Please, please help me

[HypotheticalMummy]

I need help. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, and for the first couple of weeks I was thrilled but suddenly depression has started to creep in and destroy everything. I have started to feel like I don't love my DP, and I don't want this baby and that I want to die - that I just want to kill myself. I am desperate and I am in pain and I need help.

Please can anyone tell me if they went through something similar in their pregnancy and got over it? Or should I start thinking about an abortion. I wanted this baby so much, it was planned, so I hope this is just the depression.

I have a history of depression and had to come off my antidepressants when we started trying for a baby. Please help me.

(Oh and it's me YouKnowStuffingisforLunch in my usual post-Christmas name)

I'm here. I'm ok. It just seems like a lot of effort to type is all.

I'm going to work because I started on Monday and I don't want to start this particular professional relationship by going off sick. I'm not good at looking after myself when I'm sick. My DP tries his hardest, he's so kind - he loves me. But him fussing round me makes me nervous, talking to him makes my chest hurt - I don't know why but suddenly I can't stand to be around him. So much so he's gone to stay at a friends tonight. It doesn't make sense, he is lovely.

So i'm alone tonight, which makes it a little easier to deal with.

I don't have the energy to call and demand anything. I wish I did - but I don't.

YouKnow - I'm sorry I made you feel so responsible for me. That wasn't fair.

HM! I don't feel responsible for you! I feel worried about you!

You are not a burden, you are not guilt, you are not pain. I just want to make sure you're ok

Is there anyone who can be with you? A friend a relative?

You really really really need to see someone professional. I can find the number for you if you need me to. Just need the area you're in.

You can get through this. I understand you not wanting to take any time off work. So let's see what can be done for you without that worry. A mental health team can come out and assess you NOW. They can give you the help and support you need. Without fussing

So glad you posted!

What do you think it means about how I feel towards DP? That is really scaring me.

HM, I wouldn't worry about that now. How you feel about DP can be completely twisted by depression.

A few years ago, I was really down. One day I woke up and decided I didn't love DH anymore. That was it. It wasn't meant to be. It was over.

Now I can see that I did love him, I just had my feelings so numbed and was so low that I couldn't even feel what I knew was there.

And I was SOOO sure it was over. I was SOOO sure that my feelings were telling me the truth.

And then I got better, and the feelings came back. So my advice to you is to wait until the depression has lifted to make ANY decisions about how you really feel.

I can't wait for antidepressants but then i am aware that they take an age to work - and i am not sure I can hold on.

The reason I am reluctant to call a mental health duty team, or nhs direct, or contact an emergency facility is that I will almost certainly be drag into a process which will force me to miss work.

I will also have to convince someone on the end of the phone that I am depressed enough - its so hard when you're depressed to convince people its true. All the floods of tears and expressions of emotion tend to dry up when i tell a health care professional about it. SO they don't believe - and its so debilitating. I don't mean to be obstinant. Honest.

I understand completely. I am an expert in behaving normally around other people. I always come across as so together. But they have always believed me. No one says they're ill for fun. If you stress that you are really, really worried about missing work then they should be able to provide something for you.

What if you called them up and said, "I am really depressed and suicidal and pregnant but don't want to ask for help because I've got a new job which I can't lose! Is there something you could do to help me without me missing work?!" and refuse to give your name until they suggest solutions? That way you will feel reassured that they will help you in the way you want to be helped.

Would that be an option? (Thinking outside the box!)

That might be an option. I wonder if people will listen harder now im pregnant.

They definitely will! I got down at the beginning of last year whilst pregnant and was seen the same day and then was in therapy within 10 days (definitely fast-tracked) - and I wasn't nearly as down as you are. They will care. Call them and see what solutions they can offer. You've got nothing to lose.

For me? (Shameless emotional blackmail )

I guess one thing that scares me is how much I want someone to tell me, 'you don't have to go to work, you don't even have to get out of bed, come to this clean safe place and feel free to be sad'.

Are you calling?

HM, that's normal.

But how about we take all of that away and replace it with:-

Here you are HM, you can carry on life as before but someone is going to be your safety net. You will stay at work and go back on ADs, but until you feel ok someone will make sure that you are protected.

Imagine the weight that would lift? Just knowing you were safe from yourself? You've been so strong. You've carried yourself so far. You clearly want to fight this and fight for your family. Asking for help is not giving in. You can keep fighting!

I need more time. I'm sorry YouKnow.

But please be assured, im in bed, with the telly on, drinking orange juice from the carton and hugging a hot water bottle. And if I don't call tonight - I will fall asleep and go to work tomorrow. I'm not in danger, im just in pain.

Tell me about your pain.

ARe you there HM? You can talk to me too. What are you worried about with DP? Is it that you are pushing him away or that he is being too unsupportive (I'm the queen of pushing away!)? Is there something in particular you are worried about?

I worry I don't love him. That I am in a relationship with him because I was scared of being alone and that now I am committed to having him in my life forever. The fact that I feel this way is hurting more than anything in the whole world.

Its not that I don't want to talk freely, its that I feel like I can't. I feel myself clamming up in some self defence move. It isnt intentional and I don't think its helping.

I feel alot more in control than I did a couple of days ago. But that doesnt mean the pain has decreased.

So you feel terrible, and you feel you can't talk to him about that? That does sound miserable. For now, just hold on. As I said before decisions can be made when you feel better. It's so hard to know what is real and what is illness because they all feel the same. And those feelings are real and need dealing with. Did you feel like this before you came off the ADs?

I had a fear, but I didn't feel so strongly about it. It didn't make me feel panicky when he was around. I don't want to not love him. I want to love him. I need to love him. We're having a baby.

I think that's what is fuelling the fear. The more you worry you don't love him the more you feel you must love him, and the more you fear you don't.

Do you know how much a non-depressed woman feels snappy and annoyed with her DP when pregnant? The answer is A LOT! The exhaustion and the sickness and the fact that he is fine throughout it all can make us feel isolated.

The panicky thing is new, so it can't be trusted. You want to love him (I remember that feeling!) and that is a big start.

What is it you like about him. What kind of bloke is he?

I can't talk anymore. I need a shower and then I need to go to sleep. I'm exhausted, not tired - but utterly, utterly exhausted.

Thank you YouKnow - you are a kind and patient person. You are also very wise.

I'll post soon. Thank you again

Look after yourself HM. Let me know you're doing ok and I hope you talk to your GP tomorrow.

xxx

How are you doing today HM? Have you managed to see your GP yet?

x

Hi HM, I know you were finding it tough to post, I hope you're still reading though. Just wanted to let you know we're still thinking of you. I remember you saying the receptionist had apts today so hoping you have managed to see your GP. x

I've been to the GP and, in the process, turned my feet into two ice blocks. I will post in two mins.

Hi just wanted to add that your fears sound vefy rational and real - lots of people go into pregnancy in ignorant bliss, and suffer the consequences. Sounds like you understand what lies ahead, which is fantastic.

Understand all the things you say about losing 'you' when you are pregnant.

If you don't want to stay with your, or are having doubts, all will become clear when you are parents - but that's not necessarily the most important thing to take into account.

I suffered from depression from my early teens and gave birth to my son when I was 34. Despite anti and post natal depression and the break up of my marriage I have never regretted having my son. Might be differnt for you but just wanted to say, life goes on and children survive divorce, separation, depression and the rest..

Wishing you all the best.