The cult of motherhood - feminism's unfinished business

[TellMeItsPossible]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end?CMP=fb_gu&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1639042839

The pressure mothers are put under, compared to even 50 years ago, sort of blows my mind.

What can we do, as feminists, to improve the lot of mothers? I agree that we need to work on this. Mothering can't be viewed through a patriarchal lense, shoehorned into existing structures, and mothers can't be continually treated as a resource provider for a capitalist world (see also: panic over dropping birth rates).

I don't have kids and have a question that I don't feel I can ask any of my mum friends lest they take it the wrong way.

Why don't women share the burden of childcare between themselves more? I see women on maternity leave at the same time as their friends and yet they seem so lonely. They all talk about how it's impossible to have a shower or go to the toilet because someone needs to watch the baby. Why don't they go round each other's houses and do it jointly? Why not rotate the childcare around so they each get a proper day off? (obviously the last one only works if you've stopped breastfeeding)

The reason I ask is because this is what used to happen. The responsibility for raising kids wouldn't be all on the mother's shoulders - friends, family etc would all muck in and help out.

(N.B. don't worry I've not forgotten that dads exist, I'm just focusing on mothers in this post)

I think it's a brilliant idea, and something I did do myself once, when 2 friends of mine had babies within weeks of me. It made a huge difference.

I wouldn't have a baby with a man. I brought up my son alone, I'm not risking 50/50 custody and the majority men are just useless anyway.
I'm 60 so not not usual in those days but I had a good career, still do and my own home.
My household was calm and peaceful so I never had a problem having a shower or having me time, my son slept in the same room I was in and I was always there.
I'd shove him in a sling and we;d go anywhere, festivals, camping whatever.
I didn't have the endless demands of a partner and didn't have to tear myself in two for both of them. We had a lovely time.

i would have shared childcare more with others had I felt ok to do so. instead at a time when I needed support I felt judgement from other mothers and sadly had no-one who might have been happy to do this. also people are super precious about their kids and especially babies IMO. Most aren't prepared to leave their kids in the care of a friend. Family yes, but friends sadly not.

I do think more financial support for mothers would be helpful if the govt could do this. Less pressure to start working again soon. More community groups, free activities and so on.

@sheroku I think part of it is that the cult of motherhood means that it’s hard to ask for help. You’re supposed to be in this cloud of bliss loving every minute of it. Also, lots of people don’t want to help. I’ve tried to arrange babysitting swaps but no one is really up for it.

That article chimes so much with my own thoughts and feelings since becomming a mother 8 years ago, I am not sure what the answer is but am quite convinced the problem is becomming worse - from the guilt about not being able to breastfeed my first, having friends who had emergency c-sections and had the same level of guilt over missing out on a natural birth even though it likely saved their own lives, to the workplace imbalance and the constant competitive helicoptering of our growing children. The more we talk about this the more we can try to dispell the status quo that mothers should be happy to hand over their own sense of self for at least 18 years and subjugate themselves completely to their children's needs and wishes. Maybe this will help women everywhere realise they are not unusual, unnatural or wrong when they feel pissed off at the sheer unfairness of it all!

@sheroku It's possibly that they're very new friends made at an NCT or other antenatal class though? I didn't do classes like that (they're £250+ in my area) and had no friends on maternity leave at the same time as me. I eventually made some mum friends by going to groups but it took most of the first year to build
those relationships, by which point most people were heading back to work. I'm not sure I'd have wanted to leave my baby with a very new acquaintance - or happy to have someone I barely knew in my house whilst eg I showered.

I had very little help around - no family within a 4 hour drive and found that people locally eg at my church or HCPs assumed that family provided support. The only two people who were helpful were an American neighbour I knew slightly who dropped some food round for the freezer but whom I barely knew at that point (I do now!) and so I wouldn't have left her with my baby. She also had a full time job so little time. And a woman I knew from craft group who was about 20 years older than me, childless and not working who was happy to come for walks with me and who would occasionally sit in the dentist's waiting room holding the baby whilst I had a checkup.

There's a huge amount of anxiety now about always responding instantly to your baby/never letting them cry which is partly where the showering difficulty comes from. I always managed to shower every day with mine by feeding/changing her first, then putting her in a bouncy chair next to the shower where she could see me, and getting on with a quick shower. I kept talking to her but only got out the shower for full blown howling. Mostly she'd sit and watch or grizzle a bit but it helped her get used to being put down.

