I am totally struggling today. Will someone just chit chat to me please.

[MuffinBaker]

Would be hugely appreciated.

Are you in bed? can you stick the heatingon?

Come and talk to me muffin

Myabe Muffin just needs a break from the thread... it's been 3 hours since she first asked for a chat.

We're here when you're ready to chat again!

just talked to dh

he says when I spend hours on the computer i come off more depessed as it gives me too much time to think about things. i can see his point as talking about this just makes me feel justified iyswim. i was already before i posted though.

i told him I wanted to kill myself and he says he feels helpless.

he is going for the kids soon. is looking for me some sewing to do before he goes,

Do you think hours on the computer makes you feel worse or better? Perhaps 2 hours on the PC is supportive for you, but 4 makes you feel stuck?

i enjoy it on here when I am well as it makes me feel like i am part of something

dh has gone and all i can think of is i have the house to my self.

I'm sure your DH doesn't know what to do it must be overwheling for him...does he have any support?

What support do you have apart from DH?

Good that you enjoy it here.

When are the kids back?

no other rl support

kids will be home anytime from 40 minutes onwards

Message boards are deceptive like that though; they make you feel part of something but they don't ask anything of you and more importantly they don't give anything back...you can come away from them feeling more lonely and isolated in some ways, because the interaction is all on one level. Talking to real people, friends or whoever, pushes you to examine yourself, defend yourself, explain yourself, whereas interacting on message boards is completely controllable by you. And sometimes that isn't the best thing.

It is all I have though.

If you really are in a place to try and get better and improve things then please find some RL support for you AND your DH.

If you are not in that place please find some help even quicker.

He doesn't understand, and doesn't understand how being on here helps.

Totally agree with cyteen

It doesn't have to be all you have. You ahve your DH, he is still there, he still loves you.

I know, but he can't help me.

I love him so much, he deserves a better wife. He didn't sign up for all this.

No he can't but he will be there for you, all he needs is for you to take that step to get help

just read the whole thread andwhilst you are obvisouly not in a good place at the moment, only you can change that.

Firstly, you need to take all the positive things in you life and hang on to all of that. You have a DH who loves you, and cares for you. You have those little DC who love you and need you. That is something that you will find you have that many others on here don't have.

Remember that when you feelo you need to end it all. Your DH has been a real brick, many men would have walked away. Your DC are healthy. Be thankful for that.

As cyteen speaks from experience, and I admire her for posting on this. The DC will NEVER EVER be better off without you. Do not think otherwise. Did you say 20 years on Cyteen you still are suffering from the effects of what happend to you .

Remember your Nana, how you felt when she was taken from you Muffin, the loss you feel and this was when she had no control over her death. Would you really want your DC to go through all that, knowing you had a choice?

I am posting this purely to help you see reason. Nothing else. Please take on board what others have said, and remember all the above when you feel there is nothing to live for.

I totally get you ps. And the things about my nana has never been said before. I guess it is my lack of esteem and confidence that makes me believe the kids would be better off without me.

I also feel I have no strength but then I think about what I have survived and maybe I could do it. Todays upset can't be worse than other stuff I have been through -

brought up in care
numerous moves
all kinds of abuse you can imagine
no support
no life skills given

I am sorry you have been through all of this, truly I am, but you can make a change and move on from that past. It takes time but it is very possible.

What you don't want is history to repeat itself and leave 3 little ones growing up wondering if they did something that caused you to feel like this. The thought of their future suffering should and will help spur you on to getting through this.

Muffin, that's it, look how far you've come! You have had days worse than today I'm sure, and come through them - you can get through this one too.

The fact you are here, taking about this means there is something there that is wanting to 'change' (prob. not the right word but I am crap with words ) . I find for me what can help is imagine I am 'normal', how I really hope I'd be and tiny step by tiny step work towards that. The first few are the hardest, and I go back to square one time and time again but each time I find I get a little further and for a little longer. I don't know how you are so may be giving the wrong advice... Have you had counselling?

Yes, but have never been able to say what needs to be said, for a variety of reasons. I have my first psychotherapy appt in just over 2 weeks.

I am waiting for someone to go home and then I am taking a step to making things easier for me.

I can't tell you how much it means to have you all give me the time of day.

I think you are right with the steps thing.

I do have times where I feel happy and strong but it scares me (too unknown) but I don't know how to keep going and not get scared with it all.

Muffin just popped back in - you are sounding much better. What's your step going to be? You don't have to say.
I am about to take a step to make my life easier - going to attack my bedroom with a bin bag for about 10 minutes!
I'll pop in again later.