Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

[alypaly]

why is it that all this only starts to rear its head as we get older. Did yours start after birth of your children

[alypaly]

i was 33 when mine all came to a head ,about 6 months after having DS1

[adelicatequestion]

Jazzicatz

I had always known about the abuse happening but didn't link it to the other stuff at first.

When the panic attacks started to have a bigger ipact on my life I went to the GP. Luckily he referred me to a great psychiatrist and psychologist which lucky for me DH health insurance pay for. Otherwise there is no way I could afford it.

I was like you, I could reel off what had happened as if I was reading a bedtime story. I"felt" nothing. Over the last year I have learnt that the people I am working with are safe to trust and this has allowed me to open up more and more.

I did question loads of times whether I was making progress and nearly gave up lots of times and in all honesty probably would have done if I'd been paying. But I am now so glad i didn't because today for the first time in months, I feel optimistic about beating this. And thats after a truly horrible few weeks (including yesterday - my worst day so far),

Alypaly - you're right it's lots of ups and downs - yesterday was down -today has been more up. I need to take each day for what it is.

About a month ago, the flood gates opened and I felt all the pain, upset, anger etc and at times I thought I would burst with the hurt. I just keep remembering through it all that the hurt relates to then not now and when I've calmed down it will be ok. That's what keeps me going. Though I have spent whole days crying on and off.

I now view it as a journey which will take some time. I still have a long long way to go (still got eating disorder to sort and many other issues), but the difference now is that I believe I will do it.

I really hope you do well with your journey.

Gosh -have i written too much.

[Jazzicatz]

I don't really feel like I am 100% ready to deal with it I suppose as I feel as if that little girl is not me, if that makes sense? The woman I am now is vastly diffenrent from the quiet, shy little girl I was. Having the boys didn't really change the way I felt about the abuse because I barely think about it. But just something is there niggling in my mind that says I should try and deal with it as one day it will explode out of me!!!!

[Jazzicatz]

Oh and thank you for being so honest and for letting me share with you our experiences.

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion i know you said the hurt relates back to the past,but i also found it was some hurt in the present that triggered off the link back to the past...hope you understand that..its a bit...waffley.

Its good that you are doing alot of crying as bottling it up is probably the worst thing to do. Ay emotion is good,no matter what

[adelicatequestion]

Jazzicatz - I know what you mean about not feeling ready. I didn't feel ready but any good therapist will go at your pace. Mine did.

alypaly - You're right about the hurt in the present triggering the hurt in the past. That's what happened yesterday. Something hurt me but it tapped into how I felt as that little girl.

Today I made that link - maybe that's why I feel good this evening.

[alypaly]

link all the hurts and maybe you will find that common theme. The recent last thing to hurt tends to be the one you focus on intially until you realise that it was the final straw that broke the camels back...so to speak

[adelicatequestion]

Alypaly

Feeling not too bad today. I am linking left right and centre. I had a good weekend with only a couple fo blips where I got very upset.

I expect these will continue to happen for some time, but I am optimistic after my meltdown last week that if I can cope with that, I can cope with anything.

How are you? and you Jazzicatz?

[twoisplenty]

I have just read through this thread, and although I did not suffer sexual abuse, I did suffer physical/emotional abuse right up to my late teens. A lot of what you all say seems to be true for me too - no self confidence, and never ever showing my emotions.

Counselling is hard, and I want to run away from talking about the past, but I know underneath it all, it's important to talk about it. I can't open up, and I often change the subject, but I will get there. I need to get to the other side of counselling, whereby hopefully I will be calmer and feel alive, rather than just going through the motions.

I am still surprised that the past is so relevant to who I am today. It's obvious really, but sometimes as I drive to the counsellor, I wonder what I need to talk about it for.

All the best to everyone.

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion ...glad you are feeling more positive.... i am fine too thanks.
Thinking about doing some tiling in the kitchen tomorrow actually. That will keep me out of mischief and empty my bank account

[adelicatequestion]

Alypaly

How did the tiling go?

I thought after my dreadful days on Thurs and Fri crying my eyes out, I would be able to put that episode behind me. I had a good weekend and then last night it all hit me again...

What's that about.

How many times does it keep coming back?

[HelensMelons]

Hi ADQ

Have been following your thread with such interest, it has been so honest and insightful.

I am wondering if you are kind of grieving - it sounds a bit like it. You have been talking about linking things up and themes, I also imagine that there is a real sense of loss (?) and perhaps that can help towards explaining, a few good days, and then a bad one - bouncing back again for a little while, and then another bad day - iyswim.

Are you working through the pain of your grief?

