<deep breath> Not sure I can do this again

[MerlinsBeard]

Went to Dr last week basically just hoping to come away with ADs and be left to my own devices. Ended up being in there half an hour while she was trying to decide if i needed a referral to ED clinic, counselling and possible admittance. The outcome was that i need to think about what I want and need. Trouble is, it was so bloody hard to be brutally honest about how i really feel and what i really eat/don't eat that I don't know if i can do it all again today (same Dr).

I have a depression questionnaire to fill in and return to her, which i will do honestly but if i am being honest with myself i am not sure i want help with my eating. i prob need it but don't want it...i know that that doesn't make sense unless you are me. I need help on the feeling low side i know that.

Just not sure i can open that door again when it was so damn hard in the first place !!

but i don't want to do one meal at a time that's the thing. At the moment i am happy restricting. I DO eat obviously or i would be shrivelling up and shrinking a hell of a lot faster.

A typical day would prob be breakfast (special K usually), if i have lunch its either "soup" or cup a soup and a slice of bread, and then a small low cal tea. If i am eating more i exercise more to balance it out.

Today i will have eaten around 900-1000 cals which, to me, is alot but in reality is only breakfast and a curry with rice a mini naan and a 2 bhaji's!

right then lady

one meal at a time is what we all do really. even me. tis not as if I eat my one-whole-days of food in one sitting, and I am damn sure you don;t.

one meal is all everyone has at a time. special K is fab. it has all the right stuff, plus milk. if I could eat it I would, but with soya it is foul, (so I have black coffee)

lunch...............soup is great

tea, well, I think that to have as much as your children is perfect. it is how much I have!

I do have wine tho which has 'empty' calories, which is how I am assuming I maintain my weight, altho I must admit it is not ideal.

I do ensure supplements tho. plus I have choc (thanks to muffingirl on here), and I have a favouring for carrot cake and bourbon biscuits

well today isn't going to be quite as many as 900 - i couldn't manage it all in the end.

I don't count drink calories so don't include alcohol in my tally

lol @ you giving me food advice!! Hmmm cup a soup is soup yes but my "soup" is just stock(9 cals)

(i fully expect lots of OMG are you stupid posts now but well, in for a penny for a pound)

At the moment (as in the last day or 2) i like my ED(is it still an ED if you don't have a problem with it?)

it is still an ED if you are losing weight and hiding it

for giving advice.

altho, that said (and cheeks red), I am at the moment pretty good and stable. mainly because I have had to ensure I am at that stage due to the DD's!

could you not have a tin of soup, or make your own??

I make leek and potatoe soup without any butter, cream, oil etc. the potatoes are carbs obviously, but the rest is stock and leeks (and garlic) so pretty free of cals, but full of vitamins and the potatoes help keep blood sugar stable so ensuring hunger-pangs are kept at bay

or is it potato

brian is wine-fueled

I do often make my own but would rather have 9 cals (and then the 100ish for bread) than more than that.

I know bog all about eds (well other than compulsive overeating...), but a few things you have written have struck a chord. When I was bad with OCD and depression when I was PG, at times I felt - why get better - all that means is I'll wash my hands less/be less hygienic - I think the depression makes you very blah/why bother about the other issues. I hope that the medication helps you feel better in general.

o-kay, I will give you that seeing as you have the bread.

I was shocked to find that noodles are really high in cals (and fat!) recently.

I don;t have noodle often, but when I have tonsilitis, I do like them. they are quite shockingly high!!

sorry to bring up noodles when we weren;t even discussing them

Noodles are yummy though.

Just posting to put this in my 'threads I'm on' since Flame thought we would mkae a good couple on her FB thing (really good reason I know )

Will try to have useful things to say at a later point, but wanted to say well done for going to the doctor.

And don't think of the eating disorder people as 'people who will make you eat'. They are doctors who will understand you far far better than a regular GP, that's why you need to go see them. All they want is for you to be healthy and happy, I promise.

i lurve noodles, the 19p ones are 117 cals

TC - It's nice in a way to know that what i feel is a real thing that other people feel to.