Please, please help me

[HypotheticalMummy]

I need help. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, and for the first couple of weeks I was thrilled but suddenly depression has started to creep in and destroy everything. I have started to feel like I don't love my DP, and I don't want this baby and that I want to die - that I just want to kill myself. I am desperate and I am in pain and I need help.

Please can anyone tell me if they went through something similar in their pregnancy and got over it? Or should I start thinking about an abortion. I wanted this baby so much, it was planned, so I hope this is just the depression.

I have a history of depression and had to come off my antidepressants when we started trying for a baby. Please help me.

The most awful thing is I get angry that he fears the same things I do - because i want him to be my big strong man. I know that is massively unreasonable, but I'm not sure I feel very rational at the moment.

Hi HM - I just wanted to echo what others have said and say that ante-natal depression is starting to become more widely known about. Everyone now knows about the postnatal kind, but due to the hormonal imbalance and general panic etc it is also very common during pregnancy. You are not alone and your GP (or another health professional if you are not happy with your GP) should be able to help.

Good luck (and congratulations for when you feel able to hear it and feel it for yourself - if that makes sense) - you will get loads of support on here.

HM you are allowed to factor in hormones too

You are doing the physical side of pregnancy and therefore he does have more energy to do the emotional side.

Tell him what you want. Tell him you want him to be able to tell you how you feel but that you are feeling really scared and you want to feel protected and looked after too. That's not a bad request. The worst thing you can do is just feel quietly upset. Most men feel useless in pregnancy. They feel as though they can't help. They are left out. Try to include him to benefit you both. Ask him to bring you food in the morning to get rid of the morning sickness (even if you don't have it) ask him to come with you to look at nurseries and choose together. Ask him what he wants in a child, and laugh about it together (in our case it was his chin and my ears, funnily enough they all came out the other way around ). Make this about both of you working together, not him against you against baby.

Phew! I can't half ramble when I try! Sorry about that. Wanting him to protect you is normal. And him wanting to protect you but not knowing how is normal too.

I posted this in pregnancy, though I didn't manage one of those nifty little link things YouKnow.

Everything all of your are saying makes a lot of sense, and I think I would be saying a lot of it to if I were feeling sane.

I have never, ever wanted to be institutionalised before (having had some very bad experiences of it in the past) but right now I wish someone would section me. I feel suicidal and I feel destructive. I won't act on these feelings, I never have and I won't in the future. But the strength of them is incredible.

HM protect yourself from those feelings. Do you have a midwife you could call? Ask for help.

ARe you still feeling suicidal at the moment (knowing you can be honest here without judgement)?

Because I am so early on, I haven't met my midwife yet. I have an appointment at the end of January and I am dreading it, because it will be all about baby - something which is making me so miserable.

I am not going to kill myself. I can't say the thoughts are gone, but I can tell you I wouldn't act on them. I don't know if its because of a survival instinct, or if its because im too much of a coward - but I don't act on these feelings.

HM, the wanting to be institutionalised thing is to do with wanting to relinquish control. When I had post-natal depression I wanted to throw myself down the stairs because if I had broken bones, there'd be something really wrong that people could see, not just in my head where I had to explian it to them. I just wanted someone to take over for a while.

You are absolutely not alone in these feelings, get professional help. You won't be judged.

HM it makes things easier if others know about it because you know that they are looking out for you. It means you can step back a little.

Screw the coward hypothesis! It's because you're too strong! Don't you forget that!

abbie talks sense.

I do want to let go, I want someone else to be responsible for all those simple things I don't feel like I can manage. DP wishes he could be that person, but he's too involved and it makes it too hard.

I once had an ex who entered Priory, a long time ago, and it was this beautiful quiet, inordinately expensive place. I want to go there. I know, I know - that sounds ridiculous. I want to go some where quiet, and clean where I can cry and cry.

I've wanted to run away. I've wanted to run away from everything. Family, friends, loved ones, acquaintances, everything. I wanted to camp in the middle of nowhere and see nobody. I wanted to escape.

Would I have been happy?

Well... I would still have been there, and all those people who love me and care wouldn't have been (because in all honesty I did not love me at that point).

The urge is normal. It's possible to calm it with concentrating on the present. "I'll just get through today, then tomorrow, then the day after" and "I'll ask for help because all they can say is 'no' and then I'm no worse off than now".

Whereabouts in the country are you? Don't answer if you don't want to. There are always MN meetups that can help too.

I need to get some sleep now, otherwise tomorrow will not go at all well.

Thank you for all your help, it has made me feel better - if only temporarily.

Thank you YouKnow, you have been very kind indeed. I'm not sure I deserve it.

HM rest assured I only help those who deserve it!

So you definitely do.

Remember you can talk freely here and there will always be someone to help.

Sleep well and next time I'm online I will check you're ok.

