confused about my

[happyathome]

why do i feel so negative now about having a baby(now 8 1/2 months old) can you fathom it?!!!.....
also have a DD 7.3 yrs.not sure how long i've felt like this ,maybe weeks now,but i'm so fed up with looking after him,just want to run away,want him to shut up whining,want some sort of quality time with DD(never hardly get),some quality time as a foursome(thought that was part of the deal,but family always seems split),want more 'me' time(have literally made the kids 24/7 for a while now).Am sooo tired hate the relentlessness of it all.thought a 2nd child would be more fun,my last chance to enjoy having a baby,would be someone for DD(she's glad he's here but gets frustrated i haven't more time for her).I planned him for 3 years and was haunted until i got got pg,then felt peaceful.hated pg,but felt very complete/happy after the birth and for the first few months.very tied to him though through bf and slow cs recovery.he's now got ezcema which makes his care even more time consuming.yesterday only got about 1/2 hr with DD,and only because i sacrificed proper tea time.i love him loads,but recently have felt more annoyed by him and even shouted at him.sometimes wish i had old relaxed life back just with DD.at the moment get up just wanting it to instantly be the 'end of the day' again...don't want to face the day.so dissapointed and upset my mood has turned like this,started off wanting to cherish every moment,knowing he was my last baby and knowing they grow up quick.
it might be because he's very unreliable with daytime naps(if any sometimes??!!),so never get any peace/time to do things...doesn't play for long on his own.sometimes sleeps through,but other times still wakes up for a night feed.know he doesn't need it,but tried to settle him without and he doesn't accept that.also SOOO
hate dividing my time between them than i thought i would (well he takes it all just now).mostly want to look forward to each day instead of dread it.i have some family support so feel more guilty that i feel this way,although feel very 'indispensible' myself especially due to the bf,but just can't give up...fought so hard to do it and it may stop his ezcema going through the roof.his ezcema is getting worse though and steroids keep improving it only for it to come back the day after each course...maybe it's all the anxiety about his skin or maybe i've tried to be the perfect parent for too long and burnt myself out??!!i research things about kids/skin/foods etc on web at night and don't give myself me time anymore,house constantly a tip and gets to me cause i haven't time to do it with his demanding/clingy ways.anxious about what foods to wean him on to,cause don't want to make his skin worse.different gp's not being very helpful,just prescribing more creams.
sorry such a long rant...thanks for listening...anybody like me? any advice?i know others in worse situations so i've no right to moan really.felt depressed on and off for a few years though then much better since his birth until recently.not told gp about it/no meds.neglected myself so that doesnt help.anyone else with a large age gap between kids and get down...thought it would be easier
thankyou

Oh no HAH,

Sorry to hear DS skin is flaring up again! GP's can be so off the mark at times! Can;t believe the asked has DS stopped whining . They are not the ones who are having to be with then in the dead of night trying to settle them!

I hope you had a better night last night!

Don;t worry about being to tired to come on the computer last thing at night! I'll still be here when things settle down again

Hope things start getting better soon, thinking about you and DS {{{hugs for you both}}}

