To be really surprised by this? Married surname

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So DP and I recently decided to get married. It'll be registry office and nice dinner - no big wedding, not our style. I won't be changing my name - for a number of reasons, but obviously don't care what other people do with their names. And totally understand people with children all wanting to have the same surname.

But what has really surprised me is the amount of women I know - women my age, who have asked me if DP and I have 'had the discussion about what's happening with my name' and 'will he not be annoyed that you're not taking his name' and 'omg was he disappointed you are not taking his name'. My DP does not give a toss tbh!

These are women who proclaim to be feminists. I thought part of that was not caring about what other women did with their surnames? It's so weird to me. I'm early 30s. Has anyone else found this? Honestly so surprised

For my money it wasn't to make a point, but the side effect of (assuming they are like this) of having a long list of names and thinking I'll try and get a load done.

That sort of repetitive job scrambles brain s bit. Prob just on autopilot!

And/ or thought I'll enjoy a little drink or two to get me through this task

His reaction though! I think provides answer why generally women fold as PP mentioned.

With this titles marriage names stuff.

Women have various 'choices' all if which certainly carry connotations about what 'sort' of woman they are, decisions are bizarrely of extreme interest to all any sundry, frequently meaning hordes of people asking what doing name .. WHY? In often a slightly combative tone.
Area is fraught with risk of family consternation...

Men. Mr Jones when single. Married Mr Jones. Possibly double barrell.

Children? Deep seated expection, and one that is rarely deviated from IRL, that children will be Jones, or maybe jones- brown.

It's just how it is. For men, no change, nothing to be quizzed on, to lead to assumptions about him, to wrangle upset parents, in laws/ both...

Oh AND, fucking AND.

The amount of men I've heard, read, seen etc.

SNEERING, rolling eyes. Often a sort of supercilious expression, tone of voice.

All this fuss women make about surnames! Miss ms miss women get so worked up. It's trivial! Just not important. Can't see why they make such a fuss. Etc.

Subtext so obvious might have well just said it-
Women eh? Always getting worked up about nothing.
Just not really rational. You'd never see men getting stroppy about this! (Ha ha what a ridiculous thought!)
I mean what's the problem anyway? If tricky just do the normal thing. Mrs husband surname. Easy. Dunno why they made all this other stuff up anyway. Bloody feminists.

I didn’t change my name on marriage 30 odd years ago, partly for professional reasons and partly as a matter of principle. I get the impression now that fewer women now stick with their own name, which I find surprising. Our sons have my surname as their second middle name and they say that they think it’s illogical for women to change their name on marriage.

I appreciate the sentiment of having the mother's name as a second middle name but l have this and I find it a bit annoying. I never use my second middle name for anything except filling in forms and many forms don't allow you to write multiple (long) middle names. So I have it on my passport but not my bank statements etc.

I'd far rather have my mum's original surname as it's much nicer and I'm much closer to that side of the family. I do slightly resent the fact that I got lumped with an awkwardly spelt, boring surname just because of patriarchal tradition!

I wouldn’t think to ask to be honest

A friend of mine was remarried a few years ago and she seemed quite chuffed that her new partner wouldn’t marry her unless she changed her name from her ex husband’s to his name…I thought that was a bit weird but i didnt say anything 😀

A friend of mine was remarried a few years ago and she seemed quite chuffed that her new partner wouldn’t marry her unless she changed her name from her ex husband’s to his name…I thought that was a bit weird but i didnt say anything

Says it all really doesn't it.

I used to work in a small team where we were required to wear a name badge.
One of my coworkers went off to be married and the manager had a new badge printed with her "new" name on and tried to tell her she HAD to change it after marriage!

Now, coworker was actually intending on using the married name anyway, but as a result decided to keep her maiden name at work.
(This was early 00s, by the way)

sheroku

Yep.

So many men say silly trivial women getting in a pickle over nothing.

Marry woman and she keeps ex DH surname?
Obviously majority men would be nope nope. (Even if she wants to keep so same surname as existing children? Which would be a reasonable thing to want).
Clearly not, what is she thinking?!

Children not married or married kept surname.
Any children just mum's surname?
Same. Nope. Clearly generally just nope.
People might assume not his children, is why, I assume.

Any children just dads surname?
Very common.
Ok for mum to have different surname to kids though. For... Reasons.
People could assume that kids are his from previous relationship (once kids not tiny) but you know that's not the same.
(In reality, as mum different surname to kids v common, unlikely to think that but still).

Men title name rarely change.
Children expectation man surname.
In post just now, not happy to have woman ex surname.

So do surnames still have v patriarchal aspects.
Yes. And it's still about man centre, how others relate to him.

