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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

To be really surprised by this? Married surname

145 replies

Hereagainnewlogin · 15/12/2021 11:40

So DP and I recently decided to get married. It'll be registry office and nice dinner - no big wedding, not our style. I won't be changing my name - for a number of reasons, but obviously don't care what other people do with their names. And totally understand people with children all wanting to have the same surname.

But what has really surprised me is the amount of women I know - women my age, who have asked me if DP and I have 'had the discussion about what's happening with my name' and 'will he not be annoyed that you're not taking his name' and 'omg was he disappointed you are not taking his name'. My DP does not give a toss tbh!

These are women who proclaim to be feminists. I thought part of that was not caring about what other women did with their surnames? It's so weird to me. I'm early 30s. Has anyone else found this? Honestly so surprised

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 15/12/2021 15:43

Should I ever get married, I'd like to keep my name.

Depending on how well I knew you, i might still ask what your DPs thoughts were on you keeping yours though. Its not uncommon for men to resist it and id be interested to know - not if you were a colleague or acquaintance though, that's a bit too nosy! Grin

lazylinguist · 15/12/2021 15:48

I'm 50. I took my husband's name, but he wouldn't have been remotely fussed if I hadn't. I don't remember anyone asking me about it tbh. I know lots of women my age who took their husband's name but kept their own name at work, but not many who didn't take their husband's name at all. I have no judgement either way tbh.

FoxgloveSummers · 15/12/2021 16:37

I dunno why everyone is landing this exclusively on women when these are some of the things OP has been asked:

'will he not be annoyed that you're not taking his name' and 'omg was he disappointed you are not taking his name'.

I've known men bitterly disappointed/angry/sulky when their fiancees don't want to take their name, and some women pressured into it by their partners.

I think the "chatter" part of this is fairly split between men and women, but in private I don't see many women pressuring their boyfriends to take their names but several the other way round.

OP - quite a few people asked me too, I wasn't really surprised (I guess in some ways it's good as they don't just assume I will change) but it was annoying to remember this "tradition" exists as I think as a one-sided thing it is bollocks.

lazylinguist · 15/12/2021 16:47

I've known men bitterly disappointed/angry/sulky when their fiancees don't want to take their name

Well, problem solved then - no wedding. Because who the hell wants to marry an angry, sulky man?

BobbieT1999 · 15/12/2021 16:50

@lazylinguist

I've known men bitterly disappointed/angry/sulky when their fiancees don't want to take their name

Well, problem solved then - no wedding. Because who the hell wants to marry an angry, sulky man?

My almost-husband reacted exactly like this when found out I had no intention of taking his name. For my part, I was astonished that he assumed I would.

Funnily enough, we're no longer together!

lazylinguist · 15/12/2021 16:58

You clearly had a lucky escape, @BobbieT1999! It's understandable that a fiancé might have a view on this - it's cultural and none of us can claim to be totally immune to cultural norms, expectations based on our upbringing etc. But a man who assumes and expects their wife to take their name and sulks or gets angry if she won't.... that says a lot about what kind of man he is.

Twizbe · 15/12/2021 17:04

I think asking if you're changing your name is ok.
I always ask so I know how to address their cards. I don't care what they say but I'd like to know if it's Mr and Mrs X, X-Y, Mr X and Ms Y etc.

I'm surprised they asked if you partner minded. Most likely it's because their partner minded.

FWIW I changed my name when I got married, but as I took on my husbands double barrel most people I've met since are surprised neither part is my name.

Original poster
Hereagainnewlogin · 15/12/2021 17:09

@foxglovesummers I found the idea of a man being annoyed about his wife not changing their name pretty shocking as well really. Had no idea about the depth of feeling around it.

One of my colleagues said that her new husband 'had a word with her' about it because they'd been married three months and she hadn't got round to changing her name (for context, one of her parents was very ill, so it's not like she wasn't busy) I had to stop myself from looking at her like this ShockShock

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 15/12/2021 17:10

@TerribleCustomerCervix

Doesn’t surprise me one bit.

I’m early thirties and my sister and I are the only women I know they’ve kept their own names after marriage.

I think a lot of the judgment from other women is from a place of insecurity. If you were so sure of your own decision to lose your birth name, you wouldn’t feel the need to second guess another women’s decision to keep hers.

I think the judgement goes both ways.
FoxgloveSummers · 15/12/2021 17:12

@lazylinguist

I've known men bitterly disappointed/angry/sulky when their fiancees don't want to take their name

Well, problem solved then - no wedding. Because who the hell wants to marry an angry, sulky man?

Well I agree @lazylinguist - run for the hills. But unfortunately I'm still not the National Wedding Monitor who has the power to cancel other people's weddings. One day.
Niconacotaco · 15/12/2021 17:13

Some people asked me the same. It's an easy response - if DH was that kind of man, I wouldn't be marrying him.

Wombat69 · 15/12/2021 17:20

I'm reminded every Christmas about this as very few people appear to have noticed I did not change my name. My DM thinks it's hugely disrespectful. My DH doesn't give af.

Twizbe · 15/12/2021 17:24

@SunshineCake1 that's true. A lot who ask me seem disappointed that I changed my name.

