Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

[alypaly]

me too. i am always on the go and try and keep myself busy. Wonder if its a form of self protection so i dont have time to sit and ponder.

[adelicatequestion]

Oh gosh. Session yesterday was hard and again I fell apart afterwards.

In some ways I could do with the therapists after a session to help process the crying and make sense of the feelings. I get so angry that they're not there when I really need them.

I clam up in the sessions and never cry in front of them, then it all comes out afterwards.

This I don't understand.

[twoisplenty]

I am the same I am the same. I can't give emotion to anyone, I can't let anyone see me cry. I can't even get the words out. But at home I am a mess. It's so frustrating isn't it? I emailed my counsellor this morning to tell her some thing that I couldn't say yesterday. Seems much easier that way. Is that possible with you?

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion...yes ,you are getting the same feelings i did.. i felt angry towards therapists and the process.
Have you always been afraid of showing your inner most feelings to anyone?

I was...i didnt want to wear my heart on my sleeve,never over emotional in public...always appeared to cope .no matter what...pillar of strength ...blah blah...but inside ..just falling appart and dying for someone to catch me when i felt like i was falling.

does that make sense to you.

[adelicatequestion]

Oh gosh yes

It is so much like me. I just want so much for someone in RL to notice my pain and give me a hug. But because of the facade I've built up, everyone thinks I'm strong and can cope with anything.

All the time inside I'm that little abused girl just screaming out for a cuddle and for someone to notice that something is wrong and hold me.

It's good you emailed your councellor twoisplenty. I had a conversation with my therapist and she said, the more detail you give me the more I understand what you need. This makes sense but doesn't make it any easier when you're not used to doing it.

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Your last post made me cry Adelicate...

I don't want to 'feel' anymore. I am on anti depressants and have created a nice little bubble in which I feel safe. I know if I come out I have to start facing somethings that I can't handle. I have a little girl of 7 and it breaks my heart to look at he and remember stuff I experienced when I was not much older than her.

I am starting Counselling because I don't want to be trapped anymore but it is the most frightening sensation.

Like most of you I could talk quite coldly about it, but there are times when it hits me like a tank and I feel like I am drowning in a whirlpool....

you are all so brave...

[alypaly]

TheMitsubishiWarrioress hello....we are a firndly bunch on here and its ok to talk and ask questions. If we can help we will.

[alypaly]

TheMitsubishiWarrioress..........anti depressants are only a temporary solution. Getting your head round everything is what to aim for. Tablets just lull you into a false sense of security longterm, but as a short term remedy they get you on an even keel.

[JeminTheDungeon]

Hi...just to say I remember how you feel..

Just give it time, work on it, etc...

I was angry and fucked up for a long time, but I started to work through the abuse when I was in my twenties...things changed again when I had children, I had to re-evaluate everything again and re-adjust, especially when my girls reached the age I was abused at(mine was sexual)

I do sometimes hate the legacy I was left with, but only I now can do something about it, and I do think I have, but it has taken a long painful time to come to the stage I am at.

Sometimes writing about it can help y'know, but I understand why you don't want to...but when the memories start to come...yes they can be overwhelming, they were for me, I felt like I was pole-axed by my memories.

I don't even know if this will help, just to let you know I was abused and I am ok now..sometimes it helps to know people can survive, work through it?

It has taken me an age to write this, sorry if it doesn't match to where the thread is at now!!

[adelicatequestion]

TMW - Welcome to the thread

I think there are many that suffered abuse and are now paying for it again in adulthood. I am finding it difficult to tackle the emotions and the memories, but I know its something I have to do. many times including today, I have considered giving up the therapy because it is too hard.

Not in the sessions but after. It's like there's noone there to cuddle me when I need it who understands what I'm going through.

JTD- It is so good to hear from you that it is possible to recover in some way. It gives me some hope to carry on with the therapy which is at its most difficult now.

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion...will DH not cuddle you when you feel like this?You are lucky..you have a husband..i am alone and have been for 15 years. I hate it. I always keep myself busy so i dont have time to ponder.

when i had my breakdown,when i was 33, i just felt like a little girl that needed a big mummy bear to come and protect me from all the horrible things and someone who could put me back together again. I felt a bit a bit like humpty dumpty.
I was afraid and alone with these scary overwhelming feelings.
Even a good friend would have helped.But there was noone.
I was actually frightened of the strength of my emotions too.
the panic attacks were awful too.

Why do we build this facade,we are our own worst enemies. I guess it must have been difficult for people to realise how much inner turmoil we were in,

[adelicatequestion]

DH will cuddle me, but I get so emotional and it hurts so much that I won't go home because I don't want the children to see me like this. I am talking real heart wrenching sobbing that I wouldn;t want them to see.

DH looks after the children while I go and hide somewhere on my own and cry it all out.

If it's late at night and they are all in bed then DH does a good job of cuddling me.

That's why I feel like I need a therapist there to help me process what I'm feeling and make sense of it.

But at the same time I know that's not what a therapist is there for, but all I want is a hug at those times and I suppose the mum and dad who didn;t do it all those years ago when I needed it.

[alypaly]

ADQ another similarity...my dad didnt cuddle me because he was a drunk and aggressive and my mum never cuddled me because she didnt know how to ,i think....i always wondered why even as an older woman why i used to feel envious of other women who were really kissy ,cuddly with their mums and dads and family ,yet i felt all alone.

[alypaly]

sometime when i look back ,deep down i think i wanted to be that little girl that fell over,just to see who would run and pick me up and that is how i felt when i had my breakdown due to all this rubbish

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Thank-you all.....it might be a while before I post again. I feel a bit sick. But it is good to know you are here. It can be such hard work and I am hoping the therapy and counselling will bring some mental freedom.