Call your GP or therapist (talking therapy is better than nothing if you don't want to take tablets)

x

Hey HM. As you will no doubt have seen from the flood of posts you are so not alone in experiencing this. I had a bout of debilitating, awful depression just after I found I was pregnant. We're obviously all going to have different experiences of this, but my depression lifted at about 12/13 weeks, along with the morning sickness. I put it down to hormones settling down - don't under-estimate their effect!, along with the time to adjust to the idea of pregnancy - I also have a history of depression and we depressives aren't known for our great resilience in times of change!

I am 20-odd weeks now and (the odd blip aside) feel fantastic, a bit lalalaaa, like I am being cocooned and cushioned by the same hormones that dragged me down. So, I am hoping this is good news, and that your depression might run the same course as mine.

But also you do need to follow all the good advice you have had here about contacting your GP and making damn sure they refer you properly for counselling and ADs, which are proven FINE in pregnancy. I am also going to go and see my GP again pre-birth to make sure they are ready to help me if I have a post-natal crash.

And of course come on the boards and talk to us as much as you need to. Good luck. Am going to post this on your other post too.

Work was ok. I just sort of listened quietly, seemingly attentively - but really i was a thousand miles away. I was in a lot of pain and started to cry on the way home. Popped in to my GP's to book an appointment, in tears. The woman behind the desk was characteristically unhelpful. No appointments till Thursday. I don't know if I will last that long. Now at home dreading the return of DP, his presence just makes me feel so panicky.

HM - have I understood this correctly - did you say you have stopped the anti-ds that you have been on for many years, on the advice of a GP? If this IS the case, then presumably you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms as I'm sure you know, you can't just abruptly stop anti-ds. Sorry if I have this wrong, but please post again as I have some good advice about coming off anti ds.

Have you got a GP appt - you should NOT have to wait till Thursday. I think that all patients have a right to be seen in 48 hours - some GP receptionists are the pits aren't they.

Why does your DP make you feel panicky

hang on in there HM............

NanaNina I have been staring at your post for about an hour trying to find the strength to reply.

I did stop taking anti-depressants, after about 8 years of taking them non stop (with one ill fated attempt to live without them). I have been hospitalised in the past and struggled with some fairly complex issues for a long time. I should never have come off the pills, I think - unfortunately - its too late to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. I just feel so far gone.

The problem is I have just started a new job, literally today. So I can't demand an emergency appointment because they will make me attend an appointment in the middle of the day and I just don't want to add to my problems by making them think I'm so stupid slacker.

I feel the same as I did before though, I seriously believe that if I didn't have this new job I would call my doctor and beg him to have me admitted. I just want to let go or die.

Please somebody hear this and be there. The pain feels unbareable.

If you are pregnant it is within your rights to take time off work to attend doctors or midwife appointments.

Hope you are ok. x

YouKnow?

HM I really feel for you having had mental health issues during pregnancy and post natally myself.However bad you feel at the moment, please know that there are caring people out here reading your posts and wishing they could help. Please attend the doctor as soon as you can-your health is paramount.I had startling and bizarre thouhts when I was illthis is not the REAL youyou have a very real illness which is playing games with your mind. I know t hurts beyond belief and you feel such pain and guilt ,but it WILL pass.Hard as I know it is, try not to think about everythin all at once. Get through the next hour--be kind to yourself, and keep posting x

HM I'm so sorry I wasn't online last night. I posted on your other thread yesterday. Are you ok?! I'm really worried about you.

Bloody receptionist! This is an emergency! You should have been seen then and there! I am so angry on your behalf.

Why are you dreading DP being around? Can he help you? Do you have anyone who you can talk to nearby?

You need someone to help you protect yourself. You are fighting so hard to do the right thing and it seems like people are making it much harder than it needs to be.

ARe you still feeling suicidal? I understand you'll be at work today so I will try to get online this evening. If I don't then know that I am still thinking of you.

Coasting at work is ok at them moment. Just go through it day by day and do what you can. Do not put more pressure on yourself than you need to. I understand you not wanting to take time out of work with a new job. So let's see what help you can get to keep you going.

You shouldn't be off ADs. You shouldn't have no support network! And you certainly shouldn't be turned away when you go looking for help to protect you and your baby.

You are doing fantastically! You are holding yourself together (even though it may not feel like it) in the face of a horrible illness with no medical help.

I'm really worried about you. You're not alone. Please post as soon as you can. Call your GP and insist you talk to a GP today (not the crappy receptionist)!

Me too really worried about you HM and agree with all YouknowS says. You need HELP now - you have a depressive illness and need medication and support. If you had pneumonia this is what would happen and a mental illness is no different from a physical illnes (except it feels worse) Why do you need to go to work if you are feeling this ill. Can't you put your health first and not worry about work until you are getting some medication/support to help you through?

Please come back and let us know how you are.

HM are you there? Please post if you can.

Do you have the number of your local Mental Health Crisis team? They can come to you if you need them.

Link on Direct Gov

You can search for your local centre if you don't know the number. I really hope you are ok.