Feminism: chat
Dd shown Porn in school, help needed.
RowanAspenOak · 13/09/2021 11:41
My dd is 16. (Am regular poster in FWR but have name changed to protect my dd.). She is very unhappy at school, there are a few reasons, but last night she was very upset and literally shaking with stress, and she said “it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff “ . We talked more and then she told me that pre lockdown (she hasn’t been on the bus since then) boys on the bus would watch porn, showing it openly, pass it around, show the girls, some of whom laughed it off ( dd thinks in a wanting to look cool in front of the boys way). Some boys would deliberately show stuff to dd, a very overweight woman having sex, who they all mocked in disgust, other clips including extreme animal cruelty which she has had nightmares about since.
In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff”. Dd is a year younger, I think this partly fuelled this boy. His mother is a solicitor! I actually think he may be the new head boy, i need to check.
Had she told me at the time I think I would have gone to the police. I have a younger dd who I obviously want to protect too.
She is really distressed. I asked why she didn’t tell me at the time, and she said partly because it was so constant and normalised, I also think partly because she knew I would go to the school and she was frightened of being bullied more.
So I need to talk to the school, obviously. Could I ask for any thoughts or advice ? Surely it is a safeguarding issue with such young children on the bus ? No adult woman would put up with this at work, yet really young girls are having to deal with this on the bus and in school itself. Is this a local authority issue, a governers issue, I am not sure where to start.
I should say I really like the school, they have been very supportive over the years, have tried their hardest through the nightmare of the pandemic, and they have great teaching staff. They have a female head who is excellent. I am just not sure how to tackle it as it isn’t just one boy, it is loads of the boys. A friend’s seemingly nice son was one of the boys passing round the extreme animal torture.
Any advice welcome.
SirSamuelVimes · 13/09/2021 11:44
This is quite literally what the Ofsted review into sexual harassment in schools is describing. Schools have been told to assume it is happening even without reports so they should have started making plans for how-to deal with this. It is absolutely a Safeguarding issue and they must deal with it.
Contact the school and ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead. Tell him/her exactly what you've said here. If they attempt to brush it off raise the Ofsted review.
wiltonism · 13/09/2021 11:46
christ. Did not want to read and run.
I think after Everyone's Invited and #metoo there is no way that school can ignore this. And I met a couple of amazing girls recently who had set up groups to deal with this and rape culture in their own school and had been working with the head to deliver PHSE about this to younger years.
BUT this is a long battle, and it will get worse before it gets better. In your shoes I would think about moving. At 16, does this mean she has just started A Levels? Are there options? Get out and start again somewhere better, she must have be close to having PTSD. And perhaps look at counselling.
Also, the 'nice boys' so often are individually, and dealing with mothers who would not believe this of their children is often the hardest part (I lknow this from other stuff I do).
Big hugs to your dd.
Hungry675tf · 13/09/2021 11:50
Similar happened on our school bus as kids. School took it VERY seriously and the ring leader was expelled. Part of their reasoning was that the kids were doing this whilst in uniform and so bringing the school into disrepute.
Please do report it to the school 
Hungry675tf · 13/09/2021 11:53
Also please don't be put off reporting due to concerns about the impact on the boys/your friendships.
They need to understand now that actions have consequences. As the mum of a DS, I would be FURIOUS to find out he was doing something like this and would expect him to feel the full force of the consequences. Otherwise how do they learn this isn't ok??
Lindy2 · 13/09/2021 12:01
Report it to the school. This is not acceptable.
Is the bus public transport or a specific school transport bus? Either way report it to the bus company. They must also have rules in place regarding obscene behaviour while using their buses. The offenders will hopefully be banned from using the bus.
RowanAspenOak · 13/09/2021 12:12
She has just started upper sixth (she is 16 , a year younger than her class age) so moving her not an option really now, with under three terms to go, and university applications looming.
