Anyone here who has opt oit having men in their lives?

[YouAreNotBatman]

I was reading about South Korean radfems who don’t date, have sex, marry or have children with men.

They sounded really cool.

It made me wonder if there are other women/feminist who have made similar choice?

I don’t think saying you’ll never marry again if something happens to your husband is exactly what I asked, but it’s all good.

Anyway, since there are comments like this, I’ve always wondered (I’ve seen the same comments so many times on MN) can I ask what is stopping you now?
If it’s so bad that you don’t want to deal with another partner ever again, why stay?
Or is it not to mean to take so literally?

I split with my kids dad a couple of years ago, and live is the same for them - because he had entirely checked out. Measuring on one dimension doesn't give the full picture.

I do the majority of the housework, which is reasonable as DH works more hours and earns more money

This made me laugh - since I split with DP, my salary has doubled - because having him expect me to do everything from washing his socks to his tax return (since you know, he was out longer hours earning more money), I've been able to redirect my energy and increase my earnings. Do you think that perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? Personally, I prefer to work over spending hours doing housework my ex considered himself too important to do, and suddenly, I earn as much as he did. Perhaps if your husband did his share of housework, you could earn the same as him too?

Interesting question 🤔 Honestly, I ask this question from time to time. I think sometimes we face those crossroads moments and I'm still thinking about options.

For now I think my life is better married to my husband is the simple answer. And also, clichéd as it sounds, the menopause years mean taking stock of things. Maybe it's easier to escape our socialisation and see things more clearly.

Its a good question.

It took quite awhile to settle down into a rhythm with my DH where were were both equal. He had been brought up by an extremely sexist family and although he claimed to not be sexist there were a lot of unconscious thoughts and actions which caused issues especially at the start.

I was younger then, more naive and having been brought up in a sexist family probably more forgiving of these than I should have been.

We have reached a point where this is less of an issue 95% of the time and the other 5% I put up with because I do love him.

But could I go through that again now I'm older, tireder of this bullshit and closer to the menopausal 'give no fucks' years? Hell no.

So I guess if I found a man who was perfect then yes if I were to become single again I would end up in a relationship. But otherwise, I don't think it would be worth the effort. Which is not to say life with my DH isn't worth it, more than I don't have the energy to get to this point again. And from what I have read on MN my DH was actually at the better end of the scale when I met him.

Since I've split up with the dcs ex 5 years ago I haven't really actively looked for a man at all. I would like someone who puts me first, but I can't take the risk of ending up with another dickhead.

@UWhatNow
Yeah, that’s nice and everything, but also not was asked.

I wanted to specifically know if there where women out here who have made a lot less usual choices in life.
Not many topics like this around.

But you really had to come here and pander to men…
You could have easily ignore this thread and go gush about men somewhere else.

Your daughter sounds fantastic!

I would miss good sex. Note I said good. Most men aren't capable of good sex.

It's an interesting question for sure. I don't have any men in my life other than my husband as my Dad is no longer with us. If I was to divorce my husband I know for certain that I wouldn't want another relationship with a man. I just don't see what they bring to the table to be honest.

The poster Adelishious is on another thread telling a victim of strangulation that her husband strangled her and she deserved it and was lucky to have been controlled. I really wouldn't respond to anything they have to say.

Like Squirrel, my life would be worse off if I wasn't married to my DH. Also, like Maddog, it took me a lot to get where I am now with my DH, 30 years later, and I don't have the energy for that.

I once heard someone say that only 5% of men are decent. I believe this. To be single again I'd have to kiss a hundred frogs and I don't have the energy for that. The goals I have for the rest of my life involve other people (need more than 1 to do the hobbies I want to take up), money and health. I don't really need a man to achieve them, just other people.

@SexyLittleNosferatu
Please don't lie to people and make things up to suit. THE OPPOSITE WAS SAID!!

I actually said one of the ops didn't deserve it but that I had deserved it when i was choked at times by DH. Please don't spread lies.

Thats literally what @SexyLittleNosferatu said. She said that you had posted:

her husband strangled her and she deserved it and was lucky to have been controlled

The her in that sentence is you.

