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Original poster

sorry everyone

60 replies

willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 15:54

don't think I can post much/offer much support right now.

I'm empty

nothing to offer

difficult at home

OP posts:
kizzie · 16/06/2010 19:11

what time is the appointment tomorrow?
Would it help to go through some of the questions/ points you want to go through tonight?

kizzie · 16/06/2010 19:23

will survive - im really sorry but i need to go out now and wont have access to MN for rest of evening.
I hope it goes ok tomorrow and will be thinking of you.
I'll check in to see how you are afterwards x

Nemofish · 16/06/2010 19:46

Will be checking tomorrow too.

Hope it isn't as bad as you think it will be.

Dh used to pick me up after counselling with a greggs sarnie, diet coke and a choc muffin in the car. He would then go '... er how did it go then?' then listen as I either waffled on or burst into tears. I remember lots of hugs.

hugs

Don't tell anyone I did that, okay?

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 16/06/2010 20:38

Thanks both - Kizie don't worry

Don't think I can explain it on here. complicated family stuff related to the abuse .

I'm jsut really jittery - was shaking while cooking and feel restless. Worried about sleep which is crummy anyway rigth now.

Keeping busy.

OP posts:
lelarose · 17/06/2010 08:54

Just wanted to say good luck today and wish you all the best. You are clearly a very strong kind hearted lady and as you know sometimes the darkest hours are just before the dawn x

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 17/06/2010 12:11

Thanks Lelarose

it was worse than I imagined

don't know what to do right now

how much more I can take

OP posts:
kizzie · 17/06/2010 17:38

will survive - how have you coped this afternoon. Hope things a bit calmer now. Im sorry it was so hard today xx

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 17/06/2010 17:44

not doing good

OP posts:
kizzie · 17/06/2010 18:06

i can stay logged on for a while - do you want to talk through it?

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 17/06/2010 21:10

Sorry Kizzie had to go out for a bit - had promised to babysit.

Bit calmer now. But the grief and pain are so overwhelming. The feelings of loneliness and isolation very strong.

Counsellor actually checked that I wasn't planning to anything stupid as I was so overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Original poster
willsurvivethis · 18/06/2010 09:48

anyone any ideas how to get through the day?

feel so rubbish and so totally alone

been bright for ds who's now at nursery for the day. Been there for dh as it's his mum's first anniversary.

But so totally dead inside. What do I do.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 18/06/2010 10:03

Can you set yourself a task for the day, to divert your feelings?

Is there any exercise you could do?

scurryfunge · 18/06/2010 12:27

How are you feeling willsurvivethis?

toccatanfudge · 18/06/2010 12:30

oh willsurvive - I totally missed this -so sorry you're feeling so shite

You know I'm not too far away from you if you want to come over, don't have to talk about anything if you don't want we can just drink coffee.......would offer to come over to you but I don't drive

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 18/06/2010 12:39

toccata I would in a flash (albeit sans my sunbeam who's at nursery) but bloody car has broken alternator - hoping it will limp to dealer tomorrow morning - it wouldn't make your neck of woods.

scurry thank you.

I had appointment with my pedicure lady which i didn't really enjoy but distracted me for an hour.

Battling some really bad feelings. DH came home from work upset as his stupid boss said something upsetting that could have waited on the first anniversary of MIL. So dh totally down and withdrawn now - and poor man has to go conduct funeral in half an hour.

I got angry and emotional and didn't stop when he told me he didn't want to talk.

So cr8p wife as well. What's the point. I'm on my own with this and don't know how to get through.

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 18/06/2010 12:46

oh how shite about the car. Well once it's sorted - offer still stands

You're not a crap wife, it's a bad day for both of you, even in the the most "perfect" relationship in the world when both parties are down it's almost inevitable (imo) that there's going to be some upset and trodden on toes.

Poor him having do a funeral today of all days, guess that's the bad part of his vocation .

You WILL get through this, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 18/06/2010 12:51

I'm remembering too much now

Remembering standing outside school after the first time my teacher raped me. He had been touching me for a while, he made me feel that it was my fault and bad. I was confused and now he used force too and it hurt so much. I was so confused what it all meant. The whole world stopped making sense. I couldn't tell mum and dad as they would be disgusted and stop loving me. I knew from now on I was totally alone. I had to do it on my own. I was 8.

And that feeling is here all the time now. My friends are so far away I can't reach them. I'm floating in nothing, no anchor, don't belong anywhere.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 18/06/2010 13:02

Have you had any EMDR therapy?

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 18/06/2010 13:20

scurry no I haven't had EMDR - I'm having 'normal' counselling which is working well that's why all the stuff is coming back after having been buried for 25 years.

Don't feel this is the time for EMDR. Feel I need to remember and go through it. Just need to keep looking for a way out of that bloody tunnel.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 18/06/2010 13:35

EMDR doesn't make you forget, it helps to reprocess the memories so that they are not so disturbing.Glad that the counselling is working for you though.

kizzie · 18/06/2010 15:10

Sorry its all so difficult for you .

I think the only way to get through the day is to literally take it a step at a time.
And a bit like with depression just do things to use up time. So like your manicure - you wont enjoy it - but it just passes an hour.

Eventually that will pass and slowly you will start to 'feel' again and have some moments of feeling at ease and in time start to feel joy/enjoyment again.

thinking of you xxx

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 18/06/2010 19:39

Have texted a friend to say I'm fighting bad thoughts. Don't like being like this. Scared. what else is going to happen?

OP posts:
Keziahhopes · 18/06/2010 21:21

Hi - texting friend sounds good idea. Counselling sometimes makes things tough, dealing with memories. It is hard to separate (I find) the past from the present - so can you focus on doing things in the here and now, to remind you of happy times - like seeing people etc.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 18/06/2010 22:29

been watching some dvd with dh, well hardly watched it as could not concentrate but good to be together.

Friend text to ask what he could do to help but I haven't got a clue. Not sure there's anything anyone can do.

OP posts:
Nemofish · 19/06/2010 15:19

Wish I had some magic words of wisdom, but I think that all the bad shit just has to be processed, it just takes time.

I would suggest cuddles and chocolate, as thats what works for me.

Thinking of you though.