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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Worried about adult daughter and relationship with a trans woman

121 replies

PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 12:49

I'm putting this here because I don't fancy the bear pit that is AIBU and I consider it a feminist / gender issue but I just can't unpick in my mind what's bothering me the most. I'll start by saying I am not trans phobic but I am gender critical. I do not believe you can change your sex

Ok so my daughter is an adult, she's 24. She has her own home and a very good career. She's clever and sensible and mature - so I'm a bit shocked at what's happened this week

She's always dated men really, bar one woman a few years ago.

Anyway, 5 days ago she went on a date with a woman which she told me about. She showed me her Instagram photo and told me her name. She told me they'd been chatting for a few days and had met on Hinge and she was really looking forward to it. Have fun I said

It's now Sunday and this woman hasn't gone home yet. Well, once, to pick up clothes etc. my daughter is being unusually reticent about it all so I googled and found out this is a trans woman.

DD clearly knows this and I've not told her yet that I know.

So this is my problem ... actually, I can't work out what my issue is? I don't want to be transphobic but I'm struggling to get my head round this. And I'm deeply deeply worried about why this person has practically moved in. Why hasn't she gone home yet? Who the bloody hell is she?

So I don't know what to do.

She's an adult and happy. So ignore it?

Tell her I'm concerned? Say I feel it's a red flag to have a date and then that person not leave?

She knows my views on gender etc so she will be in no hurry to tell me that's for sure

Our relationship is excellent and we are close. I'm quite able to tell her what I think but I don't want to upset her particularly but I do want to try and understand what's going on here

Thoughts? I'm not trying to control her of course and I know she's a grown up. I just can't help feeling concerned and need to work out why exactly I'm so uncomfortable

OP posts:
Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:09

My mother interfered into my relationship when I was 21 and I'm still not impressed and its definitely changed how I will deal with own daughter when she becomes an adult. Regardless of the 'big secret' just had to tell her. I find it bizarre u would interfere as much as u did. And seem to think it's completely acceptable and the whole problem being trans 😬

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:15

Also I spent everyday for about 2 weeks the first time I met my now husband and we have been together nearly 20 years. We also had loads in common it wasn't some weird trick to get to me it was we actually just had lots in common some of replies are bizarre

Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:19

@TedMullins she is not pansexual or whatever it's called. She's been very clear in the chats we've been having over FaceTime this evening that she would not choose to date a trans woman or trans man

I don't shove my opinions down her throat. I say what I think and she's free to do what she wants.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 30/10/2022 19:21

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:09

My mother interfered into my relationship when I was 21 and I'm still not impressed and its definitely changed how I will deal with own daughter when she becomes an adult. Regardless of the 'big secret' just had to tell her. I find it bizarre u would interfere as much as u did. And seem to think it's completely acceptable and the whole problem being trans 😬

If your child, as a young adult, ends up in an abusive relationship but can’t see it, would you keep quiet for fear of being seen as interfering?

Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:21

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 good for you!

I make no apologies for what I've done. Contrary to what I may be portraying here, I'm not interfering. She has her own house, she's a doctor, our relationship is very good

I certainly don't devote my time to what's and who she's doing. Make me suspicious and concerned though? That's my kid and yeah, I'll do what I can to ensure she doesn't get hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:22

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 and if you'd stand by whilst you felt your child was being led up the garden path at the very least then more fool you.

OP posts:
Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:25

@Badger1970 I'm actually astonished! She's usually got really firm boundaries and she acknowledges something has gone awry here.

I 'think' it stems from a tough year. Her dad is very very unwell (we are not together) and she's had two relationships recently that she ended which disappointed her. So when she met this beautiful 'woman' who made her feel special so quickly ... it made her take leave of her fucking senses or something

OP posts:
Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:28

PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:21

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 good for you!

I make no apologies for what I've done. Contrary to what I may be portraying here, I'm not interfering. She has her own house, she's a doctor, our relationship is very good

I certainly don't devote my time to what's and who she's doing. Make me suspicious and concerned though? That's my kid and yeah, I'll do what I can to ensure she doesn't get hurt

U say u were not interfering but u literally went round her house to have a chat about the fact the person she was seeing is really a man and she didnt know. and not devoting ur time does that include googling to find out about it?
If u r going to interfer at least own it. If she is a doctor and has her own life she clearly has a good head on her shoulders.
My mum interfered into my first relationship and yes he was an idiot and treated me poorly, but I needed to work it out for myself. She didn't need to get her self so involved . I actually stayed way longer than I would have as I was desperately trying to prove my mum wrong and that obviously didn't work.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:30

It's about trusting ur daughter that u have brought her up to be able to trust her own instinct and not need her mother to save her from the scary trans person

Intru · 30/10/2022 19:30

Queeenyy · 30/10/2022 12:58

What does being trans have to do with it Confused

By definition it’s a partner / date who’s experiencing psychological issues.

Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:31

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 don't be silly now Grin You're just making up stuff now and projecting

I get it, you wouldn't care enough about your child to try and help her. We all parent differently!

OP posts:
Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:32

PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:31

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 don't be silly now Grin You're just making up stuff now and projecting

I get it, you wouldn't care enough about your child to try and help her. We all parent differently!

