Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

[adelicatequestion]

Here's the lyrics - made me cry and sums up the emptyness.

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

Youre a long way from somewhere you call home yeah
Theres a place in your heart youre not alone
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Its just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices
You think youre backed into a corner
But youve got so many choices
Youre a long way from somewhere you call safe
Peace of mind comes from just one place
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Its just 100 tears away

Youre a long way from somewhere you call home
Theres a place in your heart youre not alone
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Its just 100 tears away
Whatever it is thatll make you feel good
You can have if you want
If you knew that you could
Its closer than you think
Its just 100 tears away

[alypaly]

wow!!!!!!!!that is really emotional...and sums it all up in a nutshell.The fist verse is so right...first of all you have to feel the sadness...Its what i was saying abouthiiting rock bottom and then being able to reach out to someone to help you in any way at all.someone just to makke you slmile and feel really happy again.

Can i ask you..do you ever really feel happy after what DH has done or has it left you feeling cold and numb and unsure of letting anyone have 100% of you again.
And do you ever feel real happiness.Is your happiness just revolving around your children?

[adelicatequestion]

alypaly

That reaching out you talk about was what I was doig with the therapist and I felt let down on an emotional level. At a realistic logical level I know they can;t come running but just once would have been good.

I have realised another link though. Whenever I needed support as a child, through the abuse, through bereavements, painful incidents like seeing car crashes, friends dying at an early age etc etc NEVER once was I given a cuddle or comforted in any way. I was just left to deal with it.

I suppose now as an adult, I still want that comfort.

But how in earth do you fill that void and become a well adjusted adult.

[alypaly]

sorry to say it ADQ...the things you are explaining are so similar to mine. I know exactly, and i mean exactly where you are at this moment in time.

It is a lonely place to be believe me.

It is so difficult to grow up with no tactile tangible emotions around you.

I dont know if it was our parents generation,but my mum was exactly the same....i knew she loved me...but she was INCAPABLE of showing it.Occasionally she would pat me on the back to praise me.and i still remember sarcastically saying,as i got older'Mum im not a dog,im a human being,dogs get patted'........but still no hug.

Over the years the sadness turned to anger and exasperation and then back to anxiety and panic attacks.Would i ever feel loved...and ultimately WILL I EVER BE IN LOVE? How i longed for that elusive hug when i had an almost fatal car crash,when i lost my beloved grandma,when i gave the kiss of life to my dad as he died in my arms,when i held my really premature baby. I was that little girl at all these times longing to be picked up, held and reassured.But it never came.

As a result you and i have built a wall,a facade,almost a coldness....maybe a resentment that others have what we crave.

Do you find it difficult to be physically close to DH?

I cant find how old your DC's are from your previous posts. But im sure you are like me,in that its not difficult for us to show our DC everything that we didnt get. I hug my boys alot and frequently tell them how much i love them and how much they mean to me...it all feels so unconditional.

[alypaly]

I remember mentioning in one of my posts how difficult these counselling sessions are..they feel too struxtured...too inflexible and like you say,they are not around to help put you back together afterwards.

However i am glad that you are starting to make these links and i feel that this is a very important part of your healing process. To even begin to identify these triggers is a big start.

Although i seemingly cope now...it has been my attitude towards everything that helped me pull through all this. I wanted to get better(AS YOU DO)so that i could be a good mum to my boys...rather than this weeping wreck.

I cried alot in front of my boys because i was a single mum and i couldnt just walk away from the house and leave them with anyone else. I had no close friends to lean on and still dont.i reassured them it was not because of them.They cuddled me which was nice.

They didnt know what i was crying about then, but as they grew older ,i told them that my step brother was a paedophile...i didnt tell them about the perverted things he asked me to do as an 8 year old ,but i still told them about the horrendous abuse.
One of the reasons i did tell them was because they knew i had a brother and they thought it was strange that i didnt see him. They thought it was me that was behaving oddly, until i told them.

As you can probably see from what i write to you,i have never forgotten what happened to me,probably never will, i have just been able to harden myself and move on,most of the time. Sometimes i go back to that place....and it is mainly when i feel unloved....which unfortunately for me is becoming more frequent as BF is the most unemotional man i have ever met....its becoming a difficult friendship...its empty,loveless almost.
I have spoken to him about his inability to show emotion and he admits he cant so i really dont know where our relationship is going.

I dont want to be devoid of emotion ALL my life...i dont deserve that...i feel like i deserve more.

Maybe i want too much,maybe that knight in shining armour doesnt exist.
I just long for that night when i can fall asleep peacefully cradled in someones arms and actually sleep without dreaming.

