Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

[Artemi]

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

It is strange that, despite the amount of complaints I see about this issue on mumsnet, hardly any women actually seem to insist that their husband takes their name rather than the other way round.

Barely any even choose to keep their own names. The majority of women I know have taken their husband's name, despite all of this talk that seems so against it. I know only one or two who kept their maiden name.

Honestly, if we actually care about this issue then we all need to a) stop taking our husband's names on marriage, and b) try to normalise them taking ours.

I kept my name for work only for the accountant to insist on changing it for me.

Could you both take on a completely different surname and them you're little family can start afresh with its own name?

My DS has my surname. His father was beyond furious, but tough shit you know.
I don't know anyone else who has done it.
In my mind the person who carries him for 9 months, gives birth to him and puts in the most care chooses the name.

Don't think of it as a negative reflection on yourself. Think of it as a gift to your children. A nice name and good family.

In Spanish, everyone keeps their name on marriage and the children get the father's first surname followed by their mother's.

I always remember a woman who gave her first child her own name - she told me she didn't think she'd be with "him" (the father) for long.
Her second she double barrelled their names as they were still together.
Her third she have the child his name as they were now married.

1. I think it must be very confusing for the children (and schools etc)
2. It is a permanent record of how she was on the lookout for something/someone better but eventually settled for what she had.

I wonder if "he" or the children realise that.

@wrinkleintime (great book by the way!) It's not strange. Generally speaking it's what men want. And , generally speaking, what men want, they get. And even when they don't particularly care, women think they do, so they don't initiate the discussion. And it's hard to be a trail blazer, even in such a minor way.

Feminism is about choice, so do what is right for you.

We changed both our surnames to a new name, it was a faff but I'm glad we did it because I didn't like his surname and he didn't like mine.

Couldn't agree with you more. Good for you.

Whereas if she’d simply given all children her name, indeed if all women gave their children their name, there would be no such narrative. Because, let’s face it, the mother is overwhelmingly likely to be the one in her children’s lives. If we go by Mn, dads are a moveable feast.

I agree with your third sentence, and so does my partner. I chose his name for our children.

Your fourth sentence, that should read!

My kids have their fathers name. I kept my name. I don’t think anyone is bothered either way, it has never been questioned, even at borders.

Same. I agreed to his surname because it's nicer than mine.

I took my dcs to Australia and was simply asked if I was their mother, I said yes and that was it. I've been called Mrs their surname by the school a couple of times but that doesn't bother me.

I once heard a talk by a famous female social scientist, where someone in the audience (not me) asked what she thought about children taking their father's name. And she said she thought it was actually a good idea, because "Everyone knows who a child's mother is, in the family and everywhere else. But the father is only who he's claimed to be, so in a sense the child permanently having his name equalises the relationship."

There is some logic to that, but it's putting a social convention in some kind of equivalence to biology, so how equal can it ever be? Some things just can't be made exactly equal. It depends on what's seen as most important, maybe.

That's kind of what decided us. Everyone was going to know they were mine but we didn't want people thinking assuming DH was not their real dad, getting quizzed if he took them for their jabs or whatever. Whereas lots of women have different surnames to their DC. There are societal expectations and assumptions whatever you do though.

I dunno. When I married my husband I just said I'm keeping my name. That was the end of the discussion, really. Not difficult. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he pushed it because he also wanted to keep his own name, and we aim to have an equal relationship.

People reading threads like this simply need to reflect on it and choose to initiate a discussion with their children, family and friends - both male and female. Think about it, talk about it, raise awareness. That's how change happens.

Doesn't seem much better really - in that model, the male names are still the ones that ultimately gets passed down the lines as they are first.

Although, I have a Spanish friend who said she just chose which one to keep, rather than it automatically being the father's. She is a pretty staunch feminist though so might be breaking tradition!

@ExtremelyDetermined " we didn't want people thinking assuming DH was not their real dad, getting quizzed if he took them for their jabs or whatever" That's why you hyphenate.

Well at least women are accepted as people in their own right and not as appendages of their husbands. I'm Irish and can't google or look for friends from my youth, because I don't know who they married.

Feminism isn't about choice. Feminism is about the liberation of women, socially, politically and economically.

It might follow that if we had the full liberation of women, some things would be a matter of free choice for women without certain options being pushed and normalised. But that doesn't mean that choice is the object of feminism or that these options are all equal now.

My dds both have both my and my ex’s surname (no hyphen). I often just use one or the other informally though and it’s fine. They obviously have both on their passport.

You don't need a deed poll to change a surname, only a first name. You and your husband could invent or choose a totally different, neutral surname and all of you use that. Call youselves the Smith or Wasabi or Hmmphlumps family. New fresh start for your family.

This is true. Half of marriages end in divorce- I have no idea why any woman would change her name on marriage- it’s so old fashioned and patriarchal.