x x x

hope you're ok.
not bad day here.still at it with the creams and only just got out to shops before having to do school run.just getting out for a couple of hours though to have a meal and quick look at shops made me feel more human.went with mum and dad for company.i woke up at 8 today,as DS went back to sleep after waking at 5:20 for milk.the other day he wouldn't go back to sleep though.DH took him down and he went to sleep in pram.what times do yours wake?.today missed his afternoon nap...went to sleep at 5:30pm and is still asleep so god knows what time he'll wake tonight.missed his creaming and bath tonight which worries me as his skin may suffer...mind you we all suffer if he doesn't sleep.usually by tea time he is dead grumpy and cries on and on and i'm trying to do tea and it drives me insane.Does your baby DS get in a state at tea time?.nothing i can do though as tea gets late for DD otherwise e.t.c....so damn tough trying to keep both happy and keep a routine going isn't it?!.so had 3 hrs with just DD and the peace and ease of 1 child again was unbelievable and getting to talk to her without him screeching in the background was great...made me miss my old life with just her...then felt guilty for that thought.but the difference in how relaxed you can be with one child as opposed to two,only hit me tonight really as i've not had hardly any time with just her these days,because of DS's lack of naps and his relentless skin care.we both say though that we wouldn't be without him!...we love him to bits really.listen to me rabbiting on...sorry to rant on and bore you.think it would be good to print this thread so we can read it like a diary in our rocking chair years eh?!.
your DH must be home now??!!.hope the burden eases for you then,if he's around to help.have a good weekend.your kids ok too? and have you kept positive?.mind me asking?...how have you dealt with your anxiety?.I think my 'depression/anxiety'?!,may be strongly linked to tiredness and the sheer monotony of my life these days.I could make life more varied,but i choose to stay in mostly for ease and probably because i lack motivation because i am depressed...but today i felt a lot better with going out,so perhaps i have to shove myself out the door more?!.Did that depression scale test thing yesterday and got a high score(16!!),suggesting depression,but on the other hand i feel i am functioning enough not to bother the gp with it....still got my humour too e.t.c.Have you ever done those online test things? .
If you ever want a long moan or whatever,don't put it off...talk to me...it does help to get it off the chest.
take care.i may pop in here tommorow...if i get a chance(i'm making cardboard stables for my DD's plastic horses...if DS lets me)
bye xx

oh meant to say,i worded it badly last night.Wasn't gp who said about the whining,it was me asking you if you're DS had stopped whining as you said he had the other day...typos eh?!.
actually gp very nice.she'd been in France last week cycling with others and strangely bumped into a dermatologist and asked about my Ds's ezcema and whether it would be worth referring him,but he said no they wouldn't do much more and probably not food tests,but also said the important thing was to carry on creams a few days after it clears up which my gp never knew/told me,so just shows gps are not skin experts...anyway was kind of her to find out for me.

Hi HAH,

Sorry I've not been around in a while! . I'm a terrible friends . I have had such a busy weekend with DH being home and trying to do things with the boys before he went away again (today) . We went to see 'Up' on friday night - was a really good movie DS loved it! DS2 stayed at home with DH and I went with a friend and her kids. I love spending some alone time with DS1, makes me remember when it was just the two of us! How has your weekend been, how have you been with the whole getting out thing??? I think getting out everyday def helps with the depression/anxiety! I usually get up between 7 - 7.30, thats what time DS2 gets up at. I come down get the kids breakfast then go for a shower, get the boys in bath n we're all out the door by 9 to get DS1 to nursery. When I come back I finish doing my hair n tidy the house in between watching Jezza Kyle, lol! Even on the weekends if we are not all bathed n showered by 10 it annoys the life out of me even if we are not going anywhere! I think if I leave it any longer I start to get into that can;t be bothered zone! ! Maybe I should take a chill pill, lol! I think thats another reason I have to get out as it can be a hell of a long day in the house! DS2 has cut right down on his daytime naps now too, but I don;t mind as much becasue he has been sleeping through the night more often without waking for milk.

I do okay over tea time, I usually make sure DS2 gets his tea before we do and then when we are eating he can have a snack - rasins or something. He is ususally quite happy to run around in the walker or to crawl around my feet! lol! He is only a nightmare when he is tired!

As for how I have dealt with the anxiety - i'm not really sure I am quite often! I must be as I have came a long way since I was really bad with it, but it still restricts my life to an extent and that is the most annoying part for me! I have tried counselling, hypnotherapy, etc! I wonder sometimes if I should just try Ad's to get me over the final hurdle, IYKWIM. I really just want my old life back and for everything not to be an ordeal! It has been quite bad today, I have been to tesco and in town for a few mins, but my chest was really sore and I just wanted to get home. Days like today really annoy me as I think why can;t I just do the things I bloody want to do without feeling like this??!!!

Lol, sorry for the long moaning!
As if you don't have enough of your own things to worry about without me moaning at you too!

Hope you and the family are all well!
P.S. If you want to swap e-mail addresses instead of posting on here all the time I would be happy to do that! Feel like we have clicked really well on some sort of cyber level, lol!