[alypaly]

sorry my posts were so long.

and im sorry you are having a difficult time...if it still helps to talk....maybe we can get you on the right track to coming through all this.
it does take a long time...there is no instant fix or band-aid.

[adelicatequestion]

Don't worry about long posts.

I am sitting at work but haven't achieved anythign today.I may as well not be here.

I just feel like bursting into tears at any moment. I want to talk to the hterapist and tell them how let down I feel, but at the same time don't want to be a pain.

It is exactly how you describe, a great big cavern of emptyness and desire for a hug and it never comes - just as it never came back then.

It makes me feel what was wrong with me that no one wanted to hug me.

My boys are 9 and I hug them and comfort them every time they need it. They are both quite affectionate boys and will tell me they love me and hug me and their sister. I love it that my kids can express all their emotions and can ask for comfort when they need it (and they ALWAYS get it, no matter what I am doing).

It is helping to share this. Some of which I need to share with the therapist but they've hurt me now and I don;t want to to open up.

[alypaly]

i know you feel like the therapists have hurtyou adelicatequestion , unfortunately, being realistic ,they are doing their 9-5 job (sorry to sound so cynical)
They will never give you answers,they are trained not to give answers.They will just listen and turn the question back to you to solve your own problem. If they were able to solve your problems....you would never heal yourself...YOU would never find the answers YOU were looking for.The answers would be theirs IYGWIM and the panic attacks would just carry on for you.
You have to find these solutions for yourself so that you are more able to cope with these things that make you panicky.

i am glad you get something of what you need from your children...it is a great comfort...But do you honestly get what you need from DH....i would doubt it if you have been betrayed..

Sorry another link..betrayal..DH and therapist have left you with this pain and emptiness...and anger.

Do your work colleagues know how bad you feel?

[adelicatequestion]

I know what you say makes sense. It doesn;t make it any easier.

No one at work has a clue. I run the business, so have to be strong for them too. It's not just at home.

[alypaly]

will talk later if you want to..just got to go to B&q to get some gloss paint as i am in the middle of decorating the house.

one other thing that probably goes against us,that i have gathered from your conversations...you are a very capable lady and independent and it is so hard for others to see through that. I also think one of the fears is crumbling in front of people that have put us on this pedestal of being able to cope with whatever life throws at us...it soooo hard to know what to do...to open up...its makes you vulnerable again

[alypaly]

BTW when u have your next session with the therapist,tell her that you feel let down.I did with mine. It makes you feel stronger and also gives them something to go on,as to what makes you tick. They will not stop your sessions just because you voice your opinion..it is not aimed at them ,uts aimed at the situation...they will not see it as a personal attack. It will be a good way of getting deeper into why things make you feel unwell.

[adelicatequestion]

How do I stop all this wallowing in upset all the time. It's taking up all my time feeling upset.

even the therapist said to do something about it. Do they just not understand.

There's this bottomless pit that seems to need to be filled with love and caring. How do you stop feeling like this. Surely it's not just something you swich off like a light switch?

Have any of you learnt to soothe yourself and not be so needy.

[adelicatequestion]

I also seem to be being very obsessive about things -emailing/txting therapists and expecting a reply.

Often they don;t and then I feel really abandoned.

[alypaly]

its not a case of 'pull yourself together'.
Its one of the worst cliches ever.

There is an underlying reason why you feel like this and you have got to get to the bottom of it.

Do you feel as if you have hit absolute rock bottom or is there further to go?

Why cant you show others your feelings?

Why are you not happy?

what would make you happy?

What are you searching for?

What are you craving?

Somewhere it will come down to you not being happy with your lot in life and then you need to see what you can change and what you cant.
Also you need to identify what you want to change. Then you will start to feel better and be able to channel all this negative energy into something constructive and positive

[alypaly]

unfortunately part of the illness that abuse creates is obsessive tendencies but if you are recognising them that is half the battle. I didnt and i was obsessively cleaning and wanting to be a perfectionist at everything until i basically collapsed with nervous exhaustion.
Be careful it doesnt happen to you especially with you running your own business.

[LuluSkipToMyLou]

Hope you don't mind me popping up in here, I only suffered physical/emotional abuse but it also led to panic attacks. Had counselling a couple of years ago, but I still can't get rid of the panic. Somewhere inside I guess I still don't feel I have the right to be happy, as it always seems to happen when I'm excited/looking forward to something. One thing my therapist recommended was writing letters, not only to your abuser (never sent of course!) but to yourself, or the part of yourself that's still suffering, if that makes sense. Somewhere inside is the real you, you need to somehow reconnect and make peace with yourself. Don't know if this makes any sense, and I realise that my still feeling bad may not vindicate this approach. I will say that doing that often leads to the emotional outbursts I seem to need to have, and feels very empowering. Maybe I just don't do it enough.

