What advice would you give a younger woman?

[mumyes]

Just that really.
What do you wish you'd done or known as a woman on your 30s / 40s?

Fucks sake. Why do names belong to fathers and not equally to their daughters? Stupid comment.

@eggyeggy
I think respect yourself is a better phrase than love yourself.
Avoid anyone, family, friends or potential romantic partners that want to drag you down to be less than what you could be.

In a relationship, respect is as important as love. If he respects you, he will never knowingly hurt you or hold you back.
Choose a husband with your head.
Be clear about what will be the deal breaker.
Have your own interests and don't depend on him to entertain you. Confident men value an independent woman.
Take pride in your looks, your brain, and your health.

Is love different from respect? I think people get all wrapped up in romance and sex and all the glittery stuff, but if I had to define real love I'd say it was deep and complete respect for someone, (which then leads to all the other stuff like enjoying their company, trusting them, etc).

Know yourself and have rock solid boundaries.
Keep your own counsel - listen to others but ultimately make your own mind up.
Lots of men can be selfish, sex-obsessed dicks -value and enjoy the company of those that aren’t (irrespective of looks).
Lots of women can be insecure and bitchy - value and enjoy the company of those that aren’t (irrespective of social cache).
Everyone lets you down at some point - forgive them if they’re worth it.
Try and build a career.
Compliment and build up other women.
Don’t be so certain about your opinions - they may change.
Enjoy the little things.

Have fun. Flirt. Stay up late while you have the energy. Go on holiday with your friends at short notice.

Twins are always a possibility.

You are being paid less than your male colleague with the same job and/or have been promoted to a less senior role than a male colleague who is less able and experienced than you are. No one will do anything about this unless you do.

Stop wearing heels, they are uncomfortable and fuck up your feet and back. Also, they do not make you look thinner, just beheeled.

The menopause is not something that just happens one day, it's a whole era of life, and you can spend a lot of your 40s being in it and not realising, or, conversely, ascribing every imaginable symptom to it while being years out.

Taking care of your mental health is so important.

Value female friends, but make sure they are on the side of the women - not women who center men in their lives, you’ll always lose with these women.

De-center men.

The happiest and healthiest women I know are single and childfree.
Kids and men are not the source of happiness we’ve been told.

Get to know yourself, the real you, deep down you, who is she, what does she want, what does she like, etc.

Carefull about men, vast majority of them hate women.

Healthy life: no smoking, drugs, little to no drinking, water, healthy diet, celibacy, sleep, yoga, meditation.
This will help you keep balance and health. It’s easier the younger you get these into to your routine.

Love yourself, value yourself.

Everyone is running their own race, so you better do that to yourself as well.

No one can fix you, heal you, save you.
You are alone here, it can be sad reality first, but also so liberating, because you realise you don’t owe anyone shit and can live your life for yourself.

Find yourself, I’ve seen so many women sacrife themselves to other’s, let’s end this toxic cycle.

Don't ever feel like you're not good enough based on others opinions.
Don't try and change yourself for someone else.
Learn to say no without explanation.
Stand up for yourself without fear of hurting someone else's feelings.

network network network! It’s harder being a woman networking as the blokes think you have a crush on them but keep going.

look at your partner’s parents. That is who they will become. Do you like them? If not the move on!

give everyone ONE chance. Then bin them if they do it again.

If you want children - Be married before you have children.

agree with your partner that you are both going back to work for 4 days a week or 70% capacity. This will mean a massively fairer set up and easier family life. Half the pick ups and half the drops offs and all the cooking or all the cleaning.

no one changes coz or marriage or kids. You got what you got.

don’t be with someone who travels for work for whatever. Who could be arsed with that ?!?

I'm in my 40's so this is to younger me:

Trust your gut. Always. Trust yourself. Worst case scenario, you're wrong. The world won't end. That's far better than compromising yourself to make someone else feel good..and then them being wrong!

If you think someone is being unfair to you, they likely are.
If you think someone is manipulating you, they likely are.
If you think someone is abusing you, they likely are.
If you think "it's a bit like rape", it was rape.
It's ok to state the truth. You never need to use "it's a bit like" to preface much of anything.

If a BF wakes you up having sex with you, it's not "annoying" because it disturbs your sleep. It's rape and however lovely and sweet and kind he is, LEAVE.

If the man you love loves you, he won't ignore you when you speak, he won't watch you cry in pain and give no shits, he won't actively make you suffer when you're pregnant. He won't make you account for every penny. He won't make you behave in certain ways, use a certain tone of voice, have the house in a certain state before he can even consider being intimate with you. He won't want you feeling like shit. He also won't hinder your study, belittle your career choices, or income potential. If he loves you he will want you to succeed because he will actually want you to be happy. He will help you when you're ill and you can't easily walk. He will be nice to you when others aren't around. He won't just say "I love you too" in response to you saying it. And he'll say it himself to you too.

