Anyone got experience of Crack cocaine? please help.

[dillpickle]

Hi, don't know if I've put this in the right category but didn't seem to fit anywhere else. I found out just before Easter (and by accident) that my husband had been doing crack for 6 months. To say I was shocked is an understatement; we have been together for nearly 20 years and I thought I knew him. He is the most down-to-earth sensible man around. I thought he was having an affair but was doing that instead. He now swears he is not using and has stopped all by himself but the more I learn about crack the more I worry! He is very depressed and a shadow of his former self. I can't tell anyone and don't trust him anymore. We have three children and they are my main priority. Can people give up crack just like that and without help? Can anyone help? Feel a bit lost to be honest.

Hi Monty. No he hasn't yet. He has been in contact (by text) quite a few times saying he would be home in half an hour etc etc but that was at 12.30pm and its now,oh, 7.30pm. He answered the phone once when my dd rang and said he'd be home in a few mins; that was at 2.30. She had been so pleased as well. His best friend managed to get in touch at 3pm and he told him he was on his way home. He has clearly lost his mind.

dill, I am so very sorry you are going through this . How do you think you will proceed from here?

He sounds very deeply embroiled in his addiction and not ready or willing to confront it. I think you have to start thinking about how you are going to go forward from here.

Dill - omg. This is horrible for you and dc's. WTF are you going to do? You need support Dill, stop covering up for him. I wish there was something I could do.
Does he have work tomorrow?? Do you have work tomorrow?

Oh Dill

Thinking of you and around if you want to talk.

Dill, following your story with sadness.

I too would be furious but you're probably going to run through a whole gamut of emotions.

I do think you need to separate your lives but do you have to be the one to leave? Your kids (esp if you have a SN DS) need continuity, can you text him to say that you've taken some of his things to a nearby friend / relative / B&B / rehab centre and he is not to come home? change the locks if required.

thinking of what another poster said, if you did leave the house you're running the risk that he could trash it or fill it with undesirables.

Why should you be the one to go through further hardship?

You might need to notify police perhaps just to check where you stand of locking your DH out of the family home, I don't know.

thinking of you

Dill - don't uproot you and dc's. Tell him to go and stay somewhere.

ok. he came back last night at 11pm. He looked awful, was in the same clothes and has apparently been sleeping in his van. He swears on our lives that he hasn't been using and still maintains that he stopped when I first found out. I asked him how could he just give up like that and he said that he would often have several weeks inbetween using. Plus he hasn't been unfaithful. But he is very ill and said he just wants to be left alone. Don't shout at me everyone but my gut reaction is that he is telling the truth. However, I told him that he is to move out and get professional help for his depression. He has agreed to this. He will probably live with his mum (she lives a stone throw away) so that the children can see him. I told him that I don't know if there's a future with the two of us. I told him that I at the moment I hate him. He just looked broken.

Dill - this must be so hard. You obviously care for him very much. I think in terms of creating some distance you're doing the right thing. Maybe it's true that he doesn't use all the time, perhaps that's why you've only just found out. Is he going to see his gp? Will he talk to his mother?

He is still using

you've done the right thing Dill, whether or not he's still using, you and the kids need to get on with things without worrying if or when he's going to be home and what kind of state he'll be in.

Yes exactly scruffy. I feel like he's telling the truth but I don't trust him at all and wouldn't be surprised if I found out otherwise. He is sound asleep at the moment but is gonna talk to his mother about staying there and see his gp. He has also told his employer that he is depressed and they were good. So at least he is kinda admitting it although I would be devastated if I find out he is using the depression story to cover the crack! Not everything adds up yet so I guess time will tell. I don't know what I'd have done without being able to talk to you guys these last few days!

My brother was a heroin and crack addict and is now clean but he said crack was far harder to stop so I would think he is either lying and needs help to really stop or is suffering horrendous withdrawal/comedown from stopping too quickly

If he is depressed, where has been for the weekend?

I would believe the worst (addiction) and if it is not the case, then you can be pleasantly suprised

Darrell is right he is probably still using.Once my db really stopped he didn't do the disappearing etc anymore

Dill, I know you don't want it to be true, but he is still using.

