The cult of motherhood - feminism's unfinished business

[TellMeItsPossible]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end?CMP=fb_gu&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1639042839

The pressure mothers are put under, compared to even 50 years ago, sort of blows my mind.

What can we do, as feminists, to improve the lot of mothers? I agree that we need to work on this. Mothering can't be viewed through a patriarchal lense, shoehorned into existing structures, and mothers can't be continually treated as a resource provider for a capitalist world (see also: panic over dropping birth rates).

@sheroku it very much depends where you are in the country too as cuts etc vary by area. If you live somewhere that has many baby/toddler groups close by then these can be a lifeline (and the one good thing about where I had my baby). I could get to several within a 10-15 min walk and that helped immensely. Same with access to parks/outside space and functioning children's centres. If you live out in the sticks with nothing available within a 30 min drive and nowhere safe to walk it would be very different and much more isolating.

I had my baby in the SE - HVs had been contracted out and were trying to avoid doing anything (hence couldn't provide support for PND). No developmental checks were being done on babies/toddlers leaving families struggling alone. The baby clinics were gradually shut (this was before Covid). The children's centres closed down for everything but BFing support a year or so later.

I've since moved 200 miles north, as did a friend a few years back and it's been overwhelmingly different - she was proactively invited to a children's centre when they registered at a GP, offered developmental checks.

It wasn't something I really thought about before having DD - I thought the infrastructure was there everywhere!

Sheroku- small babies and toddlers are all different. Some much 'easier' than others.

Also for the mother varies massively due to huge range factors. From support network, to how the birth is, to personality, to any MH issues, to attitudes of friends family etc, to partner if is one... Just loads.

No one can predict what it will be like for them. First time and if do again no knowing how different will be!

The MASSIVE thing to remember though is that the baby, toddler bit is one bit at the start.

They grow up! And the challenges, brilliant stuff, how parents feel at each bit changes.

I had a bad time babies toddlers.
Once got to about 6. Could wipe own bums, could have an actual conversation, behaved more rationally rather than being totally random, that's when I suddenly started totally enjoying it.

Secondary now teen stuff. Some parents struggle this bit, when not struggled before. For me all good so far.

Who can say what will happen?

Then they grow up more, get independent (hopefully!), Get jobs, move out etc.

And hopefully that way as you age and they do too.

It's a long term view. Babies are what 12 months? Decision to have or not based on a fraction of it all, not way to approach.

The issue around sharing motherhood for me is really about our way of life changing so much overall.

You live in a city without knowing your neighbours, work at a job 40 hours a week and mainly see your partner and occasionally friends who live a drive away maybe a few times a week, etc.

And then suddenly you are home all day with an infant, that does not in any way mean you suddenly have easily accessible friends with kids of similar age who you meet up with in a natural way on a day to day basis, who share the same parenting traditions and practices you do and want to do the same things.

A lot of new mum groups are made up mainly of women who have not met before, and while sometimes real friendships come out of it, the fact is that deep friendships take a lot of time - both in number of days and lots of contact - to develop. And then they may be people you like but not share a vision of parenting.

What we don't have are established communities with long term family and friends within spitting distance, where a number of them also have young kids, who have similar backgrounds and expect to parent our kids the same way.

Large numbers of people in our society pretty much have no intimate friends other than their partner. And most people find it difficult to really ask favours, depend upon, others for help, and sometimes even trust people with their kids when they don't know them well.

[quote Loveinacoldishclimate]@CheeseMmmm yes I’ve gone a bit off piste writing a huge tome, but I agree with everything that you’ve said in spades. This feels like a Cosmopolitan article from the 90s![/quote]
Enjoyed your post!

I think something important is not in the picture which is external pressure, and societal attitudes.

In RL it's true that huge huge numbers of women, from lately even BEFORE pregnant, through to pregnancy, birth, feeding, etc.

And it's hardly surprising when we're bombarded with stuff variously judgemental, scaremongering, extreme to live by, 'new scientific findings' that are vague but consequences doom Laden, constant changes in what not to eat, and on into widespread judgement on things like dummies, reins, weaning approach, bedtimes, 'routines', type of nappies, and I mean on and on and on.

It's not solely generated by other women, all this stuff. It's all over the place from mainstream media to random blokes in shops to friends whether had children or not to pre natal IME NHS as well as NCT to midwives to...

It's bloody everywhere.

No wonder so many women across the board end up insecure, somewhat confused, paranoid about going wrong meaning negative impact on baby future life in some way....

Again as with so much around women. Doomladen consequences if we don't follow a never ending list of mitigations. As individuals.

Anything goes wrong with children? Blame the mother. So so deeply embedded in society for so so long.

Example when I was Pg royal college obstetricians gynaes issued advice re pregnancy- excerpts below from news at time.
Quickly followed pieces with ofgs this is silly , no evidence. But the possible damage so dire, obv will have caused worry, confusion, doubt etc and that can't be erased...

The things to avoid-

'suggesting that expectant mothers could reduce their exposure to chemicals by using fresh rather than processed food; shunning food and drink in cans or plastic containers, even in food storage; and minimising their use of toiletries and beauty products such as moisturisers, cosmetics, shower gels and perfumes.

Not to buy furniture, fabrics or non-stick frying pans while pregnant or looking after their other children.'

The risks:

'Adverse health effects apparently associated with the (suspect) chemicals include pre-term birth, low birth weight, congenital defects and impairment of fertility later in life.'

This sort of thing in media periodically.

And of course helpful people friends, family, colleagues, strangers then for while after will say. Should you have that coffee? Are you worried about that glass of wine before Pg? Sorry just seen tin beans in basket, really shouldn't get them etc etc.

That's one thing of loads of areas that lead to stacks of women not knowing wtf to do, and every choice could DAMAGE BABY.

It's also the reason so many topics are so polarised and fighty.

If consider the thing you will do/ did is not the best thing. Have failed baby pretty much from beginning. Of course fighty. And most not originating from women, simply fed to us.

We do get overly bombarded with information when pregnant and, especially with your first, it's so hard to pick out what really matters. Or what doesn't make much difference.

It was everything from how to strap your seatbelt around your bump, the stuff to avoid eating/drinking (and Emily Oster's book debunks a lot of this!), to the constant pressure about BFing and the MLU at every midwife appt. What they didn't do was differentiate information for each woman to what is relevant - it would have been far more useful for a midwife/HV to have sat down with me, observed that we had no family locally and helped me come up with a plan for finding support, then checked in after the birth to see how it was going. Of course, this didn't happen!

HCPs made me absolutely terrified of SIDS, yet the rates for that are far far lower than other problems which never got a mention. I remember our baby in a crib in our bedroom and desperate to get her out into her own room as I found it so claustrophobic having her in with us but the advice was 26 weeks and we were too scared to move her out early. In the end both she and I got cough/colds at 24 weeks and we moved her out at 25 weeks as we were disturbing each other with all the coughing! Now it seems bonkers that I was so so worried about her moving out even a week 'early' but at the time it caused huge amounts of worry.

Despite the vast amounts of info we're bombarded with people still seem to struggle to access the info they actually need. I help out on a combi-feeders group now and the amount of basic info about how to make up formula, normal baby behaviour etc is often lacking. Funding for children's centres would help - somewhere non-judgmental to drop in and ask those questions!