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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Awful victim blaming article - Emma Pattison 😢

169 replies

Babyboomtastic · 09/02/2023 09:26

I was shocked to see this on the metro website:

metro.co.uk/2023/02/08/emma-pattison-was-arrested-after-row-with-husband-years-before-death-18249909/

Headline: Epsom College head ‘was arrested after row with husband years before death’

Back in 2016 it seems that the husband phoned the police to say that she'll slapped him around the face, and then phoned back a few minutes later saying not to come as it was trivial. They came anyway, she was arrested, spoken to and then released without charge.

It goes on day sat that they were having counselling for marital problems and her job was one of the issues.

It comes across as 'poor man with violent workaholic wife snaps' 😡😡😡

IF she did slap him 6-7 years ago, that doesn't excuse murdering her or their child, and saying 'she was violent too, I was only defending myself, shes crazy etc' is textbook behaviour from many abusive men...

Urgh

OP posts:
foxlover47 · 09/02/2023 09:31

Sickening isn't it

endofthelinefinally · 09/02/2023 09:33

The Metro is a nasty misogynist rag.

Idontknownemore · 09/02/2023 09:34

And obviously written by a man. This poor child and mother 😔

VioletaDelValle · 09/02/2023 09:37

Don't read the comments.
They've made me rage 😡

QforCucumber · 09/02/2023 09:37

This came up as a 'breaking news' on my Sky News app last night and I instantly thought about how awful it is and how they're trying to take away from what has happened.

you Leave - You don't kill you wife, yourself and your poor 7 year old daughter.

AppleKatie · 09/02/2023 09:39

The only thing I ‘heard’ when I read that article was ‘so he’s been abusing her for a long time then’.

IF (and it’s a big IF seeing as she wasn’t charged) she did slap him then WHY did she? Since we know from her work and things colleagues have said about her that she was not habitually violent - in fact the opposite- what might have led to an incident such as this?

Given what we know about abuse statistically, isn’t it more likely that he phoned the police and lied in order to punish her? That he lost control of it a bit when they arrested her? But that upon to speaking to her outside the home environment the police discovered very quickly that she was not the problem?

Even a caution for a violent offence would have made a huge impact on her career- sounds like an excellent way to abuse and threaten your high profile wife doesn’t it?

disgusting.

WhatTrophy · 09/02/2023 09:41

It does seem to be an accepted fact that there was a report of DV against her. How does that information get out if there's no criminal record? Who's shared that information?

I don't know. That's the point we don't know anything so these reports shouldn't be written, but I think we'd have some sympathy with a woman who'd been a victim for years and decided she and her child were better off out of it? We know often reports of DV are withdrawn when they did happen.

Generally yes, of course this is another attack on a woman by a man, but that doesn't have to mean that's the only thing that went on. The whole thing is very sad.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2023 09:43

Fucks sake, she could have slapped him twice a week ever week and it wouldn’t justify what he did

Throckmorton · 09/02/2023 09:46

It's on the bloody BBC too now - they've hardly bothered to cover the fact he murdered her, but this is all over the UK front page.

FatSealSmugSoup · 09/02/2023 09:47

I bet she slapped him because he was a useless father and she was dealing with a newborn - his abuse probably goes back years and years. And he’d have phoned the police to threaten her to “tow the line” - probably said [to her] “you’re crazy, you’re not fit to be a mother, I’m going to phone the police and they’ll take your baby away”.

That’s how those fuckers operate.

Re-reading my first sentence makes it sound like I’m trying to justify what she allegedly did to him. I’m not, but I can’t think of a better way to explain the levels of desperation (?) she must’ve felt to lash out like that.

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 09:47

The BBC one was similar, in that it had no context or nuance. No explanation of why this might happen when a woman is being abused.

A certain type of person is going to use that to make her the abuser or to blame and it's sickening.

I wish there was more understanding of the dynamics of domestic abuse. I wish everyone could do a short course on the causes of abuse and what it looks like. It might help, a bit.

WhatTrophy · 09/02/2023 09:48

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2023 09:43

Fucks sake, she could have slapped him twice a week ever week and it wouldn’t justify what he did

I didn't say it was justified. I'm saying we have no idea. Slapping may be the end of it or there could have been much more, as there usually is with DV. Or it could all be fabricated. We don't know.

And whilst it would never be "justified" in reverse, we would have some sympathy with a mother at the end of her tether.