It is crap really. Such a painful legacy to leave somebody, like taking their future and putting a shadow on it before they have even begun to think about what it holds, or made their own mistakes. When I see my DD in situations that echo incidents in my past I have panic attacks and struggle not to over react. Sometimes wish I hadn't had a daughter even though she brings me such joy. Not that I am not aware that boys are equally as vulnerable, but it is hard not to transfer my own experience in my head....

Sorry not to comment on others posts. I have read them but am a bit overwhelmed. Have only ever talked of it to one person and I am afraid of falling apart.

[adelicatequestion]

Don't worry TMW. Post whenever and whatever you feel able to.

There is no rush or need to do anything you don;t feel ready to do.

It takes a long time and I am realising that.

[adelicatequestion]

I know exactly what you mean alypaly.

I remember hurting myself with the babysitter and crying and wanting a cuddle. What I got was abuse (sorry if TMI).

I am now very untrusting of men. Luckily I picked a gem in DH, but I tend to test them to make sure they will not hurt me before i fully trust them.

Almost withoug fail, every time I am upset or angry with therapist or after a visit, it is because i feel unloved, want a cuddle/hug or feel I am a nuisance to everyone.

[alypaly]

TMW...just look for our thread if you need to talk or start a new one when you feel like it.

ADQ you ARE loved by DH...is it that he doesnt show it the way that you want him to...
you are really lucky ....i am in a long term relationship with little emotion....we are just like good platonic friends and tbh there are no cuddles.
I have just put a wall up,that no one is going to get in....maybe thats a bit harsh but unless they are Mr right ,i cant let anyone in

[adelicatequestion]

AP

DH will give me whatever support, cuddles etc I need if i would let him.

I am getting better at letting him, but after DT were born he had an affair and I have never really got over it. I am getting there now with the therapist but still can;t really believe that he loves me.

There are many layers to the onion that is me and many layers that need unpeeling! I feel like a complicated mess of issues.

Still at least they are being dealt with now.

[adelicatequestion]

i think I've just realised that I was leaning too heavily on my therapist expecting them to come out to me when I was most upset and wouldn;t go home to DH.

I have been quite unrealistic with my expectations of what is reasonable for them to do.

I would go and be on my own, desperately wanting someone to notice my pain, call me, txt me to see if I was alright rather than just calling someone and telling them. How mad is that. I did call my therapist a couple of times in the midst of a particularly bad session of upset, but they just told me to go home. I wanted them to come and hug me and show me that they cared what was happening. But they didn;t and then I got angry with them.

How messed up and childllike am I?

How do you fill a gap like that - what do you do stop beeing that needy and always looking for hugs and support. Why can;t I do it on my own?

Too many questions I know. You don;t have to answer - just getting it written down will help I'm sure.

I'm feeling very sorry for myself today.

[twoisplenty]

Everybody needs love, support and hugs at every age, it's just that you need double the amount to make up for what you missed out on when you were younger.

But equally, I'm guessing it's so difficult to reach out and accept the support and love at the same time?

I think you are at a very difficult stage of therapy, where your emotions are strong, and it's difficult to see to the other side. But you will get there, where you will be able to accept love from those around you, especially your dh. Unfortunately, it will take time. It's agonising, isn't it?

It takes courage to get better, but you have that courage, keep going. Believe in yourself, you will get to a better place. Wishing you all the best.

[adelicatequestion]

Thank you so much twoisplenty for your kind and encouraging words.

I am trying to let people in but I find it so hard.

I think I do have the courage. I am angry with my therapist for not coming out to me but at the same time realise that it is not possible and not part of their remit.

Now I'm so embarassed and don;t want to make another appointment to face them. I feel like I've made a fool of myself admitting that I wanted them to come and be with me.

Tomorrows another day and hopefully things will calm down again.

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion ....thats what my ex did whn i was pregnant with DS2,he went off with his ex fiancee whilst i was pregnant...i lost total faith in him and it destroyed our relationship and i couldnt put the pieces back together.
I am now not with him and have never lived with anyone in the last 15 years.

The child in you is now calling out like it probably did from childhood. You have probably longed for hugs as a child, a teenager,a young adult and need it now. The feelings are no different whatever the age. We all need to feel loved and cared for.

People dont notice ou pain because we have been diguising it with that very clever facade and thats what people see. They see someone who can cope...not theone thats crumbling and crying out fot elp underneath.
They never see it until you hit the bottom rung of that ladder.
Trust is a difficult thing to get back, your DH disloyalty.
It isa betrayal of trust as was the abuse..there is your link...it is a betrayal of trust.

You seem to be getting to a similar stage where i was at my lowest eb when i actually had to say to my doctor and my partner'please ,please HELP ME'
It is not a failng to feel like this..please dont think that...you are at a really low ebb and the only way now is UP.

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion......it took you A LOT of courage to ring your therapist to ask her for help..I now know you have reached a turning point where you are now ready to open up and accept help. YOU WILL GET BETTER.

[adelicatequestion]

but alypaly they didn;t come through with the goods and now I've lost my trust in them.

Tonight I have been listening to songs on my ipod and cried my eyes out to a song called 100 tears away by Vonda sheppard. The words just summed up my empty heart.

I thought my therapist would understand the pain and be there and I'm gutted that they weren;t. I can;t do the emotions at a fixed time in the week. They should know that.

I've realised that whenever I needed someone to help me, no one ever has and I wanted the therapist to realise that and be there to hlep me, so I could say it had happened at least once.

How do you feel that void and be able to do it on your own?