I feel tearful reading the kind responses, I am so shocked by it all. She seems battle weary and miserable, she says she just wants to be with people who are nice to each other. Her friendship group has collapsed as she said that she wanted all female single sex spaces and her then friend accused her of contributing to the suicides of transwomen. This was three weeks after a very close family member had died from suicide. So there is that going on too, and I thought that was the main problem, but she has been hinting for a while that the boys in school are horrible. She has had a lot of low level bullying on and off, nasty comments about her appearance ( she is a tall, slender beauty, now convinced that she is hideous), but this is so much worse. She was crying about the boys mocking the overweight woman, it is all so brutal and awful.
RowanAspenOak · 13/09/2021 12:17
It is a school specific bus, but run by a company. I think the LA are responsible for the buses. I will check the situation. She has always hated the bus and I thought it was because one boy used to kick and punch the back of her seat hard enough to hurt her back (I reported that) but now I know it is because of this. Usually she is driven to school as both dds hate the bus so much but there are times when they have to use it.
ComDummings · 13/09/2021 12:18
I’d report to Ofsted as a PP says they have a review regarding sexual assault and harassment in schools right now. I would also contact the police about the porn thing, it’s sexual assault to show someone pornography without their consent I am sure. I’d also be wanting to speak to the head teacher as soon as possible about the culture of bullying, your poor DD.
ComDummings · 13/09/2021 12:19
@RowanAspenOak
In that case a complaint to both the bus company and the council would be appropriate. It’s awful that your DD has to put up with this shit.
RowanAspenOak · 13/09/2021 12:44
She is normally the daughter most likely to open up and tell me things that have upset her, but she is coming out with it all now because she has to go back into school . She was isolating last week so today is her first day. She was awake until two this morning panicked about having to face it all again. She is extremely academic and yet wants to leave school as she hates the behaviour so much.
Franca123 · 13/09/2021 12:46
As the mother of the son I would want to know what was happening so that I could give him a piece of my mind. I like to imagine that the school would hold an assembly where they lay the law down to them and inform them that further occurrences will result in expulsion. Appalling that anyone has to put up with that.
AnUnlikelyCombination · 13/09/2021 12:50
That sounds awful - poor her. No wonder she hates the bus.
This may be a non starter, but if she’s the right age for Y12, could she start again elsewhere? Sounds like a very academic girls school would suit her if you could access one locally. She could meet some new friends in a safe, single sex environment and then go to uni at the ‘right’ age, which might make things easier?
Remoteso · 13/09/2021 12:51
Your poor DD. I hope you can get your complaints heard and listened to.
As a pp said, surely schools know this goes on. What have they done to preempt it? If nothing, why not. Shouldn't have to wait for some brave soul to have gone through this and raise complaints.
Dreading my DC getting older 
RowanAspenOak · 13/09/2021 12:53
@Franca123
It was something they had found online I think, involving farm animals. One of those awful things things you can never forget once exposed to it. My poor dd.
Mia85 · 13/09/2021 12:56
I think technically it only applies to England but you might find it helpful to look at the Ofsted report www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges#fn:1
and Govt guidance on what schools should do assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1014224/Sexual_violence_and_sexual_harassment_between_children_in_schools_and_colleges.pdf (sorry don't know detail on Wales)
AlexaShutUp · 13/09/2021 12:57
I'm so sorry that your daughter is having to deal with this, OP. It sounds vile and she should not have to face this kind of harassment. I hope that the school's response is adequate, that the perpetrators are dealt with swiftly and effectively and that your dd is able to access the support that she needs.
FWIW, my dd reported a pattern of ongoing racist and homophobic abuse at her school last year - not directed at her, but she was frustrated by the culture of abuse that she was witnessing which involved quite a large group of boys who thought they were untouchable. The school took her report and accompanying evidence very seriously and their response was quick and effective. So it is worth raising these things and decent schools will definitely want to address them. However, it can be very difficult for kids to come forward. My dd is socially very confident and has a wide circle of friends, so she wasn't afraid of being targeted by the bullies herself. Sadly, so many other kids just put up with it for fear of making a bad situation worse. It's hideous.
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