When I married DH about a decade ago, I'd just roll my eyes and laugh at that kind of questions: "Change name? What the hell for? Is there anything wrong with my name? Can't be bothered with updating all my paperwork: passport, bank details, HMRC, ... fuck that shit, life's too short! I also happen to be known professionally under my own name, why would I want to sabotage my career by making myself less Googlable? As for title, I go by Dr, and that won't change either, thanks. And as for kids, we will double-barrel, obviously, I thought everyone knew that's how it works? etc."

I guess it did come across as rude, but it's not like I give a toss about offending useful idiots who inadvertedly perpetuate archaic sexist practices out of sheer ignorance.

Yup, it's complicated! Although I have strong opinions about it, @CheeseMmmm , I do try not to get at individuals ever. I think often it's enough to raise it as a topic and let women know that it's not actually a legal obligation to change it - lots think it is.

And sometimes a bit of consciousness raising is all that's needed. I was doing a bit of A level tutoring of a friend's daughter, doing The Handmaid's Tale. When she realised why Offred was called that she got SO furious and said she'd never change her name, and I cheered her on!

God I never ever do any feminist type stuff at individual level! And irl when anyone getting married.

I'm a very enthusiastic person!
Omg wow! How exciting! Ring? Gorgeous!! Beautiful. Really suits you! Have you set the date? When? Where! Sounds brilliant, perfect! Etc.

Don't ask name who cares? I don't! Man/woman you know has got engaged! Etc.

The constant quizzing, judgement of women and girls across society, on pretty much everything. The amount of things that are really persual and divisive and opinions in media and on and on. It's utter shit.

You might agree with my posts earlier about-
Expecting individual women in their own lives and with their own situations,
To make a stand as an individual on divisive, judgement inviting, often sensitive stuff.

It achieves nothing, at wider view.

Chipping at patriarchal long embedded norms, to get anywhere. It's a group effort. Push for social norms/ laws to change.

Thinking an individual women making a statement via surname when marry. And if not it's disappointing (or similar as a previous poster did.

That's imo nasty, judgemental.

@sheroku

I appreciate the sentiment of having the mother's name as a second middle name but l have this and I find it a bit annoying. I never use my second middle name for anything except filling in forms and many forms don't allow you to write multiple (long) middle names. So I have it on my passport but not my bank statements etc.

I'd far rather have my mum's original surname as it's much nicer and I'm much closer to that side of the family. I do slightly resent the fact that I got lumped with an awkwardly spelt, boring surname just because of patriarchal tradition!

Just drop it off the end of your name and use the name you inherited from your Mum!

@CheeseMmmm I agree, so much scrutiny about what individual women do.

You could always enthusiastically ask men if they will be changing their name.

Might help plant a seed.

I'm engaged and I am keeping my name when we marry. Ds has my name and I won't be changing it over plus I like my name. Dp agrees with me that he will take my name and I take his too so we will have Mr and mrs x-y instead of mr and Mrs x

I don’t judge anyone for what they do with their name.
I double barrelled when I got married, so that I would have my name and the same name as my kids.
If I was getting married, and knew I wasn’t having kids, I wouldn’t change my name.

The really feminist thing to do surely would be to create your own name at adulthood whether married or not?

I could have keep my dad’s name (I didn’t) but It occurred to me that that’s babe that’s been passed down through the male line for generations anyway.

Besides… it’s only a name, whatever you choose. Anyone who judges your personal choices is an arse. I really think actions are more important.

I changed my name when I got married. I wanted to all have the same family name after growing up in a house with three different surnames.
Also, my maiden name was a link to my dad, a man I barely knew and quite an ugly, clunky name so was happy to cast it off.

I have friends who kept their names. It never occurred to me to ask such daft questions. Everyone makes decisions based on their own experiences and opinions. I’m just happy that they’re happy.

Almost every woman I know in my profession (medicine) keeps their name professionally but changes their name personally. I’m one of the very very few who has kept their name in both spheres.

What I find interesting is the number of men in my profession who make remarks like ‘one of those types who keeps their maiden name’ with real derision. These men tend to be very difficult to supervise, over confident and at times IMO dangerous. It has become a useful red flag for me.

Couple of women at work got married recently and I asked them if they were changing their names. But only because I deal with the banking and payroll, I couldn't give a shit about whether they’d discussed it with their new husband or what he thought, I asked purely for practical reasons.

Just drop it off the end of your name and use the name you inherited from your Mum!

It's just not practical unfortunately. I'm mid-thirties and known by this name professionally now and so to lose all my online career history would be a real bummer. I really wish I'd thought of it age 18 though.