There is a deep-seated society-wide contempt for mothers, which starts when they are pregnant. You only have to see the pile-ons that occur here in the Pregnancy and Baby boards sometimes when unwitting expectant or new mothers use the "wrong" terminology WRT sex/gender, or make the mistake of using a term like "girl's outfit" or "dressed as a girl"-- the general thrust being that civilisation is doomed if the women rearing the next generation are inculcating their offspring with these sick and retrograde notions. It all comes back to the basic Freudian principle of "blame the mother."

This contempt is reflected in the way many medical people, social workers, etc. treat women. I suspect many pregnant women and new mothers are terrified of seeking treatment for PND, lest they get their babies taken off them. I know I was one of them.

@sheroku - i was lucky that i met a group of mums through an nhs support group and we did that to an extent. Certainly company and toilet breaks were covered.
The thing is babies do require quite a high level of support so your friend leaving a baby with you all day can be hard and some mums are struggling a bit with just looking after 1 or their own 2.

I also found many of the other new mums were quite competitive so it was hard to build relationships? I was bullied at breastfeeding support by other mums because I was also using formula (for medical reasons - it saved my baby's life!). There is no way I'd have even considered letting any of them into my home!

And that's caused by the pressure to mother a certain way which sets mums against each other.

This is not to be dismissive of the idea that mums should watch each others babies, but HMRC have a history of taxing friendship arrangements like this to hell. Ridiculous, isn't it?

Yes, unfortunately it's often women themselves who uphold amd replicate this patriarchal version of motherhood that needlessly pits us against each other. It doesn't serve any purpose besides isolating women from one another and several potential community ties.

@JennyForeigner

This is not to be dismissive of the idea that mums should watch each others babies, but HMRC have a history of taxing friendship arrangements like this to hell. Ridiculous, isn't it?

Can you link some of these cases?

I can't understand how HMRC could tax unpaid child care by family or friends.

The perfectionism is the prison, people need to stop comparing everything. I found mothers very Judgemental too, I don’t care if your toddler needs a snack every three minutes, I don’t need your passive aggressive comments because mine eats three meals I am not killing him, I don’t care if you will never pop to the shop without your 9 year old until he’s 15 I don’t need your comments about the fact that I do. Some Helicopter parents are not always happy just to behave this way themselves, they need to see others as failing and let everybody know about it. The comparing and criticising should be socially unacceptable.

@RidingMyBike

I also found many of the other new mums were quite competitive so it was hard to build relationships? I was bullied at breastfeeding support by other mums because I was also using formula (for medical reasons - it saved my baby's life!). There is no way I'd have even considered letting any of them into my home!

And that's caused by the pressure to mother a certain way which sets mums against each other.

Oh god yeah the breastfeeding purists, I’d forgotten about that. I did mixed feeding too, there didn’t seem to be groups for new mothers in my area unless they were breastfeeding.

Plus we live in very different circs to the People of the Past. Once, someone from my originally working class background would have lived in a small area with extended family very close by, known all the neighbours who probably had similar aged children too and, if I'd worked, it would have been within walking distance of home.

Instead I had a job that I commuted to so all my work friends lived scattered across London and the SE, my family were all at least 4 hours away. Knew the immediate neighbours but they were all in their 90s so I wasn't going to leave a baby with them

@Isthatthebestyoucando yep, that happened in my area - the children's centres were cut so they only provided support for families who'd been referred by social services and breastfeeding support.

So your average struggling new mum who was combi-feeding or using formula had nowhere to go.

That then exacerbates the divide.

@sheroku

I don't have kids and have a question that I don't feel I can ask any of my mum friends lest they take it the wrong way.

Why don't women share the burden of childcare between themselves more? I see women on maternity leave at the same time as their friends and yet they seem so lonely. They all talk about how it's impossible to have a shower or go to the toilet because someone needs to watch the baby. Why don't they go round each other's houses and do it jointly? Why not rotate the childcare around so they each get a proper day off? (obviously the last one only works if you've stopped breastfeeding)

The reason I ask is because this is what used to happen. The responsibility for raising kids wouldn't be all on the mother's shoulders - friends, family etc would all muck in and help out.

