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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Awful victim blaming article - Emma Pattison 😢

169 replies

Babyboomtastic · 09/02/2023 09:26

I was shocked to see this on the metro website:

metro.co.uk/2023/02/08/emma-pattison-was-arrested-after-row-with-husband-years-before-death-18249909/

Headline: Epsom College head ‘was arrested after row with husband years before death’

Back in 2016 it seems that the husband phoned the police to say that she'll slapped him around the face, and then phoned back a few minutes later saying not to come as it was trivial. They came anyway, she was arrested, spoken to and then released without charge.

It goes on day sat that they were having counselling for marital problems and her job was one of the issues.

It comes across as 'poor man with violent workaholic wife snaps' 😡😡😡

IF she did slap him 6-7 years ago, that doesn't excuse murdering her or their child, and saying 'she was violent too, I was only defending myself, shes crazy etc' is textbook behaviour from many abusive men...

Urgh

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 12:17

Babyboomtastic · 09/02/2023 11:57

I'm not triggered.

I'm angry.

Op firstly you have no idea what went on in their marriage. If the husband has been the victim of domestic violence that has a right to be recognised. We have a free press, censoring facts is not good. You seem to fall in to the misguided thinking that a victim has to be whiter than white. The man who killed her and their child is still the one at fault. The article is factual it’s not victim blaming at all.

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 12:52

If the husband has been the victim of domestic violence that has a right to be recognised.

Still amazed anyone can write that seeing the size of her and her child next to him. Apologists for male domestic violence love to suggest that tiny women and children seem to put men in fear of their lives. Those of us who know domestic violence know very well how it goes.

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 12:53

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/02/2023 11:55

Common tactic, accusing the woman of abuse - that's what DARVO is. Women's Aid charities are all too aware of it.

As soon as I read that I thought "He's been abusing her for years. I bet she told him she's kicking him out."

She was cautioned after the police spoke to her and they did not go further because he then refused to cooperate. So there was something there.

Nothing excuses what he did but is it really impossible to acknowledge that men can be the subjects of domestic abuse? It is very dangerous if we are asking the press and society to pretend that this does not happen to men.

At no time did I ever read any article on this as implying she deserved to be killed or caused her murder. It was a fact reported that showed all was not as it seemed and behind closed doors was a family in turmoil.

If you are taking it to mean that the papers are implying she caused her murder, then that is your problem and what you choose to project unto others.

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 12:54

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 12:52

If the husband has been the victim of domestic violence that has a right to be recognised.

Still amazed anyone can write that seeing the size of her and her child next to him. Apologists for male domestic violence love to suggest that tiny women and children seem to put men in fear of their lives. Those of us who know domestic violence know very well how it goes.

Since when does a criteria for domestic violence hinge on the size of the perpetrator or whether or not the victim is in fear of their lives?

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 12:57

If a woman is taller or bigger than a man and if she was not afraid for her life, then it’s okay for a man to hit her?

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 12:57

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 12:54

Since when does a criteria for domestic violence hinge on the size of the perpetrator or whether or not the victim is in fear of their lives?

Show quote history

Are you kidding here?

I see, it’s part of the narrative that DV is somehow separate from who’s doing it, is it?

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 12:58

This reply has been deleted

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Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 12:58

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knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 12:59

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 12:13

If they are reporting a fact, why do you have a problem with that?

Nothing justifies murdering your wife and child. No one should question that.

You think they should have said nothing about the incident? If so why?

Context. It's important.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 13:00

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 12:52

If the husband has been the victim of domestic violence that has a right to be recognised.

Still amazed anyone can write that seeing the size of her and her child next to him. Apologists for male domestic violence love to suggest that tiny women and children seem to put men in fear of their lives. Those of us who know domestic violence know very well how it goes.

Excuse me, you know nothing about my experience of domestic violence. And an apologist I am not, how dare you. You are also incredibly naive if you think because the wife is smaller that there was no domestic violence by her. It doesn’t diminish the fact that there is a tsunami of violence against women to acknowledge that men can be victims too. Grow up.

Qazwsxefv · 09/02/2023 13:02

The history of DV in the home is relevant but not in the way the papers are making it out to be. If there was a recorded assault by one of the household surely this should have triggered concerns about the issuing of a firearm licence to this man? Homes with recorded violence shouldn’t be considered safe storage for guns. (I’m not anti gun for sport totally but can’t see why if you own one for sport it can’t be stored at the range)

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 13:02

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 12:59

Context. It's important.

Show quote history

It’s such a mistake to require all women to be angels to be allowed to be victims of male violence. Some very limited thinking on show here and more worryingly clearly they have a very clear view of what a victim looks like.

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 13:04

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 13:00

Excuse me, you know nothing about my experience of domestic violence. And an apologist I am not, how dare you. You are also incredibly naive if you think because the wife is smaller that there was no domestic violence by her. It doesn’t diminish the fact that there is a tsunami of violence against women to acknowledge that men can be victims too. Grow up.

Show quote history

I see the “men are victims too!” crowd are fully out in force on this thread about a woman and her small child shot dead by a man. What horribly poor taste it is to try to commandeer a thread about a murdered woman and child to push a narrative about “women can be abusers too!!” I don’t think it’s me who should grow up.

Theunamedcat · 09/02/2023 13:06

My ex ripped our son out of my arms ripping my fingernails off in the process one of my torn nails caught his arm leaving the tiniest of scratches he threatened to call the police claiming I assaulted him he even dialed then told them it was a pocket dial while threatening me to keep quiet it was almost a year later before i could get away even that turned into a shite show with everyone defending him not the kids or me just him

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow. Are there no depths to which some people won't go. I'm disgusted by some of the posts on here.

