Worried about adult daughter and relationship with a trans woman

[PamelaPumpkin]

I'm putting this here because I don't fancy the bear pit that is AIBU and I consider it a feminist / gender issue but I just can't unpick in my mind what's bothering me the most. I'll start by saying I am not trans phobic but I am gender critical. I do not believe you can change your sex

Ok so my daughter is an adult, she's 24. She has her own home and a very good career. She's clever and sensible and mature - so I'm a bit shocked at what's happened this week

She's always dated men really, bar one woman a few years ago.

Anyway, 5 days ago she went on a date with a woman which she told me about. She showed me her Instagram photo and told me her name. She told me they'd been chatting for a few days and had met on Hinge and she was really looking forward to it. Have fun I said

It's now Sunday and this woman hasn't gone home yet. Well, once, to pick up clothes etc. my daughter is being unusually reticent about it all so I googled and found out this is a trans woman.

DD clearly knows this and I've not told her yet that I know.

So this is my problem ... actually, I can't work out what my issue is? I don't want to be transphobic but I'm struggling to get my head round this. And I'm deeply deeply worried about why this person has practically moved in. Why hasn't she gone home yet? Who the bloody hell is she?

So I don't know what to do.

She's an adult and happy. So ignore it?

Tell her I'm concerned? Say I feel it's a red flag to have a date and then that person not leave?

She knows my views on gender etc so she will be in no hurry to tell me that's for sure

Our relationship is excellent and we are close. I'm quite able to tell her what I think but I don't want to upset her particularly but I do want to try and understand what's going on here

Thoughts? I'm not trying to control her of course and I know she's a grown up. I just can't help feeling concerned and need to work out why exactly I'm so uncomfortable

Yeah but it's the trans thing OP seems uncomfortable about. Not the fact her daughter has a boyfriend.

To offer some queer perspective here, its extremely established that lesbian relationships are often intense like this. Ive had dates with women that have lasted for two days. Ive had friend hang outs with other queer women that have been days long. I dont think you need to worry necessarily, but I do think its a bit strange that you went and searched the internet for information about this woman. Are they in your house? I feel like you could/should have approached your daughter and said "can your date go back to their home because we both live here and this is my space too". I dont think that would have been unreasonable, as long as youre polite about it.

It's not a woman, Whatcha. RTFT.

Was your daughter ok with them being in her house for so long? Apologies if you've already said.

I know a couple of straight relationships where they've spent an awful lot of time with each other in the early days. I can't stand being around people for so long but I wonder how common it is for 24 year olds with their own house.

To be honest, I'm surprised a doctor wouldn't have the confidence to ask someone to leave. I'm also surprised a person has no idea of the sex of a person they've spent a few days with, and even showered with. But stranger things have happened, I suppose.

Being intimate in any way - even just kissing - with someone while concealing your sex is assault, as far as I'm concerned.

Lesbians are females, though. 90% of homicides, most violence, and virtually all rape/sexual assault is carried out by males.

Thinking a female is more likely to be violent than a male is very misinformed, at best.

That was my first thought too!

Well done, OP.

In your shoes I’d trust my daughter. However having known some transwomen who were both fantastic and complex, I’d have a niggling concern that she was possibly jumping speedily into a complex relationship. As a parent it’s natural to want to wrap even a grown child in cotton wool and protect them from the world but you’ve bought up a sensible steady daughter and it’s important to respect her decisions.

Lesbian relationships are the most violent though statistically.

@TruckerBarbie

1. How many women killed their lesbian partners in the UK last year?

1. Do you understand that the average man can kill the average woman with his bare hands?

Well, no.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6113571/

'bisexual people appeared to be the most abused group compared to the others; bisexual women, specifically, were more likely to be victims of every type of IPV, excluding psychological IPV.'

Your senses were accurate. You did well in spotting the problem. Deception on this is probably the tip of the iceberg. Your daughter is lucky to have you and you her. I think we are all naive when young so should not be condemned for that.

Actually, the study you posted reaches same conclusion as the one I read. Bisexual women suffer the worst but lesbian relationships still seem more violent than those of heterosexual couples and gay men.

So I was wrong in saying that lesbian relationships are the most violent but right in saying that OPs daughter is probably more likely to suffer violence in a lesbian relationship than she would be dating a man.

I'm certainly surprised that women who date only men suffered much lower rates of violence than those who dated both sexes or just women. Maybe the issues with bisexual women are caused by dating partners of both sexes simultaneously, leading to conflict. Or perhaps women who've had bad experiences with men choose to date women instead.

The American Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that from a sample of 16,000 U.S. adults, 26% of homosexual men, 37.3% of bisexual men, and 29% of heterosexual men had been a victim of intimate partner violence, compared to 43.8% of lesbians, 61.1% of bisexual women and 35% of heterosexual women.

www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-gays-violence-idUSBRE90O11W20130125

I was wondering about the sex of the perpetrators and whether it was safe to assume that the perpetrators of intimate partner violence against lesbians are all female. Turns out that they are not.

Sex of Perpetrator of Intimate Partner Violence
• Most bisexual and heterosexual women (89.5% and 98.7%, respectively) reported having only male perpetrators of intimate partner violence. Two-thirds of lesbian women (67.4%) reported having only female perpetrators of intimate partner violence.

So 32.6% of lesbians surveyed experienced intimate partner violence from either males solely or from both males and females.

"Intimate partner violence may occur among cohabitating or non-cohabitating romantic or sexual partners and among opposite or same sex couples."

This means that some lesbians experienced violence at the hands of MALES who were their "cohabitating or non-cohabitating romantic or sexual partners".

Who are these males who are the "intimate, romantic or sexual partners" of lesbians? Might they be those bepenised lesbians of myth and legend??

This is the study referred to - USA, 2010 data:

"The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey"
2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation
www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf

More info here from USA Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/datasources/nisvs/summaryreports.html

(The survey also includes stats for the perpetrators of sexual violence including rape and also of stalking but these are over the lifetimes of the different groups and appear not to relate specifically to "intimate partner violence".)

It's certainly a bit of a head scratcher because a woman that dates both sexes is bisexual not a lesbian.

It all rather depends on how they are defining "lesbian" . . . a "lesbian couple" can even consist of two males, apparently.

"The lesbian couple who BOTH used to be men: Chelsea (born Jonathan) was shocked to discover her boyfriend Craig wanted a sex change... and now she's a woman called Carla"
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3199636/The-lesbian-couple-used-men-Chelsea-born-Jonathan-shocked-boyfriend-Craig-wants-sex-change-s-woman-called-Carla.html

Very identifiable whether troll or not

I'm amazed she didn't notice the todger when they had a shower.

Oh come on. Don't be disingenuous.

It's normal you're worried that you'd daughter has been on one date and suddenly the person she's dating hasn't gone home at all. If it were a man or a non trans woman I expect it would still be worrying.

But can you really say to a 24 year old that she can't have a whirlwind romance. I think just keep the dialogue open, let her know you're always there for her, you could say things like what's your new partner like? I notice she hadn't been home for a bit and I hope she's ok 🙂 Your daughter might eventually tell you something like I wish she'd go home, or it might be there's a reason the woman isn't going home or they just really like each other.

Unfortunately you'll have to wait and see unless of course there's an actual issue.