Please help me

[whatsername]

I didn't want to do this. I wasn't going to post here, but I don't know what else to do. I should change my name but you will all know who I am anyway.

I can't go on. I have finally reached the point of no return and I just can't carry on any more. I have just cut my wrists - superficially but the vein was just there and it would have been so easy. At least then someone could help me. I've cut myself for years, but never told anyone. It's never been for attention but now I know I need help and I don't know where to turn.

I can't just keep getting up in the morning and pretending everything is alright. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't want to leave my kids. I don't know how to carry on. The idea of having to face tomorrow is too much.

I know you're all going to tell me to go to the dr but I can't. I don't want to go on ad's. I spent most of my adolsecence on them and I don't want to go back. I don't want medication, I don't even take pills for a headache, I don't want to put chemicals in my body. And I don't want counselling, I can't sit and talk to a stranger. I can't do this. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't know what's triggered it tonight. It just seems so endless. I keep promising myslef that it's going to change, that I'm going to change and then it doesn't. It's the same old cycle. Ds being difficult, me yelling and then feeling bad and crying.

I know I'm going to have to go to the dr, but the thought of having to say this to my gp, makes me feel sick.

Home from work now - haven't got much to add that hasn't been said, apart from you say you can't see how things can get better, but that's because you're not well sweetheart.

Have you got someone you can ring to come to be with you?

Whereabouts in the country are you? Are there any MNetters nearby?

Big huggy hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx

mts, I was on ad's for several years between the ages of about 11 and 14 or 15. It wasn't a bad experience as such I just hated taking them. I did have a 'relapse' when I came off them too quickly. I just hate the thought of having to rely on drugs.

somebodyelse, I generally am fairly healthy. I eat well, and stopped drinking a few months back when I realised it was becoming a crutch. I wasn't drinking excessively, just regularly and starting to want a drink in the morning as well as in the evenings. I've had my first drink for months tonight, only one and after cutting my wrists rather than before It's not just that I've had too much, honestly. Sleep is a problem. I'm sitting up half the night and then hating myself in the morning. I know that has to change but I don't know how. No matter what good intentions it never seems to happen.

in that case i think you just need to go to the gp- can you write down what you want to say first- that may help.
Also- can you break the insomnia cycle somehow? Maybe by getting someone to look after the kids overinght for a night- your mum or a friend maybe? Then get a solid 12 hours. I'm not trying to trivialise the way you are feeling-I've been there believe me- but it could bring you up out of the ditch and help you see over the edge a little bit IYSWIM- enough to decide how you are going to deal with this.

Can you try going to bed now and seeing how you feel in the morning? If you've had more sleep, things will seem less impossible, I'm sure. I'm sure that there's a way back up again for you, hun. You have two beautiful children who love you very much, however awkward they can be.

Can you call your mum, honey? Am I right in remembering that you're pretty close? Maybe she could give you some support or take the bairns for a few days while you get sorted with some treatment and rest.

I think you're ace and always have. An absolutely wonderfully engaging and intelligent woman with masses of potential and charm. So I'm going to be direct and not beat about the bush, even though you may not like it and have said already it's not the advice you want. I'm ignoring that- what you want isn't what should guide you right now. You have to think of what you and your kids need. And what you all need is a well you. No one else will measure up for your kids. No one, absolutely no one, can measure up to a good enough mum who loves the pants off you. And it's so clear that you do just that for your children.

So get yourself to the doctor. If you feel you are suicidal right now wake the kids, wrap them up warmly and go to A & E. If you can't get there easily call an ambulance. If you are ok for tonight, have a hot milky drink and go to bed. Go to the GP first thing tomorrow.

I'm thinking of you, babe. And I will be furious if you don't take my advice! (There's a motivator, eh?) Take care. Depression is a vile illness but there's lots that can be done and you owe it to yourself and your family to do it. You're far too fab to lose, frankly.

where abouts do you live, is there someone who could go with you to your gp?

You say you were on ad's for a faily long period during your teens - if you suffer depression and you have suffered in the fairly long term would it help you if you thought of it as something you need medication for... probably not explined very well but for instance people with diabetes have to take insulin - they live a pretty much norml life but thay have to take insulin to enable that. There's nothing wrong with them, they just need insulin - there's nothing physically wrong with you just need something to help you out occassionally.

god I hope I'm not talking rubbish - I certainly hope I'm not making things worse! I just think that's how I would look at it. take care x

I'm going to go to bed now. Work out what I'm going to do in the morning. Thank you all for listening.