You need the freedom programme, a DV shelter and serious counselling, I no longer wonder about your low opinion of women, you have been abused into this position.

You need to leave your marriage/relationship now. There is no reason ever every to strangle someone and no one can ever deserve such treatment.

No one ever 'deserves' to be choked Adelishious, please get some help

As an older woman, I used to think, if anything happened to my husband, I would remarry.

The older I get, the more inclined I am to think, no way!

That's literally what I said. It's there in black and white. Whilst your original post was deleted, obviously, another poster quoted you and that one still stands.

You sound very controlling @Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen to be telling strangers where they should go, who they should see and what major family decisions they 'need' to make, based on a sentence worth of personal info.

It's so controlling in general to hear some of the posters on here thinking they know best, but I'll assume it gives them a sense of purpose, however useless their advice is to others.

The truth, on the other hand is that if anyone was abusive during that time in our marriage it was me, I don't think a single person who knew both of us back then would claim otherwise. I would have loved to hear back then the kind of advice I've got here, as I was angry, and when I would have an episode it would wind me up how calm and nonchalant DH's behaviour was as nothing seemed to affect him negatively. He always seemed to have it easy & everybody loved him and at these times I'd get resentful of that and push him to make him react in I similar way to me, even though it was never in his nature. So I'd assault him, hit him, break his things, and if I got no reaction I'd go further until he reacted. He never punched, hit or kicked me, but when enough was enough he would wrestle me into a hold and squeeze until I passed out. When coming to after passing out like that all you feel is lethargy and confusion, too tired to argue about what happened.

So no, I wasn't abused, I'm actually very lucky the man I'm with stayed with me to help me work through this troubled time in my life and is why I never rush to think I know best as to what happens in others relationships let alone think I should decide what action they 'need' to take.

For those who don't want men in your life, how does that work if you have a daughter who is straight, go on to have a son, have a grandson? As in how do you square "I don't have men in my life because they're [insert words of choice] oh except my seven grandsons who aren't like THAT? Or would you also limit your contact with a son in law / have less to do with your grandsons as they get older etc?

He always had the option to leave Adelishious and it sounds like that's exactly what he should have done. Still doesn't mean you deserved to be choked, left yes but not choked.

Of course you were abused Adelishious, whether you minimise it to yourself and others, or justify it because you were also abusive. Every single time he did that, and you passed out, he could have killed you accidentally. It was criminal and abusive. He had a choice how to act, and there are very many other actions he could have taken that would have been reasonable and not abusive.

btw, @Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen is not being controlling. Someone posting anonymously on a public forum has no ability to control you. She was giving you advice. Which you are free to ignore, or not as is your right.

Of course, when a woman is struggling and is desperately seeking someone they can trust and grow close to, likely due to those that have chosen to 'just leave' and not to bother with her in the past... You think it would benefit her for someone else to 'just leave' her. Can you not see, that's what I wanted him to do, as i felt he would anyway, just like people before, so I'd push, just to get it over with quicker as I loved this man too much to get more hurt if he'd of left later down the line.

Youre naive if you see things as this black & white. Things are often far more complex, but in my case, most certainly the answer was not for him just to leave. I was never choked through anger, it was always due to dispair and last resort and almost always prevented my outrageous behaviour from escalating any further.

I can see you're very heavily invested in your narrative and justification. But objectively, what he chose to do is abusive and criminal regardless of how much you wanted him to take that action.

Me I have zero interest in men and no intention of having one in my life. I had a child as a single mum DS so obviously I have time for him but he is the only one and he looks like my double so it's easy. But non related men no thank you.

He should have left for himself, irrespective of what was best for you! You struggling to trust doesn't justify you abusing him, any more than choking you was a justifiable reaction to your abuse of him. And some things are black and white, the only acceptable level of abuse (and more particularly violence) in a relationship is none.

I was never choked through anger, it was always due to dispair and last resort and almost always prevented my outrageous behaviour from escalating any further.
It doesn't matter whether he choked you through anger, or just to control you and put you down, you're both bloody lucky he's not in jail for murder / manslaughter.
Oh no your honour, I was just choking her to shut her up, she'd have thanked me later, if she'd ever woke up!