You're actually far more intelligent than the men you meet who are like this, and they're threatened. That's why they belittled you. And that's their problem. Don't listen. Pay no heed. Leave them be and find men who enjoy the fact you enjoy thinking and discussing ideas, even about things they know less about than you!

Don't ever make yourself small or pretend to be a bit stupid to make a man feel good.

And never, ever, ever fake an orgasm. Ever. You can have many multiple orgasms in a row. If you're not orgasming with someone it's because either a) they don't know what they're doing or b) your pleasure is not important to them. One of those can be forgiven if some effort is put in. The other one is a sign to get up, get your clothes on and fucking leave the fucker there and then and don't look back. Ever.

Oh yes and last but not least: no, not all women find other women sexually attractive! Really, some women don't find women sexually attractive at all! Shocking, I know. You're bi and have been since your early teens. 😊

1 Don’t settle.
2 Invest in property.
3 Exercise and eat well.
4 Make time for your friends.
5 Fix your own oxygen mask first.

Don’t let him move in

1. It's OK that you aren't everybody's cup of tea. You aren't meant to be, and you'll destroy yourself trying

1. Pay into a pension

1. Don't step aside when a man walks towards you on the pavement

Study hard.

Research salaries/ working hours/ progression/ working culture in different professions before you make career choices.

Stay off social media. Do not waste headspace on what other people think: there are very few people's opinions that matter.

Make sure you travel and enjoy being lazy before having children.

Never share finances or get married or give up work.

Start a pension asap and put 15% of your salary into it as a minimum from your early 20s onwards.

Give your female friendships the focus they deserve: they are worth their weight in gold.

because most haven’t recognised it in themselves and aren’t diagnosed

Oh, you're qualified to diagnose ADHD and ASD are you?

Oh, you're qualified to diagnose ADHD and ASD are you?

Thank you for pointing this out. These disgusting comments stereotyping whole groups of people on the basis of how people who don't even have a diagnosis behave has been pointed out to Mumsnet repeatedly on various "Site Stuff" threads recently and yet it still continues. They don't seem to understand that being a shit person has nothing to do with being neurodiverse.

Horrific.

I guess we should asvise young women to steer well clear of racists, sexists and ableists also. Although that should be pretty obvious to most decent people so not advice I'd feel necessary to give to my own children.

As a late 30’s person I’ve read these… I do think a lot of the comments are probably better aimed at someone in their 20s/30s (not all of them).

The best lifelong advice I have ever had wasn't advice - at secondary school when I was maybe 15 a teacher asked our class what we wanted to be when we ‘grow up’. People shouted out different jobs, roles in life, labels. Then he asked one of the quieter girls and she said ‘Happy’. And he stopped there. That interaction has always stuck with me…. It’s such a ‘simple’ goal and with all the pressure to succeed at everything it’s something I find helpful to hold onto.

Other advice came from someone older than me at work, but has a similar meaning /compliments my earlier ‘life advice’…. Good enough is actually good enough, and it is completely ok to be ‘good enough’

And last one.. from a sign in a cafe….. life is about the journey not the destination! Which is why I approach life much more like a turtle than a hare, take my time and enjoy what is happening.

gosh @AliensAteMyHomework and @User2145738790 - please read my post properly before using phrases like 'horrific'.

I am speaking from personal experience, mine, and quite a good selection of close friends and relatives. My own personal experience of getting (or not getting) diagnosis, help, dealing with that diagnosis, bringing up a young person with ADHD, being married to someone who realises that what he thought was normal in his own child was not, and that he himself has ADHD. Getting that diagnosis for ADHD (a saga), him dealing with that diagnosis, and so it goes on. I am the person that has driven the diagnoses, read the books, dealt with the psychiatrists good and diabolical, pressed for the school help, been through the traumas and counselling, I have had to subsume myself to not working because I've had to help my DC, take him to appointments (many), go into school and deal with incidents, write reports and applications and school tribunal reports. I have had to deal with my own feelings about the people I love the most, but that need extra understanding and help. I have had to have counselling to deal with that fallout.

There is absolutely no question that I love them dearly, But there is also absolutely no question that is is difficult.

There is absolutely no question that there are lots of adults out there who would have been diagnosed with ADHD or ASD if they were children now. And helped. And had more ability to deal with that diagnosis, and indeed use the strengths as well as difficulties that come with that. Some of the most charismatic and creative people out there have diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD. I know as I am married to one.

If you read my post you won't see me claiming to diagnose ADHD. I am not a psychiatrist. I do however have a lot of experience to recognise the characteristics it comes with!

I would again say to a young woman that it is not the easy option to be part of that. fair advice I think.

Perhaps today's young adults will be better prepared for life with these differences, but I despair of CAMHS and MHS in general in the UK sadly.

