Worried about adult daughter and relationship with a trans woman

[PamelaPumpkin]

I'm putting this here because I don't fancy the bear pit that is AIBU and I consider it a feminist / gender issue but I just can't unpick in my mind what's bothering me the most. I'll start by saying I am not trans phobic but I am gender critical. I do not believe you can change your sex

Ok so my daughter is an adult, she's 24. She has her own home and a very good career. She's clever and sensible and mature - so I'm a bit shocked at what's happened this week

She's always dated men really, bar one woman a few years ago.

Anyway, 5 days ago she went on a date with a woman which she told me about. She showed me her Instagram photo and told me her name. She told me they'd been chatting for a few days and had met on Hinge and she was really looking forward to it. Have fun I said

It's now Sunday and this woman hasn't gone home yet. Well, once, to pick up clothes etc. my daughter is being unusually reticent about it all so I googled and found out this is a trans woman.

DD clearly knows this and I've not told her yet that I know.

So this is my problem ... actually, I can't work out what my issue is? I don't want to be transphobic but I'm struggling to get my head round this. And I'm deeply deeply worried about why this person has practically moved in. Why hasn't she gone home yet? Who the bloody hell is she?

So I don't know what to do.

She's an adult and happy. So ignore it?

Tell her I'm concerned? Say I feel it's a red flag to have a date and then that person not leave?

She knows my views on gender etc so she will be in no hurry to tell me that's for sure

Our relationship is excellent and we are close. I'm quite able to tell her what I think but I don't want to upset her particularly but I do want to try and understand what's going on here

Thoughts? I'm not trying to control her of course and I know she's a grown up. I just can't help feeling concerned and need to work out why exactly I'm so uncomfortable

I'd be worried about that happening full stop, regardless of their gender. It sounds way too intense.

I'd message her and say that you're really concerned.

Well firstly, your dd is an adult so you need to trust her to make her own choices and let her know you're there if you need her. It really isn't your decision to do anything.
Secondly, though it seems like the fact that this person is a trans woman is irrelevant. You're concerned that it's moving too fast...fine tell her if you feel she'll listen but your views on transwomen are irrelevant here. She's 24 and can date whomever she chooses without taking your bias into account 🤷🏽‍♀️

I think the gender thing is irrelevant. Any relationship starting so intensely is worrying. You can't do anything but just be there quietly. Message and engage as normal and hope that it's not a much of a red flag as it seems.

@Badger1970 She only lives down the road so I 'could' pop round - I often do .. always in there with food or seeing the cats or just in and out and she's here a lot too.

I just need to unpick in my mind what my issue is .. and yes, regardless of whether this is a man or woman, WHY are they there every day and night?

My daughter works shifts as a doctor and this woman is a flight attendant. Neither are at work for a further week so I'm assuming that she will be there for another week solid

Can I just reiterate I know she's an adult? I'm not trying to control her or have her do what I think is best

But as we all know when we are parents ... you don't just decide to go 'ah whatever' when your child does something that concerns you.

I'd love to be able to mentally shrug off my concerns but I can't

@InconvenientPeg yes I think this will be what I do. A version of it. I will tell her my concerns and make it very clear that, as usual, the door is open for advice or help at any time

What does being trans have to do with it

I'd leave it for the week and see if it fizzled out when they both go back to work and normal stressful lives?

@Queeenyy if you'd read my post properly, you'd see what my mental struggles are with it and how I'm trying to unpick my feelings.

I'm allowed to feel what I feel, same as anyone else. And if what I privately feel isn't maybe as 'right on' as it could be, I'm not going to apologise for that

@PurplePixies yes good point.

It just is SO intense which makes me think ' what are you doing?!!'

I agree with this. The trans thing is not important. The intensity of it is the red flag.

I would be worried too. How can we stop our adult dc from getting into abusive relationships?

Why don't you just pop round and see them both? I think it'll give you a much better idea if you have anything to be concerned about or not.

I think trans does have a part to play here. We have all been fed the "be kind" rhetoric so tend to tiptoe round issues for fear of being branded transphobic.

Rewrite the op to " my DD went on a date with a man 5 days ago and he still hasn't left, I'm worried she is being taken advantage of"

She may be very happy and loved up, but she may also feel awkward and not able to say "please go home now ". Mums are allowed to be worried.

Ah now, if this was a man (and is it? It is?) then I'd be even more concerned

A bloke turning up on Tuesday night for a meal and drinks and is still there on Sunday afternoon? I'd be going out of my mind

So I don't know if I am or not? The trans thing is something I just don't know how to proceed on and yes, I can say I know and ask what on earth? She may bite my head off but meh, that would be ok

@Choconut yep this is something I'm considering this afternoon. I'd at least get a 'feel' for what's going on

I wouldn't just turn up but I would just give her a cheery message or call to say I'm popping over to see the cats (she has kittens so she's always wanting me to go and see them as they're like her children!!)

I wouldn't even broach the TW aspect as DD hasn't told you. You found out via internet.

But the one date and then not going home is a fucking giant red flag, and I'd definitely be concerned. Maybe invite your DD out for lunch just the two of you, invite her somewhere where this person isn't invited. Hopefully she comes.

I do think the tw thing is relevant, as it then makes it feel more tricky to say "this person is a bad person" because tras use that as a stick to beat women with. Be kind and all that bollocks.

Yeah this “woman” is a potential cocklodger

@Atmywitsend29 yeah good view point.

And I'm sure this person isn't a bad person. They're probably lovely and kind and nice. I'm not in much doubt of that but ... what if they're not? I don't know at this point

@Fraaahnces maybe? I know she's lives with parents in a village ten miles away. I know my daughter is very excited by her, has told me how they've been lying around eating food and watching reality tv (which she loves) and enthusing about how much they've got in common from career goals to cats, Taylor swift to books. So much in common!

She even said 'it's magical!' And I have NEVER heard her say this!

All the best op

There's the red flag of intensity.
The red flag of 'special category, be kind' which may indicate some element of emotional blackmail. I'd include in this any neurodiversity that requires adjustment from one partner. It's fine, but can need attention.
Then there is the trans element itself, which may or may not indicate an area of concern.

As parents we are protective. We see things that don't bother us most of the time, as a possible risk to our dc.
This is just one of many, many things would cause me to keep a wary eye.

enthusing about how much they've got in common from career goals to cats, Taylor swift to books. So much in common!

Another red flag - mirroring.

I'd be worried at 24 that my mum was poking her nose in googling people I'd met. Back off, it's up to her if and when she tells you anything.