And I hope we both look back in old age and thing about how well we got through rough times! Maybe when we are moaning about our DGC, lol!

x x x

will do a longer post tonight.going out(with parents again!).GREAT TO READ YOUR POST THIS MORNING.have a good day
xx

sorry you had a rough time today YM.I'm ok thanks too.Going out today helped.DS's skin on the mend again after another flare,so much better now..You are not a terrible friend...it's great to talk to you and share moans...moan away as it helps get it off your chest.I understand if you don't come on here for a bit,because i don't always. us mums of two are busy aren't we?!.You sound very caring and a good mum.
Sorry your DH has to go back again.Know what you mean about getting out of a routine...i'm the opposite though...i resist against routine,DS screeches...so i don't go shower and consequently i'm a stinky mummy.(with chip pan hair quite often and a beard)....my self-esteems through the floor!.
Don't know what to advise you on the anxiety front as i am a mess myself and am no expert on anxiety.All i can say is maybe go see your gp about extra help/meds if you feel it is really interfering with your day to day life and making you really miserable.I wondered myself about meds,but heard they have side effcts and set some people back...others feel great...it's hard to know.Maybe even see a different gp at your surgery to get a second opinion as i did about my ds's skin and let your instinct tell you who is right.(2 gps had different approach about creams for ds and even different pearls of wisdom/attitude...so it pays to poke around).another idea is yoga...ever gone into that option?...i never got very far but the tiny bit i tried was EXTREMELY RELAXING and the deep breathing you can use when you get tensed up outside.I just got a home video/book on it once and did it for just a few minutes.Even just the warm up relaxation pose at the start/end is good.Also visualisation where you picture yourself going out and seeing it all go well in your imagination before it happens(rather than thinking what might go wrong).I'm a fan of playing relaxing music a lot(car,in house,bedtimes,naptimes e.t.c.) and use one drop of lavender oil on a tissue next to DD's pillow if she can't sleep and nice in our room too.Heard others talk of rescue remedy but nver tried it myself.May give it a go.Think i'd rather try natural things than Ad's,but everyone's different so maybe see what gp thinks.
about e-mailing....how do you do it so the public don't see the address as don't want anyone to see it but you ?.anyway i'm ok about posting on here unless you aren't.
hope tommorows better for you.
yes,i feel we've cyber-clicked too
hugs
xx

Hey HAH,

How have you been?? I have been okay the past wee while! Another busy weekend apart from today, we have all just had a day chillin' in the . DS1 has had a bad cough and bit of a cold and think he has passed it on to me [hhhm]. Had a bit of a sore throat and now sound like I am loosing my voice! Not great with DH being away!! Never mind, us mums usually just get on with it anyway - don't we??!! lol!

How has DS's skin been?? Have you been upto anything nice??

I have often thought about meds for the anxiety, but if I am doing okay without then i would rather go without - like you said its mostly fear of how I would react to them! Some people find them brilliant, for other they just don;t work out!

Anyway, just a quick post for now, Have to get DS2 to bed and DS1 is wanting me to colour in with him (he calls it his homework, lol) He'll be in for a shock next year, ha ha!

Hope all is well with you!
Speak soon x x x

hi ym,
sorry you are ill and DS.Hope you're better soon...yeah parenting tough when you feel rotten.We're not too bad,although still hard trying to dampen the ezcema but it's roughly under control just now.DD has had a cold/cough too and been tired and grumpy.Don't we just love winter.
Did nothing Saturday again..all tired then Sunday i was working in morning and then in-laws.I did maths homwork with DD and reading for school...yes the homework's a PITA and mums tell me boys are lazier so me and you better beware.Reception not too bad although i hear they've upped it at our school.Year 1 was worst for it.Now getting less in yr 3, than in yr 2 ??!!.
DS asleep,but usually quick 1/2 hr at this time(wakes up after 1/4 hr and have to rock him back to sleep).I have my breke and usually come on MN.If he misses a morning nap though and only has 1,1/2 to 2 hrs in ave,then he's impossible by tea time and usually screeching in his playpen while i try and make tea...drives me mad...so lets hope he sleeps now.
He also tries to love me back,but nearly rips my face off with his fingers/nails,or is trying to headbut me/wack me in the face/climb up me and dig his feet painfully in...is your DS like this?.
Watched x factor last night,did you?...actually relaxed insted of researching medical problems on the web.Helped my mood.I think the twins should go,do you?.. although like they say,they are a laugh.
well wrap up warm and get well soon.bye[hugs] xx