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion..
it didnt....ended up just messing about ,but today,ive put 2 shelves up in DS2's wardrobe for all his 6th form books. Really proud of myself..cut the wood to size and got my drill out. Havent done any DIY for ages but its really got me in the mood. Going to look for some tiles tomorrow...i think ive decided on black.
ADQ ..It doesnt just go away with one big sobbing session.I wish it was that easy.

Have you any idea what actually hit, did you do something that brought bad memories back,was there something on the telly.
Were you on your own with plenty of time to think.
Thiscan go on for many months even years as it did with me until it doesnt hurt or make you angry or resentful to talk about it.

HelensMelons is right in some ways....it is a form of grieving...grieving for that childhood that we had so horribly taken away from us.A childhood that we will never have again. Anger at being exploited at such a delicate age.I think thats one reason i have loved watching my boys grow up into such fine young men...they have done it the right way.Not like these weirdo's

It is such a hotch potch of emotions but now you have put the tap on drip and you can help heal yourself if you let ALL...and i mean ALL the different feelings out...even if its extreme anger.
As long as its not misdirected.

[alypaly]

HelensMelons...can i ask what lead you to this page..if thats ok

[adelicatequestion]

twoisplenty

I don;t think it matters what type of abuse you suffer as a child. Each is equally disturbing and leads to issues as an adult. Hope you continue to heal from it.

Helensmelons

I'd never thought of it as grieving. I'll have to think about that one. You could be on to something because sometimes I get angry that I haven't been able to live the life I may have led if it haddn;t happened. But then again I mihgt have led the same life, but I don;t think I would. There was a lot of fear in me as a teenager and I avoided doing things because of it.

Alypaly

Last week I told about one of the episodes and recently dreamt about it which triggered the thing the other night. I guess it may keep coming back to haunt me and maybe each time I will have to cry about it until its all out. I just thought that once would be enough - obviously not.

It's still good to talk to you though - as long as no-ones getting bored yet.......

[HelensMelons]

Yes, of course, alypaly, I happened upon ADQ's op on saturday 5th sept.

Although a different experience than what has been shared in this thread, it reminded me of a stage in my life when I was unable to tie up emotions to events - the dissociation, iykwim.

When I first responded,I didn't want ADQ's thread to go unanswered, especially, not late on a saturday evening!

Good luck with your tile hunting tomorrow x

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion...
certainly not bored.I really feel for you.SERIOUSLY...if it helps,just writing....then write freely. I am not here to judge or anything like that and if you miss a few days and the thread gets lost just start it again and i will look for you...
Its horrible to be in the 'place' where you are at the moment,totally overwhelmed by these strange, strong emotions.It seems a very dark place at times and others around you are puzzled by the strength of emotions. It appears irrational, to others that episodes from the past can make you feel so "unwell", so long afterwards.

Did you say you were on any tablets for anxiety/depression or have you steered away from them?

[alypaly]

BTW ...........talking also helps me because,although i am now not 'ill' because of it all,i still do get flashbacks.They dont hurt quite so much now.Each conversation you have just releases a little more of the hidden pain and anger.

These flashbacks come when i see happy families,loving parents and grandparents,ABUSE ON TV, children or adults treated badly in any way.

I am sure you will come out of this a stronger and calmer person....but be patient...it takes a long time to truly come to terms with it all

[adelicatequestion]

Thanks alypaly

No not on any meds. Been there before and they didn't help. My thinking is I need to deal with the root cause, which I am doing now, painful though it is, it is the right way for me.

I too will be out looking for floor tiles this weekend - wanna fit them??!!!!!!lol

[alypaly]

ADQ you couldnt afford me LOL

[alypaly]

ADQ are you a SAHM or is it the day off?

You are dealing with it the right way by getting to the root cause,otherwise it will keep coming back.

Yeh.tablets didnt really help me either.
How is your sleep ,has it affected that.

Sleep is the one thing that has been affected long term for me. I find it difficult to go to sleep,to stay asleep ad impossible to get back to sleep if woken.
I actually sleep better on the settee..even tho it is only power naps

[adelicatequestion]

No, I'm at work!

My sleep is affected in that i wake up with panic attacks after dreams. I know I've had a dream but not what its about. I just feel shaky, panicky, sick etc.

When i do sleep, i sleep ok.

[alypaly]

must be a great job!

i had panic attacks which were worse at night.
Lucky you...wish i could have a good nights sleep even now.
wish i knew what was stopping me from being relaxed at night.

[adelicatequestion]

Yes- good job - I do what i want!

I went to a hypnotherapist recently and he identified what was stopping me from relaxing and it was linked to the abuse.

I am trying hard now to learn to relax generally. I find it hard to switch off.