Please, please help me

[HypotheticalMummy]

I need help. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, and for the first couple of weeks I was thrilled but suddenly depression has started to creep in and destroy everything. I have started to feel like I don't love my DP, and I don't want this baby and that I want to die - that I just want to kill myself. I am desperate and I am in pain and I need help.

Please can anyone tell me if they went through something similar in their pregnancy and got over it? Or should I start thinking about an abortion. I wanted this baby so much, it was planned, so I hope this is just the depression.

I have a history of depression and had to come off my antidepressants when we started trying for a baby. Please help me.

Please don't make any decisions yet regarding your pregnancy. You need to make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you are feeling. You are not alone.

Sorry, I have no personal experience with depression, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Thank you.

I got depressed during PG, GP wasn't much use, but hospital doing my antenatal care were fantastic, arranged for me to see a psych who put me on Prozac. Speak to your GP about how you are feeling. For obvious reasons doctors are very careful indeed about putting PG women on any medication, sometimes it's appropriate though.

Ante-natal depression is well known.

talk to GP/OB/MW about this.

It can be treated, and heped in so many ways - medication or therapy.

You're not odd for feeling the way you feel, a lot of people go through depression in pregnancy. It's horrible because you're "supposed" to feel happy so you beat yourself up even more.

Please get to a GP they will look after you and support you. Don't make any decisions. Remember that when you weren't depressed you wanted this baby - trust yourself, you chose this. Rely on her.

There are antidepressants you can take in pregnancy that are safe.

Pregnancy is a time of enormous change and that can come with enormous lows. You're normal and need support.

It's going to be ok. Keep posting.

I just can't help but wonder if its because i really don't want this baby. Which is just destroying me. Thank you for all your kind words. I just feel so desperate.

HM, did you want this baby when you weren't depressed?

Oh thank you, YouKnow.

Yes I did want the baby. More than anything. Sorry - I keep forgetting to refresh. Thats why my posts are behind.

HM - I really do understand your fear that this is happening bcs you don't want this baby, but, as everyone has said, the feeling you have is much more common than you think.

The best thing would be to get yourself into a position where you can really look at your feelings without panic and fear - and that's got to start with your GP, followed by therapy and/or ADs.

The hugely likely scenario, given the fact that you'd planned the baby, is that you are happy to be pregnant, but are momentarily overwhelmed because of a previously existing tendency to anxiety and depression.

Huge good wishes.

It could well be related to your hormones, and no, it doesn't mean you don't want the baby, perhaps it is a kind of weird comedown after wanting it for so long...whatever it is it's quite normal, i mean it's not unusual.

Take some time out and try and consider it rationally...can you physically, financially etc cope with a baby? Have you felt like this about DP before? Is he being supportive?

I would guess this will go away by itself or with a bit of help from GP or counsellor.

That's ok

So, you made this decision rationally and with no pressure? That means you made the decision that you wanted.

So... depression is (what's the word?) cruel. It makes us question the things we love the most. It makes us hate ourselves and doubt our choices.

Pregnancy does that too (even without depression) it changes our lives and complicates EVERYTHING. But in a good way

Trust that you made this decision when you were well. Don't listen to the doubts for now. If you were happy and even and doubting then it would warrant questioning, but you're feeling depressed. This is the depression talking.

What are your doubts? Maybe we can help.

I doubt that I will be able to develop a career which is in its very early stages. I was sure I could before, but now I feel like I was a fool.

I feel like I might not be able to live with my DP for the rest of my life - it was never something which I felt I had to consider before.

I resent that this baby will take away my independence, and the fact that I feel something so awful makes me hate myself so much.

I'm scared and I worry that people will judge me for having a baby. I don't know why. I'm 25 and I feel like people will think im too young. Why did I want this so much?

Firstly I will say that most of those questions will be answered when you first hold your baby. And I can't explain that, but it's true.

Your career will suffer as much as you choose to let it. There are plenty of childcare options available (maybe look into them and get your name down now to feel more confident about this). Maybe consider some alternatives. Careers can adapt (if you want them to). You can't know what your priority will be after DC is born, so get your name on a nursery waiting-list and plan as best you can.

DP again, try not to think so big. Reduce forever to a year or two. Can you see that? Are there things you might want to fix? Could you go into marriage counselling just to tweak the problems?

At the end of the day no one knows what will happen. This could bring you together or push you apart, but you can do things to improve communication and give yourselves the best chance.

You will lost independence, but you don't have to lose your life. Make plans to have things just for you (not when baby is newborn but later). You may lose independence but you may gain a sense of purpose and confidence that you have never felt. Have a think about what you may gain.

And as for judging! It sounds to me like the perfect age. You are young enough to have lots of energy and old enough to do this well I think you have started at the right time. I really do.

And sometimes wanting something because it feels right is reason enough (why else would we put up with men? )

Anything else?

I think I love you YouKnow. I just feel like all these feelings are so abhorrent and vile that I can't say them out loud. I hate myself. I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I just wish I could fall apart for a bit. I know it sounds as if I already have but I am continuing to function. It won't happen though. You can't let go of life.