Scummymummy - what a wonderful post

Whatsername - you should listen to scummymummy - she's talking sense!!

whatsername, i thought it was aspergers but didnt want to make assumptions, i can completely understand that you must feel desperate when your ds isbeing difficult, do you receive any support at all in that dept?I too have suffered from clinical depression on and off for years and also pnd. however I have lots of health issues which dont help matters and also lost a baby a couple of days ago.how do you feel about going to the gps in the morning at least?

Can't add anything to that advice- i agree with every word. Sensible scummymummy!
Also- don't worry too much about having the kids taken away- they really will only do that in extreme circumstances (eg if you seriously tried to harm them)and do everything they can to keep families together.

It is true, no one will take your kids away, honestly, the only aim is to get you feeling like life is worth living again.

so go to the gps tomorrow and sleep well, we're thinking of you sweetheart.

Scummy, thank you for that lovely message. Yeah, my mum is really good, but she's got too much on at the moment. When I've hinted that I'm struggling I just get the response 'you're doing fine' I think she doesn't want to face up to it either. She's of the 'ignore it and it will go away' school of thought.

Villageidiot, you're not making things worse at all, you talk a lot of sense. I will go to my GP. I think I'm going to have to accept that ad's have a part to play in getting better for now.

Oh spacecadet, I'm so sorry. Thank you for taking the time out to listen to me whine while you must be going through hell yourself.

No support with ds as they won't diagnose him. I'm certain that is the problem though. It's just such a struggle getting through the day with him sometimes.

Right, I am going to bed now. Thank you all so much.

Nite nite!

I really hope you feel a tiny better in the morning

Night sweetheart. Sleep well. Well done for deciding to go to the GP tomorrow. Let us know how it goes. xxx

just pooped on before bed...im sure many others(me included) have felt in some way what you are feeling now. i do have a partner, but still i find parenthood incredibly hard to deal with and have also at times wanted it all to end , but wont because i couldnt leave my beautiful daughter. and although it will get better i can understand you cant see that at the minute, but if you go to docs first thing,(try and get children looked after and book a double appointment), just tell him what youve told us(about yourself, not your children), wether it be ad's or counselling/psychiatric help(dont be ashamed, i have it)^someone6 is there to try and help you, if you have someone there to confide in, then you wont be building up your worries and will feel better in time.
i really hope you get some help in morning honey, look after yourself and your two little (although difficult) darlings.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Very sorry you are going through this, but glad you are listening to advice - especially the scummyones.
FWIW - I think you are a wonderful mother, intelligent and articulate. And I am sure that this is just a blip (albeit a pretty huge one)that you will get over with the right support. And your GP will not judge you - he is there to help, and will have heard much worse before.

Whatsername....living life with a child who has AS is difficult....I know....I live it everyday. Please please promise to see the GP TODAY. There are services available to help and support you through this.
Sending you massive hugs.....
Jaysmumxxxxx

Hi whatsername, I came here to see how you are this morning. I didn't realise you had an AS diagnosis for your boy, that must be hard. Are you going to see your GP this morning? I echo everything the scummyone says. x

Watsername. Just a post to say hi, and hope you are feeling maybe even the tinyest bit better this am, and I'm thinking of you. I had PND and remember absolutely HATING the idea of taking ad's but in retrospect they helped. Hope you manage to get to the docs today - let us know how it goes? Hugs and good luck.

Message withdrawn

hello whatsername, I have just read this thread, and I know it will stay with me all day. I will be thinking of you, hoping you have reached out for help.

I had no idea whatsername was you, sg. From reading your messages over the years, you have my admiration. You have always struck me as someone who has really well thought out viewpoints on life, who doesn't follow the herd, but is prepared to discuss, in a very open way without getting angry and defensive, with others who may have different views. I hazard a guess that in real life, you are a very good listener. I hope this openness helps you look at what people have said here and get the real life help you need.

I really feel for you about your son. You say you are sure he has AS, but they refuse to diagnose it as such. I can see from reading of other people's struggles, getting diagnosis and support can be soul destroying work. I have also seen how some mumsnetters have really helped other mumsnetters find the riqht people and organisations to ask and have got things moving for them. Please, as part of your help-seeking mission, make use the grass roots expertise of parents of AS children here on mumsnet.

I may be wrong here, but since you have had children, how many professionals have you relied on to help you? I know you would have gone to the gp, but as you home educate, you have presumably not relied on teachers much, if at all. I know you have had a very difficult experience with your own school, and you strike me as being very well equipped to home educate. I bet you do a brilliant job of it, I honestly do. But it must be a lonely burden. As your children don't have teachers, how much recent experience have you had of seeing how other people can influence things for the better. Believe me, they can. They can help you live the life you want to live, support you and your children, support your decision to home educate, and their help and input will show you that you are a lovely, good, caring mother and person in your own right.

Please take care of yourself.