To be really surprised by this? Married surname

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So DP and I recently decided to get married. It'll be registry office and nice dinner - no big wedding, not our style. I won't be changing my name - for a number of reasons, but obviously don't care what other people do with their names. And totally understand people with children all wanting to have the same surname.

But what has really surprised me is the amount of women I know - women my age, who have asked me if DP and I have 'had the discussion about what's happening with my name' and 'will he not be annoyed that you're not taking his name' and 'omg was he disappointed you are not taking his name'. My DP does not give a toss tbh!

These are women who proclaim to be feminists. I thought part of that was not caring about what other women did with their surnames? It's so weird to me. I'm early 30s. Has anyone else found this? Honestly so surprised

I’ve almost never encountered It outside of Mn — I’m 49. None of my friends considered changing their name. None of their husbands expected them to that I’m aware of. Children have both parents’ surnames.

Until now to me it felt half and half, not that the majority of women still change their names.

Most of my close friends have not changed their names if married (and none have asked what I'm doing) and in my previous career no one changed them (journalists) - it's current colleagues, people from my wider circle, and some of my DPs friends wives who have surprised me with all of this!

It's the one issue where a surprising number of people still revert to some kind of 1950s mindset. Some men getting pissy because their partner wants to keep her own name and some women feeling sorry for men whose partner doesn't take their name. Deeply ingrained tradition.

Since my Dad died earlier this year I have been toying with the idea of bringing it back as a middle name and rearranging all of my names to accommodate it.

I actually think this would be a really worthwhile thing to do. It would say a lot about how your feminism has developed and changed with experience, and once it’s all done you’d be glad you did it.

I'm surprised. I changed mine on some things but would refer to myself as my married name. I didn't change it on my passport or back until my passport ran out and only on with the bank last year (married 10)

Still called my maiden name often at work (21years there) and lots have kept their maiden name. I live in a quiet rural area that is un bp way progressive so I am surprised people even ask.

@Echobelly

I don't think anyone asked me about name (I kept mine) and definitely no one suggested dh would be upset. It was a real non issue for us, I told DH I'd keep my name and he didn't think anything of it.

Yes I thought this was a non issue! That's what I've been most surprised by.

@Corbally

I’ve almost never encountered It outside of Mn — I’m 49. None of my friends considered changing their name. None of their husbands expected them to that I’m aware of. Children have both parents’ surnames.

That's good to hear but your circle is not the norm as the vast majority of women (I think it's around 90%) still take their husbands' names.

@Classica wow 90%!! I had no idea

I still find the majority of people take their partners last name upon marriage
Think about what is wrong with this sentence!

I went to an all girls school and in y9 the geography teacher went on a massive rant about what a PITA it is to change your name - new signature, passport, driving license etc - and since half of us would get divorced it was completely pointless. That really stuck with me. Im a feminist but at that point of my life the practicalities put me off more than the patriarchy.

I seem to be one of 2 from our class who are married and didnt take our husbands names. I really thought there would be more!

Not the slightest bit surprised. I’m coming to the conclusion that the biggest problem for women are other women. Maybe not in terms of outright violence, but certainly in terms of bullying, micro aggressions etc. And while only a very small number of men are actually violent, a surprisingly big number of women are very, very devoted to micro aggressions against women.

I was surprised when my circle of friends started to marry, how many of them took their husbands' names because it was the 'right' thing to do. It feels old fashioned to me for this to be the default, although I am not at all anti it on a case by case basis. For example a friend of mine had a cumbersome surname and a very poor relationship with her father, so choosing to change it was right for her.

I'm for everyone making the right choice for them - whether that's bride taking groom's name, groom taking bride's, everyone keeping their own, or choosing a brand new name for everyone. I'd like those choices to all have parity though and I don't think they do.

I’d ask but just out of interest rather than with any judgment or anything. I keep joking DP will take my name by default because he’s so used to saying my name when accepting parcels of stuff I’ve ordered If you’re not having a big wedding I guess there isn’t much else to make conversation about on that topic.