HM I think you would be really surprised by how many women feel the same!

They're all normal fears. I've felt them.

Pregnancy is such an odd thing. If you tell anyone that you are anything less than thrilled you feel like a monster. But actually fears and anxiety relate to pregnancy as they do to any big change, you just feel you can't talk about them.

Moving house? Might hate the new neighbourhood, too far from friends, commute might be longer etc

Changing jobs? Will it improve my career or slow it down? Will they like me? Will I love it or hate it?

Ne relationship? Will it last? Can he be trusted? Do we share values? Hobbies? Free time? Attraction?

It seems like only pregnancy is the one you're supposed to say:-

"I'm just so happy and certain about EVERYTHING" because if you don't that means you MUST hate your baby. But it doesn't mean that at all! It means you are planning and that you care and that you want everything to be right for your baby. It means you are already being the best parent you can be.

And a new job on top of that?!

I think one of the biggest mistakes I made was listening to a new GP who didn't know me as well as I did. I have been on antidepressants since my early teens, any attempt I have made to come off them has ended in more than tears and one doctor tells me i have to come off them but it will be fine because I'll be so thrilled to be pregnant and I come off my pills without a second thought. In some ways I feel like its asking a diabetic to forget about their insulin. I wanted to do what was in the best interest of my child, but I don't think me feeling this way can be good for my baby.

I should also say that I am very thankful to everyone who has taken the time to post.

I was in tears, and dissolving into utter panic and desperation and now I feel almost in control.

HM most GPs are very aware of depression in pregnancy. I'm at your GP, how naive. Depression is a medical imbalance that won't be cured by the mythical "blissful glow of pregnancy". Go to someone else. Don't take no for an answer. There are ADs that can be used in pregnancy and it sounds like you need to have them discussed with you.

Try to stop worrying so much about what is expected and let yourself feel what you are feeling. Take it a day at a time. If you can focus on the positives of a new baby then do, if you can't then try to prepare with practicalities. You sound like a very capable person.

You're doing brilliantly. Just keep going. Stop putting such pressure on yourself to be happy, just try to be for a while.

And do what shiney said (I only spotted this in active convos too)

Do I start a new thread - or am I able to transfer this somehow?

I think sometimes people forget you are still a person when you become pregnant, and start thinking of you as nothing but a vessel.

Everyone has been so kind, thank you. It helps so much to say the things I didn't dare say.

I haven't been able to say anything to DP as whenever I do he says - oh, im really worried about this too - which I am sure is true and I know he needs to talk, but it does mean I just go on a tangent of worrying about his feelings and never feel like i've been listened to.

You can link to this thread like this here

You can just copy the link over to a new thread.

I think you and DP sound like you're worrying about the same things. It's time to make sure you are heard - and more importantly FEEL heard - in all of this.

If he says "I feel like that too" then you are allowed to say, "I know we share these feelings but I just need to say all this and to know that you've listened to MY fears."

Men like to fix things, when sometimes we just need them to understand.

Hi

I can sympathise, this happened to me too. I was diagnosed with bipolar when pregnant and had my worst ever episode. I had come off my regular meds to get pregnant and then suffered with a very bad manic episode which finally caused me to be diagnosed. I had received poor mental health care until this, however as soon as I was pregnant I was referred to a special perinatal health team that deals exclusively with pregnant women and women who have a baby up to 12 months old so that you get continuity of care.

Ask your GP to be referred to this service as they have great experience in giving you support and discussing medications you may safely take while pregnant or breastfeeding.

You mention that you have suffered from depression in the past and have discontinued your medication. I developed depression in my pregnancy and although I took my bipolar drugs I did not take any antidepressants out of concern that my baby might have to be monitored for 24 hours after birth for possible withdrawal. I have to say I really regret this decision. Although I didn't think it would happen to me I developed very severe pnd within a couple of weeks and ended up in a psychiatric inpatient mother and baby unit for a couple of months.

If I had taken antidepressants while pregnant these would have definately helped prevent severe pnd as they really kicked in and made things so much better a few weeks after I started taking them. And they would have meant that the last few months of my pregnancy were more enjoyable and I would not have been so unmotivated or so unconfident of any mothering abilities. It is such a special time in your life, that strange as it may seem now, you will really miss the wonder of it all.

I hope you feel better soon and can speak to your GP and or a perinatal team. Let your midwife know how you are feeling too as she has contacts for perinatal health teams and can usually pull a few strings quicker. Taking medication while pregnant is always a very personal decision, but you need to consider talking to someone who can give you advice on possible side effects, either way.

In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. Everybody needs extra help at one time or other, so let your friends, family and partner know how you feel. It isn't your fault, you will be a good mum, and however bad it seems now, you will somehow rise to face every challenge that life can throw at you.

Do something just for you every day, whether it's having a nice bath, some chocolate, a walk, or putting make-up on. Ask your friends and family to spoil you a little - after all you are pregnant, and everybody needs some tlc while pregnant - more especially if you are not feeling so great.

Take care, good luck and congratulations xx