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Original poster

if I didn't have children I would kill myself today

45 replies

memoo · 29/06/2010 11:50

feel like a big lump of useless shit.

don't want to be here a minute longer

every day is so long and painful i just can't bare it any longer

the only thing that stops me from killing myself is the pain it would cause my children and can't bare to hurt them. Love them more than anything

OP posts:
weepootle · 29/06/2010 11:52

memoo, sorry you're feeling like this. Does anyone in RL know how you feel?

NoahAndTheWhale · 29/06/2010 11:52

Couldn't see this and not post.

Is there anyone who can be with you today? Try and remember it is the depression talking not you but I do know how horrible it can be .

You will make it through this day. And then you will make it through tomorrow. Think little steps at the moment.

honeynutloops · 29/06/2010 11:56

Sorry you are feeling like this - it is something specific that has triggered your feelings? (sorry do not now your history)

Do you have anyone who can be with you in RL?

As Noah said Little Steps.

Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 11:56

I am being treated for depression. have meds coming out if my ears. doesn't stop the pain though. Everybody seems to think i should be feeling better now, and I did for a while, but seem to have crashed again,

There is nobody who can be here. DH is fab but he really can't come home from work today

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 11:57

I will keep thinking little steps. trying to tell meself that tomorrow will be better but today feels like it is never going to be over unless I do something to make it end

OP posts:
honeynutloops · 29/06/2010 11:57

How old are your children? Will your Dh be back later today?

4kidsandcounting · 29/06/2010 11:58

Please try to speak to someone about how you are feeling.It would really help to let it all out with someone you can trust.I know its hard but bottling everything up doesnt help you must try to talk about this.Sending a BIG HUGE HUG

Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 12:01

My children are 11, 9 and 9 months. DH will be home at 3.

Have already spole to people about it but feel like I'm just getting on everyone nerves now. it feels like now I have medication and have had support people expect me to be better. I think even my DH is probably sick to death of listening to me going on about how crap I feel

OP posts:
NoahAndTheWhale · 29/06/2010 12:02

I have read some of your past threads and so have a bit of an idea of your history.

One thing I will say is that it is OK to not feel great, even if you feel that others think you should be better by now.

I think you have three children - are two at school? And a smallish sized baby? The baby won't mind what you do - can you go out for a bit maybe? Just do some walking round with baby in the buggy? And have you eaten anything?

I am asking too many questions I think.

4kidsandcounting · 29/06/2010 12:02

Just read your other comments after i had posted,could you call your dh at work for a quick chat or could he get away from work abit earlier to see you as i think you need someone with you today.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 29/06/2010 12:03

memoo I'm sorry you are feeling so low today Have you been feeling like this for sometime? If you have a mental health worker or CPN you really should try giving them a call and let them know how you are feeling.

It really may help to talk to someone in RL and they may be able to offer you some/more support.

Take care and as Noah says one step at time. Look after yourself, take care to eat and drink if you can face it, and keep talking on here if you find it helps.

NoahAndTheWhale · 29/06/2010 12:04

You are not getting on everyone's nerves. That is the depression talking. Yes people want you to feel better because having depression is horrible.

Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 12:05

Have spoke to DH bt he really can't come home today. Has a really big meeting and has already lost lots of days at work.

You don't ask too many questions Noah, although I am very impressed by your memory.

I really can't go out today. I can't get myself together enough and feel safer indoors.

OP posts:
cornsilk5793 · 29/06/2010 12:05

so sorry to hear you're feeling so down memoo
don't know your history but have seen your name on MN before
can you get out for a little walk? Is there anyone else who can come round for a bit?

honeynutloops · 29/06/2010 12:06

You will not be getting on anyones nerves by talking about how you feel - that is what friends are for. And you can certainly talk all you need to on here.

If you older two children are at school than can you take the little one for a walk or something - it is a beautiful day again.

And your dh will be home at 3pm - not long especially if you break it up into chunks of time and make sure that you try to do something in each chunk iykwim.
Sending you an unmumsnetty hug!

Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 12:07

I do have a CPN but hate phoning them. Have an appointment with consultant psychiatrist next week to see how I'm getting on. Know I need my meds adjusting as they're not working.

Just overwhelmed by these feelings of not wanting to be here. I really can't stand it

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 12:07

thanks for the hugs. Have to go and feed DD. Will be back in a little while

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 29/06/2010 12:10

You need to phone. NOW There are people there to help you, and if you are feeling suicidal, then that's definitely something they will want to know about.

cornsilk5793 · 29/06/2010 12:14

They are there to help you - you need to phone them.

sethstarkaddersmum · 29/06/2010 12:16

hugs Memoo.
you love your children and that makes you wonderful & special & worthwhile.

Lulumaam · 29/06/2010 12:18

hi memoo.. you must phone them

it is a long hard road to being better, and there will be days like this, but eventually they will get fewer and further between

call teh CPN, they're there for you for precisely this situation

you want some help, you've posted on here, so go and make that call

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 29/06/2010 12:19

Do phone your CPN, that's what they are there for. They need to know how low you are feeling, it's at times like this that you need their support.

GetDownYouWillFall · 29/06/2010 12:33

Oh memoo!! Poor you

Last time I went downhill I didn't ring my CPN. Told her about it later and she said she was worried I was "disengaging"

They are there to help, but I do understand that sometimes they are the last people you want to talk to.

What meds are you on...

Did you get admitted in the end or are you being managed at home?

Original poster
memoo · 29/06/2010 12:54

Getdown, I was admitted but they couldn't for a short time but they couldn't get me a place on mother and baby unit so ended up back home with twice daily visits from home managment team.

I'm on vanlafaxine, trifluoperazine and zopiclone at night. They seemed to be working at first and I was definately improving but started going down hill the last week or so.

I know I really do need to help myself by phoning the CPN. Think I will wait for DH to get home first as its hard to talk with DD

OP posts:
laurasarah · 29/06/2010 13:22

Oh no memoo

Talk to us and keep talking to us.

Everybody here wants to help you.

You will get through this, we promise, hang on in there and it wont be long before DH is home

Trying distracting yourself from your thoughts. A walk would be good but if not find something in the house that you can do to take your mind off your thoughts. I know its hard and we've all been there

If I were with you I would give you lots of cuddles. Do you have any close friends you could call to come over and keep you company for a while?