Worried about adult daughter and relationship with a trans woman

[PamelaPumpkin]

I'm putting this here because I don't fancy the bear pit that is AIBU and I consider it a feminist / gender issue but I just can't unpick in my mind what's bothering me the most. I'll start by saying I am not trans phobic but I am gender critical. I do not believe you can change your sex

Ok so my daughter is an adult, she's 24. She has her own home and a very good career. She's clever and sensible and mature - so I'm a bit shocked at what's happened this week

She's always dated men really, bar one woman a few years ago.

Anyway, 5 days ago she went on a date with a woman which she told me about. She showed me her Instagram photo and told me her name. She told me they'd been chatting for a few days and had met on Hinge and she was really looking forward to it. Have fun I said

It's now Sunday and this woman hasn't gone home yet. Well, once, to pick up clothes etc. my daughter is being unusually reticent about it all so I googled and found out this is a trans woman.

DD clearly knows this and I've not told her yet that I know.

So this is my problem ... actually, I can't work out what my issue is? I don't want to be transphobic but I'm struggling to get my head round this. And I'm deeply deeply worried about why this person has practically moved in. Why hasn't she gone home yet? Who the bloody hell is she?

So I don't know what to do.

She's an adult and happy. So ignore it?

Tell her I'm concerned? Say I feel it's a red flag to have a date and then that person not leave?

She knows my views on gender etc so she will be in no hurry to tell me that's for sure

Our relationship is excellent and we are close. I'm quite able to tell her what I think but I don't want to upset her particularly but I do want to try and understand what's going on here

Thoughts? I'm not trying to control her of course and I know she's a grown up. I just can't help feeling concerned and need to work out why exactly I'm so uncomfortable

So are they post op? How did they have a shower without her noticing a penis ? ?

Well done for trusting your instincts !

This is what worries me about this generation . At what point was this person going to be truthful !!

I don't care what or who you are but that is so disingenuous!

They took a shower together? Did she not notice anything then? Or were they a post op trans? Either way, your DD was deceived and that’s a shitty thing to do to someone.

@buttons123456 post op and clearly very convincing. And also very much further on from recently post op. She is 28 so I think has lived like this for a long time but obviously my daughter wasn't looking for anything out the ordinary

She's a Dr, it does seem concerning, or very unlikely.

Ah ok , very scary with way .. so glad you have such a great relationship with your dd..

My dd is 18 so of the generation that thinks anything goes which is fine but I think there should be honesty from the start so you can make choices based on that!

@RedHelenB you can insinuate I'm a troll if you want to. I don't care! Feel free to report my op .. I'm not a troll.

However ... I really will name change back now because I've received a lot of wise words and I'm grateful for that

I don't want to just start re hashing now or having to deal with weirdos coming out so thanks again and I'm off to change back from this pumpkin!

🤣🤦‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

This was my thought. Sounds kinda like love bombing.

I think you're feeling uneasy and conflicted about it because a man was in your daughter's house under false pretences for five days, when he was only invited for one evening.

He violated so many boundaries - by pretending to be a woman, by not telling your daughter he's a man, by overstaying his welcome. It's deeply entitled and concerning behaviour.

And you're not allowed to name any of this in clear language because you will be made out to be the villain and he the victim.

So instead you have to do this ridiculous dance around the truth and contort yourself into all sorts of linguistic knots to try to convince yourself that it's just about the fact it was all 'moving a bit too fast', and not the fact that a man lied his way into your daughter's private space and then shows absolutely no signs of leaving.

My sister often jokes

What does a lesbian bring to a second date -a moving truck.

And her and her wife made the same joke at their wedding. Pretty much met and moved in right away. (Now civil partnered10 years with kids)

So I'd not see it as a huge red flag having a 5 day long date in 2 young women (ignoring the trans bit)

Yeah I believed it until the shower bit. Im not a doctor but I think I would notice if it was a man in the shower. Maybe not. But surely as a doctor she would?

Transgender or not, this is very concerning.

You can ask the police of this person has a criminal record...

Would it bother you at all if it was a biological woman? Or a biological man? If not then unfortunately you are probably less accepting than you think.

Or are you upset that she didn’t tell you the person was trans?

If she is attracted to both men and women and she really likes this person, then the fact they are trans means nothing tbh.

Id ask if she was ok and say it sounds very intense but if she’s happy then good for her. That’s all you can do. Don’t push her away.

That makes no sense at all. They lied about being male and / or they have a serious enough psychological issue that they don’t understand that they are male.

That’s not a minor point.

I would usually say that it is best not to interfere in the love life of adults but in this case I think you were right because you could tell there was something dodgy about the person. Mainly the fact that things were moving too quickly.

I have no problem with someone being trans but she should have been honest and open about it from the start so that the other person can make an informed decision about whether they want to take this further.

Many people put on their dating profiles that they are a trans man or woman and I think it is the best thing to do: be comfortable in your own skin and let a potential partner know from the start.

This woman lied to your daughter. Good riddance.

Do people not follow safety guidelines re internet dating anymore? I thought the advice was to not let any date know your address until you had seen them a few times at least and were confident about them? OPs daughter seems to have brought her date home straightaway, which seems foolhardy to me, all other issues aside...

How ridiculous. The OPs daughter was happy to have the woman there. Not like she was held hostage.

Except it wasn’t a woman.
If the person had claimed to be a Pilot then turned out to be a delivery driver or single but in reality was married they’d have done the same - misrepresented themselves. He’s misrepresented himself.

I’m amazed any woman, particularly a doctor, could not tell it was a male naked in the shower with them. I’m amazed she couldn’t tell before the shower part tbh. There is no way a male body could fool me.

cocklodger alert

Sex by deception is a crime, of course. And people have been prosecuted for it, although the cases I'm aware of involve transmen.

OP, well done for trusting your instincts. The red flags were pretty obvious from the start, I'd say.

Much as I think the trans lobby is bonkers and I'm wary of them eroding women's rights, I'm not sure it's relevant here.

Comes across a bit like 'my daughter is dating a black man and something really bothers me about it'.

No it doesn’t because black men don’t commit 98% of sex crimes, males in general do. That makes having a strange male in your house a far bigger risk than a female.