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 09:48

FatSealSmugSoup · 09/02/2023 09:47

I bet she slapped him because he was a useless father and she was dealing with a newborn - his abuse probably goes back years and years. And he’d have phoned the police to threaten her to “tow the line” - probably said [to her] “you’re crazy, you’re not fit to be a mother, I’m going to phone the police and they’ll take your baby away”.

That’s how those fuckers operate.

Re-reading my first sentence makes it sound like I’m trying to justify what she allegedly did to him. I’m not, but I can’t think of a better way to explain the levels of desperation (?) she must’ve felt to lash out like that.

It's more likely to protect herself rather than in anger.

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 09:50

AppleKatie · 09/02/2023 09:39

The only thing I ‘heard’ when I read that article was ‘so he’s been abusing her for a long time then’.

IF (and it’s a big IF seeing as she wasn’t charged) she did slap him then WHY did she? Since we know from her work and things colleagues have said about her that she was not habitually violent - in fact the opposite- what might have led to an incident such as this?

Given what we know about abuse statistically, isn’t it more likely that he phoned the police and lied in order to punish her? That he lost control of it a bit when they arrested her? But that upon to speaking to her outside the home environment the police discovered very quickly that she was not the problem?

Even a caution for a violent offence would have made a huge impact on her career- sounds like an excellent way to abuse and threaten your high profile wife doesn’t it?

disgusting.

That's waht I heard too. Sadly many won't see it.

Mojoyoyo · 09/02/2023 09:52

From that statement I understood that he’d been abusing her for years but in typical misogynistic style it’s been turned around to make it sound its all her fault 😡

Throckmorton · 09/02/2023 09:54

WhatTrophy · 09/02/2023 09:48

I didn't say it was justified. I'm saying we have no idea. Slapping may be the end of it or there could have been much more, as there usually is with DV. Or it could all be fabricated. We don't know.

And whilst it would never be "justified" in reverse, we would have some sympathy with a mother at the end of her tether.

Show quote history

You would have sympathy for a mother at the end of her tether with her husband murdering her child as well as her husband?!

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 09:55

It’s a pretty standard form of domestic abuse for a man to goad his partner until she snaps (especially when pregnant or with a newborn), then report her for “violence” against him. This kind of counter or revenge reporting is a well known tactic of men who are abusers - it muddies the waters and prevents him getting known as abusive. Those working with DV victims know this very well, so why are the press reporting it as if it’s some kind of gotcha?

He shot her and a child dead FFS, who was most likely to have been the abusive party, do we think?

pattihews · 09/02/2023 09:56

This needs to be investigated. Sounds as if someone in the police has sold this information to the newspaper.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/02/2023 09:56

Well none of us know do we? Nothing, nothing, nothing gave him the right or justification to do what he did. But we have no idea about their relationship before that.

Original poster
Babyboomtastic · 09/02/2023 09:56

It's far more likely that she didn't slap him at all or that she lashed out whilst trying to protect herself against him.

Think about how many men who turn out to be violent have 'crazy and violent ' exes according to the man.

Trying to paint him as an abused man, and a victim, and this being 'sad', is awful, based in the information that we have.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 09:57

Just had a conversation with my husband and he said "it's always the woman's fault" and "once you see it (abuse and how in manifests) you can't unsee it". He also agreed that many won't get it.

He does get it because he's seen coersive control in operation, drove his car to collect our daughter from her home and went with her to every family court session.

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 09:57

Mojoyoyo · 09/02/2023 09:52

From that statement I understood that he’d been abusing her for years but in typical misogynistic style it’s been turned around to make it sound its all her fault 😡

^Yes this

It never ceases to amaze me how much victim blaming there is against women. Can’t even get fucking shot dead by an abusive man with a shotgun without people claiming she provoked it somehow and it must have been partly her fault. Fucking hell I’m angry about this 🤬

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 09:58

Babyboomtastic · 09/02/2023 09:56

It's far more likely that she didn't slap him at all or that she lashed out whilst trying to protect herself against him.

Think about how many men who turn out to be violent have 'crazy and violent ' exes according to the man.

Trying to paint him as an abused man, and a victim, and this being 'sad', is awful, based in the information that we have.

Yes, that too.

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 10:00

I'm angry too. Also a bit hopeless about how we change this. Also a bit resentful about how frequently it's women who are given the job to some how make this right. It's exhausting.

OneGoodThing · 09/02/2023 10:00

I read that as 'how would a controlling man try to fuck up a successful teacher's career? By trying to pin an assault charge on her.' Either way, mud would stick, people would talk, etc.