FoxgloveSummers · 15/12/2021 17:28

@Wombat69

I'm reminded every Christmas about this as very few people appear to have noticed I did not change my name. My DM thinks it's hugely disrespectful. My DH doesn't give af.
Disrespectful how?

Some of my distant in-laws write to "Mr and Mrs Hname", tbh I'm probably never going to meet them and it's kind of them to send cards etc so I'm not bothered. They probably don't even know my surname or maybe even a first name haha.

Likewise though some of my friends write to "Mr and Mrs Summers" because they don't know my husband's surname and/or they think it's funny.

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 15/12/2021 17:33

I think you can be a feminist but be aware of reality.
Most of the men I know would be disappointed (but would understand) if their partner didn’t take their name. It’s a tradition and symbolic. The same way many feminists still wear white /a light colour at their wedding, walk down the aisle, are given away, toss a bouquet, or are pronounced ‘man and wife’ and may feel a bit strange to change that historic and well known ritual.

DH will double barrel with me, and is happy to do so, but many many people have made surprised or even scornful comments about this, which at first made him a bit apprehensive about his decision

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 15/12/2021 17:40

In many Western countries, keeping your name after marriage is entirely usual.

In the UK it still seems to be a major transgression.

That’s my observation, anyway.

Even on MN, which is progressive and feminist, there is a huge cohort of women who will defend to the death taking their husband’s name (and always for a load of spurious reasons that men never seem to use - oddly, it’s always women who have not nice surnames they want to change, or are NC with their father so want to change it, yada, yada - while men never want to change their name for these reasons)…

Original poster
Hereagainnewlogin · 15/12/2021 17:42

@sleepyhungryfattyanddoc I am certainly feeling very unaware of reality tbh! Am not doing any of the wedding practices you mention and alongside the name thing I've also been surprised at how much people expect a 'do' and things like bridesmaids etc. Beginning to realise how little I thought about all of this before we decided to get married Blush

OP posts:
FoxgloveSummers · 15/12/2021 17:42

Most of the men I know would be disappointed (but would understand) if their partner didn’t take their name.

Well some people do feel disappointed when their incredible privileges are taken away, however ridiculous. Imagine assuming you'll get to name another adult after yourself - and thinking that's a thing you can sulk about if the other adult doesn't want to.

Obviously I know most relationships aren't abusive but whenever I see a husband has killed his wife, and she shared his name, I just think fuck me and we wonder why some husbands are so entitled. She gave up her name when they married because that's a societal expectation. Perhaps I'm not surprised some men think they own their wives.

Original poster
Hereagainnewlogin · 15/12/2021 17:46

And really I don't think of myself as 'not very traditional' - I am getting married after all! Just thought my choices wouldn't be considered unusual really - among my close friends there's been a total variety of types of weddings with no comment on what was 'right' or not - I thought that was the case for most people but apparently not.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 15/12/2021 17:51

@FoxgloveSummers

Most of the men I know would be disappointed (but would understand) if their partner didn’t take their name.

Well some people do feel disappointed when their incredible privileges are taken away, however ridiculous. Imagine assuming you'll get to name another adult after yourself - and thinking that's a thing you can sulk about if the other adult doesn't want to.

Obviously I know most relationships aren't abusive but whenever I see a husband has killed his wife, and she shared his name, I just think fuck me and we wonder why some husbands are so entitled. She gave up her name when they married because that's a societal expectation. Perhaps I'm not surprised some men think they own their wives.

How ridiculous
Opti2021 · 15/12/2021 17:55

I'm mod 30s been narried 11 years and didn't take DHs name. I still get questioned on this all the bloody time, it drives me mad!
I actually ended up changing my surname to DHs surname with my DS's school as apparently it was just soooo confusing for them that I had a different surname to DS!

Pohtaytoes · 15/12/2021 17:55

I'm nearly 50, when I got married it was just easier to take your husband's name for documentation reasons.

If I got married now no way in hell would I take his name. In fact I'm seriously contemplating changing it back legal, just wish it wasn't such a hassle. It's a really outdated tradition.

tootiredtobother · 15/12/2021 17:58

Ii tried to keep my maiden name 31 years ago, every govt establishment, bank etc made it impossible.. had a great maiden name too. have spent 31 years spelling out husbands name ffs

SweetsAndChocolates · 15/12/2021 17:59

I find this interesting, am from a 'culture' where you don't change your name.

I have had slight blips whilst travelling (once with kids, and as they have different surname-was told may need to contact other parent to ensure I wasn't abducting them 🤷‍♀️) and once as family but for some reason the person felt they had to know why I wouldn't take my husbands name 🙄

Think I'd find it a faff changing my surname and remembering I had 😂

Suprima · 15/12/2021 18:01

I’ll be taking a name and double barrelling it, genuinely because it is exotic and glamorous and sounds lovely on the tongue.

If the surname was Williams or Hancock or Dyer- I wouldn’t be.

All of my friends who have changed names have said ‘ooooh I wasn’t going to but his name was nicer!’- and no, their DH’s names definitely weren’t.