harvey Nichols and Harrods on big shopping days” that he completely forgot about her, misread or ignored her. And DF didn’t want to do any of the things he was so excited about. She was so upset and grieving.

DF, withdrew from friendships, this was really hard for her. They had lost both parents, and were raised by grandparents who were very elderly … and DF worried about how they would understand and cope with Anne.

Then,
her bro moved home to help with ailing grandad and wisely chose not to surprise GP with bring Anne. As a man again, he reconnected with a female from school, got married & had kids, as a man.

No idea what he does in private, but in his community. He’s just a dad.

This makes me believe that trans is not always a permanent feeling.

if they were raised as men they haven’t had the lifetime conditioning that other women have had. Do you think that if you were raised as male your whole life that you would “naturally” know how to present to the world as a woman? And why shouldn’t they ask a friend to help them. Op doesn’t want to do it? Fine but then accept that you might have to end the relationship. Don’t present your negativity to the friend and then get put out when they get upset. Leave them alone.

This post is another sign of the OP’s cruel intent. They know what the views are towards trans women on here. They are just enjoying sticking the boot into their friend. Yuck.

Truth can be cruel, I guess. Do we just lie then, @MarieAndTwinette ?

I say no, I won't lie because that means my boundaries get trampled and I suffer. Lying that a man is a woman directly impacts me and all women and girls.

Do you think that if you were raised as male your whole life that you would “naturally” know how to present to the world as a woman?

What does this mean, exactly? Present how? I mean I wake in the morning, pull on jeans and a t shirt and deal with kids, chores, my job. I do it all as a woman, but am I presenting as one?

I’d only need help presenting as a man if it wasn’t something I’d ever thought about before.

Of course not. You have been raised as a woman from birth so it is second nature.