What advice would you give a younger woman?

[mumyes]

Just that really.
What do you wish you'd done or known as a woman on your 30s / 40s?

50-50 is not just from a financial standpoint. It also relates to housework, the mental load and emotional labour. Look carefully at any romantic relationship you are in from this perspective.

Relationships should not be struggle street This is a myth sold to women to stay in relationships with losers.

Be financially savvy. Be safe. Look after your health - both physical and mental

Family-oriented men don't do this.

Also, and I know it's said on here a lot, but it's true - when people show you who they are, believe them.
Talk, chocolates and flowers are cheap. Look at how they act.

Ignore people who tell you gender ideology is kind. It isn't. It's part and parcel of instagram culture and institutionalised misogyny. Telling kids their body is wrong is not kind, it's cruelty. Telling girls and women to forget their boundaries benefits men and no one else.

Looks are not important really. They fade. A healthy body and being comfortable in your skin is much more attractive than an identikit social media image.

Men are not the enemy but anything which erodes your boundaries is. Unfortunately this is often men. Identify your lines in the sand often and critically. Listen to your instincts. Women have good ones for a reason.

Find your tribe. Friends, family or colleagues. Having real allies will make life so much easier come what may.

Don't marry someone whose family are awful. Just don't. It's not worth the heartache.

Have your children when YOU want. Being financially independent is important but it's perfectly possible to scrape by and build your life after. It's okay to prioritise your family and it's okay not to have one.

Don't be unkind is a better mantra than be kind. Be kind is usually directed at keeping women compliant. Instead choose not to be nasty while keeping your self safe.

Think really really carefully about who fathers your children.

Think really really carefully before getting in a relationship with a neurodiverse man.

Educate yourself about what a neurodiverse man is - because most haven’t recognised it in themselves and aren’t diagnosed. Many really attractive and charismatic men have ADHD. Their children are also likely to be charismatic and sparky, it it is hard work living with people with SEN. Are you prepared for the rollercoaster?

Read the relationship boards on here and see how many women fall into abusive relationships and don’t value their own well-being.

Nobody is going to give you brownie points at the end of your life for subsuming your wants and needs to someone else. Women are conditioned to believe their good deeds will be recognised by parters, children and elderly parents. IME kids are the only ones who will thank you for your time.

sorry that all sounds cynical :-(

Oh and the mumsnet mantra is worth remembering: “‘No’ is a complete sentence”

Get knocked up as soon as you can if you want kids! Don’t leave it until age 37 then find out it’s too late!

Right?!

Based on another thread, I'll add

A man who uses any type of coercion for sex is not worth having. If he wants you to do it when you don't want to, he's scum. If he sulks, shouts, cheats, stonewalls, begs, name calls, blackmails or pushes, bin him.

Agreed! The advice is very patronising.

• men = bad
• but do marry a man because you will need all his finances
• but at the same time make sure you're financially independent

Completely contradictory "feminist" advice. Would be refreshing to get advice that didn't revolve around relationships. Or is that all a woman amounts to?

My advice is slight lifted from Baz Luhrmans song - don't be too worried if you don't know what you want to do at 20. Just try some stuff. Careers can be fluid. You don't have to stay somewhere if it's not right for you. Try contracting, especially before you have dependents. Travel lots. Look after your health and (because it is a big part of life, however feminist you are) don't pick a partner who needs fixing. Dont pick one who you think is out of your league and therefore you need to tolerate less than optimal behaviour.

Be bold and brave and make the most of opportunities and resources.

Wear whatever you want, whenever you want.

Don’t wait till you’re a ‘perfect size 10’ to wear the mini dress you want. Don’t put back the leather trousers because you’re 40 now….

Wear what makes YOU happy and confident.

To be clear, I don't think men = bad. I know I've been lucky in my life but my dad, my brother, my husband and my son are all thoroughly decent, genuinely kind men and not abusive. However, there are plenty of people around (both sexes) who are not like that, and I personally would far rather be single than tied to someone who was hard work and made my life worse, not better. Possibly easy for me to say, and I know loneliness is a huge problem in later life for those who are single and childless if they don't have good friends and neighbours to get some company occasionally.

Imagine a site called mumsnet focusing on kids and family (which includes men)

I forgot so say also that it's far too late to get most of this advice by the time you're in your 30s.

Trying to think of something that is specific to that age group - I wish I'd started taking regular exercise earlier, and also made more effort to keep my weight down, not for the sake of my appearance, but for my long-term health. I loathed PE at school and wasn't given any encouragement, as I was useless at all the team games and other sports we were forced to do. We weren't taught about the benefits of exercise for health, mental as well as physical. I wish we had been.

To understand not all men are what they pretend to be and learn what red flags are.

How do you love yourself? What does that look like?

Not exercise, diet etc but emotionally and mentally? I want to learn how 🙁

Mine would be to stop thinking men aren’t your enemy and those that aren’t exist abundantly too but you have to do a LOT of sifting.

I have a good one, my father is a good one.

Sit down and think or, or better write down,

three things you are proud of that you've achieved
three times you got through extreme adversity
name six people who love you with all their heart
name three things you are good at
name two things you are better at than anyone else

If you can't do these things, create them now. I think this would be a good start.

Exercise every day. It's as important as eating and sleeping.

Don't wait until your mid 30s to ttc.

Don't think you need a man/ dp to have a baby/family.

Buy a flat as soon as you possibly can. No wasting money on cars, gadgets, holidays until you own your first place.

Never move into a man's house.

Do not have children and stay at home unless you are married.

Have a good job.

Do not move to the countryside at the behest of a man.

Retain your female friends

If you can't have a frank and open discussion about money, how it is earned and spent then please don't marry, live with or have children with this person.
You are worth it.

I think my advice to my younger self would be: Don't stress about being a failure because you have no personal boundaries and keep getting involved with arseholes (and not just romantically). Your life is not cursed. Learning all this shit takes time and practice. You will get there in the end and it will be worth it.

Be a lesbian

1. It's not your responsibility to constantly sacrifice what yourself for the greater good (either at work, with friends/family or with a partner). Don't be conned in to thinking that this will be noticed and you'll be rewarded with respect/promotion/love/help when you need it. The changes are that most people will not notice until you stop doing it, when they will see it as you being 'difficult'.
2. Take time to consider what you REALLY want out of life- not what you think you should achieve to be seen as successful, what other people want/expect for you, what you think you should aspire to etc. Don't consider settling down with a partner and having children until you have a good idea of what this is.
3. Be aware as a woman it is likely that you will be treated differently from male peers when you have children- even if you think you're treated equally before you have children. If you're not prepared for this, it's easy to think that you have somehow become incompetent/unkind/'difficult'. This applies at work and in general. It shouldn't, and maybe it will be different for you, but if you're not prepared it will come as a huge shock.