@eggyeggy About 15 years ago, I spent a good few years re-learning how to love myself

Just to note, on occasion I see here on "i was never taught to book my own dentist" or "i was never shown how to put on make up" (caveat, that you actually desire to put on makeup)

It starts with what we were shown, taught, observed, learned growing up. Some gap exists whereby you partially are not caring for yourself. It could be a very very big gap or it could be very very small. However western society partially contributes to an ideology that women put others first. Self love involves, at times, putting yourself first. - no guilt!

Loving yourself means finding out who you are, what you like, and going a little bit after it every day after that. Loving yourself means finding out what you are bad at, and accepting that a little bit every day after that. Loving yourself means finding. Loving yourself means looking in the mirror - anything you'd like to change? Why? What is telling you that that is wrong? Is that healthy/unhealthy? work on resolving unhealthy negative thinking about yourself. That is loving yourself. Clothes don't fit? Wear clothes that do. Hate work? What can you realistically do to change that. Want to read/run/sleep more. Do that. But with balance with everything else. you are not last. But you are also not first. It is situational. In this situation, in this moment, I have carved out time and space to put myself first. I have given my brain time to think about just me. A bubble bath. Time to watch your own show. A little extra pamper gift for yourself once in a while. Things you are doing for yourself because you care about your mental, emotional, physical well being. Because the dentist appt is a physical (including health) well being. Because, if it interests you, make up can contribute to how good you feel about yourself in the world.

Loving yourself takes a lot of work. It's ongoing. Every good relationship in your life takes work to maintain. What is your relationship to yourself? Are you telling yourself the truth? do you push yourself? Maybe you need outside help for that.

A goal is a dream plus a plan. What is your dream today for yourself on your self love journey. Once you have a plan, you have a goal.

And once you love yourself, it becomes routine, and not so much work at all. It because part of your natural thinking.

PS - I would say that respecting yourself is a bit different. everyone has very specific frameworks about how they define respect. that is, that one person could be offended whilst someone else might not be. It is important to know where your personal boundary lines are however I would say that self-respect is a bit different from self-love.

All the best on your journey

@eggyeggy

Emotionally, I had low self esteem so I read sorensen’s breaking the chain of low self esteem. It helped. Also, self love is learning to shrug off mistakes but in the context of understanding how that mistake happened. “Oh yes, I was going to fast” or “Oh yes, I didn’t double check. Going forward, I will” or “Ok, a list here will remind me next time” and then pretty much having no guilt. Less self hate.

Also feeling fulfilled. Pretty self-defined. It takes a while to start recognising when you actually feel satisfied / content / happy / fulfilled. You have to get quiet inside, observe outside and then ask how do I feel about this? Appreciating blessed moments you are given. Really stopping and appreciating them. Looking, in that moment, at the moment it is happening, and deep breath - this is a great moment. This moment right here. And I am grateful for it.

Mentally. Identifying unhealthy cycle thinking. Getting tools to stop catastrophising or snowballing. The easiest way I found is to just take any single strain and walk that catastrophising all the way through. Like if the worst happened, what would my life be like year after that? Would I be alive? Okay, how would I be surviving? So, ok, I would have survived. Interesting. Okay, I what I can realistically do, in my power, to positively contribute to avoiding that worst case scenario. And that is all I can do really. And really accept that.

In the moment, looking and saying “positive observation”. Getting out of any unhealthy either overly pessimistic or overly optimistic thinking.

Therapy can sometimes help with the mental. Depends if you find a compatible therapist.

Don't get into debt. Even a small amount can snowball and take years to pay off.

I married a man who clearly has undiagnosed autism. My elder two children have autism. My youngest is going through evaluations now for dyslexia. I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a child and got the help needed. My ex husband left school at 17 and worked his way up. He speaks multiple languages fluently, runs his own business making millions. He however can’t cope doing ‘two things at once’. It’s exhausting.

For the past 10 years I have been focused on getting my autistic children the help they need so they can grow up and function in society. It’s exhausting. It all falls on my shoulders. He is also cheap. That wears thin. I cannot agree more with @Missproportionate Never marry and have children with a man who has undiagnosed ADHD or ASD.

I also agree with never faking an orgasm. Really stupid and not worth it. If he isn’t willing to figure it out move on. He isn’t that into you. It’s also ok to have a high sex drive or not. Find someone you are compatible with.

I would back this up. Two kids with ADHD. Fucking hard work.
I have it myself. I am also fucking hard work sometimes, but I try really hard not to be. ExH may or may not have it. For some reason he'd rather have depression and anxiety than go through the diagnosis process for adhd and potentially find a cause for the mental health issues so we will never know.

I would perhaps suggest that one doesn't pick a 'fixer uppper' as a partner, no matter how much you see glimpses of something better now and then. The renovation work will always drain your resources way before you see the pay off, if you ever do. That ought to encompass those with undiagnosed conditions.

Save, save, save. Don’t ever put yourself in a vulnerable position where you’re reliant financially or emotionally on anyone. All relationships should be enhancements to your life so to be ‘stuck’ because you’re not financially able to leave would be awful.