Writing my Christmas last night I did rather wish my friends would get married and combine names so I could save space on the envelope by writing eg Mr & Mrs Smith instead of John Smith & Jane Jones!

@TerribleCustomerCervix

Since my Dad died earlier this year I have been toying with the idea of bringing it back as a middle name and rearranging all of my names to accommodate it.

I actually think this would be a really worthwhile thing to do. It would say a lot about how your feminism has developed and changed with experience, and once it’s all done you’d be glad you did it.

Thanks.

I am trying to work out how to go about it. The legalities etc. If anyone knows or can give me pointers, or discuss their experiences I would be very interested.

I've googled a reasonable amount, but information is mixed and there are rogue websites.

If I go ahead with it, does the government's "tell us once" service cover this sort of thing too? We used it when I registered my Dad's death and to be fair, it was pretty useful. I just don't know whether it does other things too.

@gogohm

No judgement on you but I would change my name. I currently use my ex's name though so perhaps that makes a difference

Same here. Wish I'd never changed it in the first place as it is such a faff tbh!

Amongst my friends I've known people to change to their husbands, a husband to change to a wife, double barrelling and amalgamating the names. So I do ask but definitely no judgement.

(I took my husbands name. I don genuinely prefer it. My birth surname is one of the top 10 UK names and DHs is pretty rare and cool)

It’s about 50/50 in my social circle, so I got asked, but in a ‘are you going to do X or Y’ way, not in a leading way.

I’m surprised that people would be surprised, but not that it would come up - IMO it’s akin to ‘are you getting married in a church or a registry office’ sort of chatter you have with someone after they get engaged.

I’m not surprised you’ve had this. I got loads of questioning from people about why I wasn’t changing my name. Loads from my family, and the in laws just refer to me as their surname. (Grates a little but not the hill I’m going to die on). DH wasn’t happy about my decision though which I guess made people question more maybe? but he did accept it was my decision.

All round I was pretty horrified with the sexism everywhere!

The majority of my friends have kept their names, some have combined.
I think it's a personal choice and don't judge.
The most important thing is to actually think about it before you change. It is a big dicision.
When I got married my younger sister in law expressed surprise at me keeping my name and said "I never even thought about not changing my name, I just did it because it's what every woman does"
She was puzzled by it.
Years later she remains puzzled about it (and indeed anything remotely non comformist)!

If in professional careers I've found most women I know didn't change their names on marriage.

@Dollywilde

It’s about 50/50 in my social circle, so I got asked, but in a ‘are you going to do X or Y’ way, not in a leading way.

I’m surprised that people would be surprised, but not that it would come up - IMO it’s akin to ‘are you getting married in a church or a registry office’ sort of chatter you have with someone after they get engaged.

Gosh, I don’t think it’s anything like ‘church or register office’, more like ‘So, are you planning to perpetuate a sexist, patriarchal tradition or not?’

I kept my surname because I wanted to and because I live in a country where you have to. I was really surprised at how many British friends questioned this and even thought that brides changed their names worldwide which is not true at all!

I'm surprised so many people asked you. Not one of my family/friends/colleagues/acquaintances even mentioned it when DH and I were getting married. As it happens I did change my name to DH's due to negative associations I had with my own family name, but I wouldn't consider it anyone else's business what I'd decided to do or why.

@Itsanewdah

Not the slightest bit surprised. I’m coming to the conclusion that the biggest problem for women are other women. Maybe not in terms of outright violence, but certainly in terms of bullying, micro aggressions etc. And while only a very small number of men are actually violent, a surprisingly big number of women are very, very devoted to micro aggressions against women.

I absolutely agree with this. There are many women who try and keep other women in line.

I'm surprised at the number of posters referring to "maiden name"

Why are you, to paraphrase, "perpetuating a sexist, patriarchal tradition"?

It's "birth name" or just "my name".