so unhappy and i feel so guilty

[bini]

i have just had my second son who is now 7 weeks old. my eldest is 3. I had a terrible pregnancy because i didn't feel ready to have another baby and because my husband was so unsupportive and irresponsible, spending a lot of time out or in the pub. I felt trapped then and still do. The birth was traumatic, resulting in an emergency c-section because the cord was wrapped around babys head about three times. He is a very unsettled baby, not surprisingly, and i feel so guilty for what i must have put him through while i was pregnant because of the stress i was under. I feel i should have done something about it.

I get so angry and tearful all the time now and i feel terrible because i know it affects my children. I feel so unsupported and alone. my husband is marginally more helpful and isn't in the pub all the time now but somehow it all feels as if it has come too late.
i feel resentful towards my children and guilty at the same time because it's not their fault and i take it out on my eldest which i feel so bad about because i love him so much and i don't want to hurt him or mess him up. i feel like i am failing as a mother. i don't feel connected to ds2 and it hurts so much. i am breastfeeding and not enjoying it. my baby feeds all the time and is never satisfied, i'm worn out but i don't want to give up bf because i think that will make me feel even worse.
my husband works quite a lot and is understandably tired, but he sleeps pretty much all the time if he isn't at work and i don't think this is fair. i haven't had a lie in for about 3 years yet he gets at least one a week. i am so tired at the moment because i am up twice in the night and then up at 6am for ds1. i do pretty much all the cooking, cleaning etc and everything that requires responsibility to be taken (money etc). i don't think i'm being unreasonable in wanting a bit of support am i?
right now i feel like walking out the door and leaving everyone behind, but i couldn't do that to my children. i feel so lonely and isolated.

Hi all

Just found this thread. Sorry you are all feeling so down - but glad in another way as it makes me feel normal. Have ds1 nearly 3 and dd2 1 month, spent all of yesterday taking out my bad mood on ds and crying all day. I know the way I'm feeling is not his fault but he can be a real challenge sometimes and when he winds me up it lasts all day.

Wondered if I could have Postnatal Depression but do not feel like this all the time, although it is rapidly getting that way!!

Started this morning in a bit better mood but as soon as dd got hysterical wanting a feed I began to cry again. Husband is quite helpful with washing and gardening etc but that's about all. I feel a real failure as a mother and never dreamed having another child would make me feel like this as I wanted her so much.

DS at nursery today, so day is a bit easier but still I can't even muster up the energy to get changed an walk to shop for some fresh air - have no enthusiasm for life and everything is too much trouble.

There must be thousands of us out there who feel like this it's a pity we can't all get together ans support each other!

hi spilla. Sorry to hear you are feeling down. definitely sounds like post-natal depression to me. Try to talk to your HV or GP. I know what it's like when you just don't feel like going out but believe me if you can get out it really helps, even if it's only to the post box. Also you are less likely to shout at your kids when out. The crying and tantrums never seem to affect me in the same way when I'm out, somehow they are easier to deal with. Try to get to a park or somewhere green, that always helps me. Do you have any friends with kids you could visit, or could they visit you? When there are other kids about ds1 is never so much trouble plus I have another mother to talk to. Hope things get better for you

hi bini hi spilla yes ikwym about gettin out but i start panickin when i do get up i feel i have too quickly get out of house cant handle doin things it sounds ridiculous dosent it evry thing is an effort ,sounds good the groups, we are off too scotland near dumfries on saturday so am lookin forward too it but the thought of packin is just seems too much think i will just sling evry think in case thinkin of you all jolly xx

Sorry your having such a rough time of it, perhaps you should go to the doctors, if you're feeling so down, because the kids will pick it up.

I think you need to speak to your dh and let him know that you need more support from him and help. Your kids are very young still, i had this row last night with DH and i left it and left it and i was feeling so shit about it, i ended up shouting tears running down my face and after we talked things through, he said to me, 'why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way i didn't know',, you need to spell it out to him in black and white because they don't know whats in your head. Thats advice i have been given and it's right.

i am feeling so bad today. i hate myself for the way i feel. i'm always so angry and irritable all the time, espesially with ds1. i'm so scared i am going to really hurt him, i just want to stop feeling like this. i even feel irritable when he kisses me. i resent my life so much today and i just can't stop crying.
i resent my husband so much at the moment because i feel so unsupported by him. i can't rely on him to do anything. everything always has to be done as and when he feels like it. if things get too much for him he just dissapears out to the pub and leaves me to cope alone. i don't have that option. i feel so angry and trapped. i have tried talking to him but he doesn't seem to understand how i feel or he just gets angry. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't want to live my life like this but i don't want to leave him because of the kids.