Yes ur right of course I wouldn't care enough 🤦‍♀️

Intru · 30/10/2022 19:32

PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 13:07

Ah now, if this was a man (and is it? It is?) then I'd be even more concerned

A bloke turning up on Tuesday night for a meal and drinks and is still there on Sunday afternoon? I'd be going out of my mind

So I don't know if I am or not? The trans thing is something I just don't know how to proceed on and yes, I can say I know and ask what on earth? She may bite my head off but meh, that would be ok

Maybe the naming convention has led to confusion, but he’s a “trans woman” is a male who’d “living as” a woman (whatever that means…)

So yes, this is a male who’s moved in to your daughter’s home straight from a first date. Any parent would be hugely concerned at that. It sounds like a plot for a disturbing film.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:33

What a surprise u never commented on the first part of my response

Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:35

@Intru I'm just relieved it's all come to a head. And there have been a few incidents over the past 5 days so she was gradually working out something was up but couldn't put her finger on it

OP posts:
Intru · 30/10/2022 19:37

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:28

U say u were not interfering but u literally went round her house to have a chat about the fact the person she was seeing is really a man and she didnt know. and not devoting ur time does that include googling to find out about it?
If u r going to interfer at least own it. If she is a doctor and has her own life she clearly has a good head on her shoulders.
My mum interfered into my first relationship and yes he was an idiot and treated me poorly, but I needed to work it out for myself. She didn't need to get her self so involved . I actually stayed way longer than I would have as I was desperately trying to prove my mum wrong and that obviously didn't work.

Show quote history

That’s messed-up, but very much a “you” problem. Normal people would appreciate the concern, not stick with someone wrong to spite their mother for trying to help.

Intru · 30/10/2022 19:39

PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:35

@Intru I'm just relieved it's all come to a head. And there have been a few incidents over the past 5 days so she was gradually working out something was up but couldn't put her finger on it

I’m pleased to have read the updates, and that she’s OK now.

Someone lying about their sex is a massive problem. Had they gone in to have sex without him having admitted it it’d be well over the line for rape / sexual assault.

Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:40

Our relationship is very good. We don't fall out, I'm able to tell her things straight as she's equally able to tell me the same

She wouldn't expect me to stand by as she 'worked through' a potentially abusive relationship and she would never ever stick with something to spite me. Now that would be strange!

OP posts:
Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:43

@Intru I had to ask how on earth she didn't spot this! Without too much detail

She said they kissed a lot, they had a shower, they cuddled and this person told her they had a low sex drive and preferred to take things slowly. She explained the boob job by saying she was an A cup which always bothered her and she said she had gone through some 'hormonal issues' and this was why she wore a patch on her hip

Daughter - for some reason - accepted this. Probably because she wanted to

And she's upset because her choices were removed from her. I don't know when the best time is to tell someone you are trans is but this person has no intentions of doing it

OP posts:
Intru · 30/10/2022 19:45

PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:43

@Intru I had to ask how on earth she didn't spot this! Without too much detail

She said they kissed a lot, they had a shower, they cuddled and this person told her they had a low sex drive and preferred to take things slowly. She explained the boob job by saying she was an A cup which always bothered her and she said she had gone through some 'hormonal issues' and this was why she wore a patch on her hip

Daughter - for some reason - accepted this. Probably because she wanted to

And she's upset because her choices were removed from her. I don't know when the best time is to tell someone you are trans is but this person has no intentions of doing it

The best time would be before meeting for a date. The absolutely last acceptable time would be before the first kiss.

Again, I’m glad she’s out of it now, and hopefully can move past this.

TedMullins · 30/10/2022 19:46

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 30/10/2022 19:28

U say u were not interfering but u literally went round her house to have a chat about the fact the person she was seeing is really a man and she didnt know. and not devoting ur time does that include googling to find out about it?
If u r going to interfer at least own it. If she is a doctor and has her own life she clearly has a good head on her shoulders.
My mum interfered into my first relationship and yes he was an idiot and treated me poorly, but I needed to work it out for myself. She didn't need to get her self so involved . I actually stayed way longer than I would have as I was desperately trying to prove my mum wrong and that obviously didn't work.

Show quote history

I’m with you on this. As a teenager and young adult my parents telling me to do something would just make me do the opposite to make a point. In lockdown I moved in with a guy I’d met three days earlier because he asked me if I’d quarantine with him. Of course it was a stupid idea, and of course it didn’t work out, but had my mum tried to tell me not to do it and interfered to that level it would’ve had the opposite effect. I’d probably have married him out of spite or something, it’s just the way I’m wired. “Are you sure this is a good idea” is all she said. Then she left me to it and was there to comfort me when it all inevitably fell apart. Of course if someone is in direct danger that’s different, but I wasn’t, and it doesn’t sound like your daughter was beyond this person being a manipulative dick. I much prefer being left to make my own mistakes.

Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:48

@TedMullins and that's good. That's how you work and how your relationship with your own mum works

It's not how my relationship with my daughter works though. And we are both glad of that

OP posts:
Original poster
PamelaPumpkin · 30/10/2022 19:49

Oh and it was really silly to move in with a man in lockdown after 3 days. That points to really skewed boundaries and low self esteem

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Spottybluepyjamas · 30/10/2022 19:51

The fact that he is trans is definitely relevant. Your daughter has been on a date with a man and now he won't leave her house. Red flags everywhere.

TedMullins · 30/10/2022 19:51

I mean, it was lockdown. There was fuck all else to do. It makes for a good story!