As an aside, apart from antidepressants have any GPs ever suggested meds to deal with the side effects of panic attacks? I get extreme nausea, palpitations and hot/cold flushes that can last all night, I think I could cope if I didn't feel sick, I'm still here though, and keep telling myself you can't die of panic! Even though you might want to...

[alypaly]

Hi...dont mind you popping in at all LuluSkipToMyLou. The letter writing is very therapeutic...did those when i was in hospital...didnt send mine for a long time, then i plucked up the courage and made a phone call too.
Told him exactly what i thought of him and it was like a moment of inner cleansing to tell this creature what a bastard he was in his earlier years.
He tried to argue his case of not being loved but he was 18 and i was 8. he should have known better.Didnt let him get a word in ...felt really good.

[alypaly]

LuluSkipToMyLou...the panic attacks are horrible and totally overwhelming arent they. You really do feel as if you are going to die of a heart attack at times ,then you ring doc and then you feel calmer...its so odd.

My psychiatrist at the time ( dont know if you have read the earlier threads) explained the panic attacks really well.
He said the incrwease heart rate was like having an invisible lion chasing you and the reason it doesnt stop is because that lion never catches you...so your adrenalin keeps flowing...He was quite right and it helped me deal with the palpitations when i could explain them.iygwim

[LuluSkipToMyLou]

I've faced off against my abuser too, a family member, but I found myself forgiving them. Maybe I shouldn't have done? It's hard, I ended up writing an email as I didn't want it to get violent, and they ended up agreeing with everything I said and apologising profusely, so I thought 'well that's sorted then' only maybe it isn't. Or maybe it's something in me that's still broken, they talk about forgiving yourself - I know I blame myself for not doing anything at the time - why is it harder to forgive myself than my abuser? I worry I'm just wallowing in it too.

[alypaly]

have you really forgiven your abuser...or is that because it is the right thing to do from a religious point of view?

[LuluSkipToMyLou]

And you're right about the logical explanation helping, I do get through about 50% of attacks like that to be fair. I even manage to just turn over and get back to sleep sometimes!

[LuluSkipToMyLou]

I'm not religious at all, quite the opposite. Maybe it was just one of those automatic responses, when someone apologises you're meant to accept it if they really mean it? Which is obviously rubbish. Plus they're a close family member and cutting them out would tear up the family and I'm not sure my kids would understand.

Oh hell, just re-reading these posts it's bloody obvious isn't it? I don't want to go through all this again, and how can I turn around and say 'well actually you're not forgiven after all, get out of my life I can't bear to see you ever again'?

[alypaly]

LuluSkipToMyLou because i love athletics the other explantaion he gave me which was a bit closer to home was

imagine you are at the beginning of a race(loads of adrenalin).When you run your heart beats fast and when you get to the finish line the adrenalin stops as you have got to your goal.
But, with panic attacks there is no finishing line..no goal to stop the adrenalin...very clever i thought

[differentnameforthis]

adelicate...

I hope I am not intruding here, but I wanted to share something with you.

I have not been through what you have, but did experience emotional abuse from my mother. Lack of any expression of love being the hardest thing to deal with, until she told me at 16, that she never wanted me & tried to self abort. So, I do know how that little girl in you feels, regarding the abandonment.

I had a termination earlier this year that I had some counselling for & it brought back many many feelings from my childhood. I had/have some reoccurring problems with that abandonment still, so still find myself crying when I get a trigger. I have realised that one reason (not the sole one, I suffer terribly in pregnancy - Pre-eclampsia etc.) for having the termination was because I was scared I couldn't love a 3rd child, because I was a third child & I was unwanted & unloved.

I have to say that I find solace in my children. My daughter, 6, sees me upset & cuddles me. And while it doesn't replace the cuddles I needed/wanted as a child, it does help me to know that she loves me unconditionally. I never tell why I am upset, just tell her I am feeling poorly etc./having a bad day but feeling her arms around me is soothing & helps a little. I think it is because I never felt that unconditional love from my mother, but I feel it from her.

I haven't seen you mention how old your children are, but could you not try, just once, to see if that works for you? I am not advocating you tell them everything, just seek solace in them & see where that leads you.

I feel like a little girl in my little girls arms, but she is SUCH a comfort, more so than dh sometimes. I think it is that lost mother/daughter bond for me.

I wish you luck, adelicate. I hope you are in a better place soon.

[differentnameforthis]

I should also point out that I have severed ties with my mother, along time ago. Such was the pain over knowing I was never loved etc.