You need to get him out of your life or you could potentially lose your kids for staying with him.

And if he is using, which it really really really really sounds like he is, the crack is higher on his list of priorities than you and his children.
He would sell the lot of you if he could
And you need to get your children out of this situation

DO NOT BELIEVE HIM

Both my BIL were drug addicts.
SIL still is.

She is in total denial.

Both BILs denied it for years, until one ended up in prison (held up a post office to fuel his habit) and this shocked him into stopping drugs. Before this, he didn't even admit he took them.

2nd BIL denied he had a problem, almost died TWICE, went into hospital, lost 6 stone in a few months. Still denied he had a problem, said all the doctors were lying, still drank and took drugs.
His mum moved him out of his druggie circle and carted him off to her house in the boondocks. He was unable to get drink or drugs. He crawled out of her house and tried to hitch hike to the local town to buy drugs. Collapsed...was taken to hospital. The doctor told him it was the last time he would get treated there and if he went unconcious again they wouldn't recussitate him. My niece burst into tears at that point (she is 12) and THEN finally, after 30 years of drug taking my BIL realised he was trashing his kid's lives and his own.
He has now given up.

The thing is
an addict has to admit they are addicted
they have to want to give up

No one else, not wife, mother, child, doctor can tell them this, because they won't believe it. It is awful, but you have to stand and watch and hope they realise it. Or, you get out.

It's really depressing, my SIL still hasn't stopped and her kids live with her mohter as she can't look after them. It is unpleasant.

I hope your DH admits he has a problem and wants to stop.

Oh, dill. My gut reaction, having known many addicts, is that he is still using. People who take drugs stay away for days and nights and lead chaotic, selfish lifestyles with no thought to their families or how worried they may be. People who don't take drugs generally don't do these things (unless they are chronic alcoholics, perhaps, or have exremely serious mental health problems).

I'm sorry, I just wouldn't take anything he says at face value.

Hey Dill

Sorry, another sceptic here I'm afraid.

You are right to get him to move out. You and your DC deserve to be safe and that isn't going to happen with him still there. You are NOT responsible for 'curing' him or helping him. Your No 1 priority has to be to yourself and your DC. He has proven with his behaviour that you are not at the moment and (whatever the reasons behind his behaviour) he needs to work on proving to you that he can be trusted.

Addiction is a horrible thing for all involved. Please contact a drug agency, they have the experience to know what you should be looking out for and IME they really helped me to see that I wasn't being unreasonable, addicts tell a LOT of lies and it is so hard to see the truth when you desperately don't want the situation to be as it is.

Take care

Thanks for checking in, dill.

I'm really glad you've asked him to leave. Is he out now? This must be exhausting and awful for you, but you're right that even if he's not using, if he's so depressed that he's walking out for days on end and leaving his wife and children to wonder if he's dead, then he can't be around you until he's starting to fix things.

Please stay strong about this. You keeping him to the conditions you've laid down is his best chance of survival.

had months and months of lies from our DS which made me realise that you can't EVER believe what addicts say, even when they are lovely people (or were once). Mine would look me in the eye and say 'You KNOW you can trust me not to take drugs' when I knew absolutely that he was taking them, the evidence of text/email/facebook was overwhelming.

It's SO hard to accept that they are using but you need to. When he accepts he needs help you are on your way. HUGS.

I've told my DS I will listen to his words but will take most notice of his actions. He hates this but it is, I think, the right way forward.

Dill - I will try and come back to this later but have a really busy day today and tomorrow. I've also been through similar over the last two years, discovering my DP was using heroin - like you I didn't have a clue.

I am very nearly out the other side.

If there is anything I can talk to you about or help with please get in touch - [email protected].

You have done the right thing asking him to leave - you can't help him with this without surrendering your own wellbeing (believe me, I know) and your doing that won't make him stop anyway.

Addicts are consummate liars and expert manipulators, and while it is hideous to watch, the fact is that nothing will change unless he makes the decision to change it. You literally can't do anything but make sure you keep your own head up and your children well.

Don't let him drag you down.

I'm going to link a couple of threads for you - Colditz did this for me so her links might be on these too.

the start of it

more

some more

and more

last one I think