As it happens my youngest brother was a victim of domestic abuse by a women, but that makes no difference to how I feel about THIS crime. Woman on man DA is in the minority and male violence is THE issue here.

Tell me why he killed his 7 year old child? How does that fit into your fantasy?

Actually don't bother to reply. I couldn't be less interested in your views and it's probably a wind up anyway.

FatSealSmugSoup · 09/02/2023 13:07

I did some prison visits to female murderers. Their stories were consistent - after decades of abuse they’d fought back and killed their partners. Not ONE killed the children too. Not one. That’s a male crime.

NotQuiteAChateau · 09/02/2023 13:08

I read that article and immediately thought, he’s been controlling her for years. Just when news of the story broke, I turned to my daughter and said murder-suicide by adult male.

I’m so sorry this has happened to Emma and her daughter and so many other women.

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 13:09

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 13:02

It’s such a mistake to require all women to be angels to be allowed to be victims of male violence. Some very limited thinking on show here and more worryingly clearly they have a very clear view of what a victim looks like.

Show quote history

Oh yes, let's turn it around and suggest that I and others on here want a perfect victim. That's not what I am saying at all. I am always on the side of women victims here and have seen the system close up. Always women having to change their behaviour, move house, not have any issues of their own. Makes me sick.

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 13:10

Yes men can absolutely be victims of domestic violence. Yes men can be victims too.

Women do not have to be angels to not be victims. No one said they need to be. Some of you are making up stuff that no one has said or implied here. It only shows your warped minds.

In this case, a fact reported was she hit him, he reported it, she was cautioned, police could not go further even though they wanted to because he would no cooperate.

They both could have been victims of each other’s violence. He reported her but she never reported him. Fact of the matter is we do not know. Regardless, she and their daughter definitely did nothing to deserve being murdered.

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 13:12

Correction: Meant to say that women don’t have to be angels before they can be seen as victims.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/02/2023 13:13

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 13:10

Yes men can absolutely be victims of domestic violence. Yes men can be victims too.

Women do not have to be angels to not be victims. No one said they need to be. Some of you are making up stuff that no one has said or implied here. It only shows your warped minds.

In this case, a fact reported was she hit him, he reported it, she was cautioned, police could not go further even though they wanted to because he would no cooperate.

They both could have been victims of each other’s violence. He reported her but she never reported him. Fact of the matter is we do not know. Regardless, she and their daughter definitely did nothing to deserve being murdered.

This in a nut shell.

Some posters on here are enjoying the ‘guessing’ far too much and projecting their own sad circumstances onto a completely unrelated scenario.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/02/2023 13:22

@Motherparent19 , are you ignoring that men who abuse women frequently claim to be the victim? Have you heard of DARVO?

This is OBVIOUSLY a violent abusive man. How much more abusive can you get than murdering your wife and young child?

His claim to have been slapped 2016 doesn’t make any less likely to be abusive. It makes him more likely to be an abuser, as anyone who researches VAWAG knows.

TeamadIshbel · 09/02/2023 13:22

AppleKatie · 09/02/2023 09:39

The only thing I ‘heard’ when I read that article was ‘so he’s been abusing her for a long time then’.

IF (and it’s a big IF seeing as she wasn’t charged) she did slap him then WHY did she? Since we know from her work and things colleagues have said about her that she was not habitually violent - in fact the opposite- what might have led to an incident such as this?

Given what we know about abuse statistically, isn’t it more likely that he phoned the police and lied in order to punish her? That he lost control of it a bit when they arrested her? But that upon to speaking to her outside the home environment the police discovered very quickly that she was not the problem?

Even a caution for a violent offence would have made a huge impact on her career- sounds like an excellent way to abuse and threaten your high profile wife doesn’t it?

disgusting.

I thought exactly the same. Can't imagine what this woman had endured all these years. This sounds like a violent, abusive, coercive control freak who was so wrapped up in himself he took 2 lives away who could have been free of him.

It reminded of similar stories and I know every woman who heard this news breaking was just waiting on confirmation it was the husbands' doing. This is why women and children must be protected with safe places to go where no men are. This is the saddest thing I've heard in a long time, and the other cases currently in the news are so very troubling too. What does it take for society to realise men murdering women and children is not that unusual.

samqueens · 09/02/2023 13:24

AppleKatie · 09/02/2023 09:39

The only thing I ‘heard’ when I read that article was ‘so he’s been abusing her for a long time then’.

IF (and it’s a big IF seeing as she wasn’t charged) she did slap him then WHY did she? Since we know from her work and things colleagues have said about her that she was not habitually violent - in fact the opposite- what might have led to an incident such as this?

Given what we know about abuse statistically, isn’t it more likely that he phoned the police and lied in order to punish her? That he lost control of it a bit when they arrested her? But that upon to speaking to her outside the home environment the police discovered very quickly that she was not the problem?

Even a caution for a violent offence would have made a huge impact on her career- sounds like an excellent way to abuse and threaten your high profile wife doesn’t it?

disgusting.

This. Absolutely this.

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 13:24

Motherparent19 · 09/02/2023 13:10

Yes men can absolutely be victims of domestic violence. Yes men can be victims too.

Women do not have to be angels to not be victims. No one said they need to be. Some of you are making up stuff that no one has said or implied here. It only shows your warped minds.

In this case, a fact reported was she hit him, he reported it, she was cautioned, police could not go further even though they wanted to because he would no cooperate.

They both could have been victims of each other’s violence. He reported her but she never reported him. Fact of the matter is we do not know. Regardless, she and their daughter definitely did nothing to deserve being murdered.

She wasn’t cautioned, for a start, so you’re the one making up things about this — not anyone else.