(N.B. don't worry I've not forgotten that dads exist, I'm just focusing on mothers in this post)

I was really lucky, I had my son with weeks of a close neighbour having hers so we actually did very similar to this and it did lighten the load. Not just someone to share with but I see a lot of new mums here worry about their babies meeting milestones so its reassuring to know your worries are perfectly normal.

Unfortunately we both moved to different areas and lost touch (we really had very little in common apart from our little ones) but it made a lonely time much easier.

Before the cuts the children's centre was also a lovely, non-judgmental space - eg DH could take DD there when I did KIT days at work and felt comfortable going.

@sheroku

I don't have kids and have a question that I don't feel I can ask any of my mum friends lest they take it the wrong way.

Why don't women share the burden of childcare between themselves more? I see women on maternity leave at the same time as their friends and yet they seem so lonely. They all talk about how it's impossible to have a shower or go to the toilet because someone needs to watch the baby. Why don't they go round each other's houses and do it jointly? Why not rotate the childcare around so they each get a proper day off? (obviously the last one only works if you've stopped breastfeeding)

The reason I ask is because this is what used to happen. The responsibility for raising kids wouldn't be all on the mother's shoulders - friends, family etc would all muck in and help out.

(N.B. don't worry I've not forgotten that dads exist, I'm just focusing on mothers in this post)

I doubt any exhausted new mum would be keen to look after 2 babies rather than one 😂 imagine if they both started crying!

I was a struggling, lonely new mum with no family around. What would’ve been ideal for me would’ve been Children’s centre having a room open for drop-ins at any time. Baby groups are fab but they’re only an hour and if the baby is finally asleep and you don’t want to disturb them, it’s easy to miss them. Then it’s several days until the next one. A room with some toys/mats in, a friendly face and a kettle to have a tea/coffee would’ve been lovely. However I know there is probably nothing like enough funds for this.

Hanging out together is easy and good but unless an emergency I couldn't have left a friend looking after 2 for the day until they were around 3, it's just too much to ask. The real divide is those who have grandparents nearby

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I wouldn't have a baby with a man. I brought up my son alone, I'm not risking 50/50 custody and the majority men are just useless anyway. I'm 60 so not not usual in those days but I had a good career, still do and my own home. My household was calm and peaceful so I never had a problem having a shower or having me time, my son slept in the same room I was in and I was always there. I'd shove him in a sling and we;d go anywhere, festivals, camping whatever. I didn't have the endless demands of a partner and didn't have to tear myself in two for both of them. We had a lovely time.

Bit sweeping. I regularly think I don’t know how I would cope with DD without my DH. I think a good father is better than no father, but no father is better than a crap one.

I did to some extent share with one close friend who lived in the same village, but all other friends were a drive away and it only really works if you're close by. Getting out of the house with everything you need to be at someone else's house is too much in the early days.

Also, some had family help so didn't need to do this, so wouldn't.

The divide is, I would agree, those who have family living nearby.

We've moved around so much, mainly for DH's job, that I'm not geographically close to any of my really good friends. It doesn't really work if you have to drive 2 hours to get there. We don't have family back up and it's been brutal.

I think the fact that many people move away from family for work is the big killer - leaving many first time mums totally cut off when they have a child. Right before I had kids, my only friends came from work, which was a 1 hour drive away from where we lived (DH worked in the opposite direction so we lived in the middle). That was no problem to socialising (there was a train) when I had no kids but was a huge distance with a baby.

Interesting article, with some unsurprising but depressing stats.

The focus on feminism’s ‘failures’ - rather than things that have changed or haven’t changed - is irritating, though.

sheroku most mothers are on maternity leave for a year or less, so during that time any reciprocal childcare would mean looking after two (or more if one or both had older DC) tiny DC. Later, for SAH or PT mums it’s still pretty hard work to look after others’ DCs.

I was lucky with the mums I met, v mutually supportive etc, and did a bit of informal reciprocal childcare, but disliked looking after others’ DC when I was knackered!

The article quotes Simone de Beauvoir (1949): mothers who try to be good all the time “give up all pleasure, all personal life, enabling them to assume the role of victim”. Their “displays of resignation spur guilt feelings in the child”’.

Can relate to that.