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Original poster

Please help me

122 replies

whatsername · 20/03/2005 20:34

I didn't want to do this. I wasn't going to post here, but I don't know what else to do. I should change my name but you will all know who I am anyway.

I can't go on. I have finally reached the point of no return and I just can't carry on any more. I have just cut my wrists - superficially but the vein was just there and it would have been so easy. At least then someone could help me. I've cut myself for years, but never told anyone. It's never been for attention but now I know I need help and I don't know where to turn.

I can't just keep getting up in the morning and pretending everything is alright. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't want to leave my kids. I don't know how to carry on. The idea of having to face tomorrow is too much.

I know you're all going to tell me to go to the dr but I can't. I don't want to go on ad's. I spent most of my adolsecence on them and I don't want to go back. I don't want medication, I don't even take pills for a headache, I don't want to put chemicals in my body. And I don't want counselling, I can't sit and talk to a stranger. I can't do this. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsername · 20/03/2005 21:32

I have to be up early in the morning as dd has playgroup. I have to go and put on a face and pretend everything is fine.

It's just all got too much. Ds's behaviour is getting worse not better. I just feel like we're getting somewhere and it all goes wrong again. And I am yelling at him all the time and he doesn't deserve it. He is such a sweet, loving little boy. We used to be so close and I feel like I just can't reach him anymore. Sometimes he's fine, a normal, happy little boy, but the rest of the time it's like i'm hitting my head against a brick wall trying to talk to him.

It's all spiralling out of control. I can't even control myself

OP posts:
romantick · 20/03/2005 21:36

if you fancy chatting on messenger my email is
[email protected]

fatbetty · 20/03/2005 21:37

If there are other mums at the playgroup, tell them what is going on and your frustrations!! Don't put on a face and act like everything is alright - they will listen.

soapbox · 20/03/2005 21:38

Whatesrname - but this is the same little boy who wanted to help the children on comic relief day

What would you change about his behaviour - and how much is down to him and how much down to how you feel at the moment??????

sansouci · 20/03/2005 21:40

Forget putting on a face! Get help NOW!

TheVillageIdiot · 20/03/2005 21:41

Hi Whatsername,

I don't know you so I obviously don't know what else is going on in your life but I am a single mum so I knonw it can be hard sometimes. Especilly at night once the kids are asleep and there's nothing but 4 walls and boring/tedious task that you could perform simply to pass the time but just can't be bothered.

Anyway sorry if this doesn't make sense had more than a little to drink - just wanted to add a comment after reading your thread. imvho there's always another way. You just have to force yourself through each day and eventually the days get a little better and become a little less of a struggle.

If you are seriously thinking about putting a pillow over your kids faces though you really need to be calling somebody. If you want to chat I have email but not msn - yet.

Take care - things really do look better in the morning (if only slightly). Thinking of you {hugd}

fatbetty · 20/03/2005 21:42

There is a hotline for parents (Parentline Plus - 0808 800 2222) that is available 24/7. Here is the blurb on their website and maybe they would be able to help you too with your son.

"our free confidential helpline is staffed by trained volunteers, all of whom have parenting experience.We offer information and support, and the chance to talk through the issues facing parents."

I know our children can push all our buttons at times, but don't give up!!! Get a good night rest and you'll feel lots better in the morning.

Original poster
whatsername · 20/03/2005 21:44

Yeah, the same little boy. This is what I mean, he's like 2 different people.

I know part of the problem is down to me, but he has AS, and the behaviour is so bloody impossible to work out. One minutes he's fine, the next he's on a completely different planet. I should be able to understand, he is so like me in so many ways, and I think the problems are much the same as the ones I suffered, but I just don't know what to do with him. And I hate myself for losing my temper and shouting at him all the time. I guess that will get better once I get sorted out, but the behaviour itself won't, and it;s the thought of another day facing that I can't cope with.

OP posts:
sansouci · 20/03/2005 21:45

Whatsername, thevillageidiot puts it perfectly! As bad as it seems now, it will get better. I know this.

Dior · 20/03/2005 21:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
whatsername · 20/03/2005 21:49

Yeah, I know you're right villageidiot and sansouci. I'm not sure I seriously could hurt my kids - well I didn't, I thought it but I couldn't hurt them. I love them so, so much. I don't know how it can get any better, what's going to change? What is the point when it's such a struggle?

OP posts:
Spacecadet · 20/03/2005 21:49

whatsername, the lovely mumsnetters will help you as much as they can but you need to get some rl help aswell, if you are contemplating suicide or possibly contemplating puttimg a pillow over your childrens faces then you need to be seen by someone as you are obviously clinically depressed, if you can go to bed andget some sleep phone your gp tomorrow and ask for an urgent appt andtell your gp exactly how you feel, if your gp suggests ads then tell him/her that you would also like a referral to the community mental health team as it is imperative that you get to the underlying cause of yourdepression.Your children need their mum, please dont do anything silly.

swedishmum · 20/03/2005 21:49

Hello whatsername
It all makes my dodgy Friday home edding seem very shallow.
Think of your children (you obvously do all of the time) - if you want to cat me do so every morning and I'll try to send you positive vibes from Sweden. I just wish I was nearer and your children could come to my school of mum for the morning while you do something solely for yourself. My kids are older (8,9 and 11) I am a teacher (primary plus secondary music) so if I can help in any practical way, do let me know.

Spacecadet · 20/03/2005 21:51

sorry to sound thick but what does AS stand for??

Enid · 20/03/2005 21:52

perhaps you are letting your imagination run away with you and dwelling on what might happen if you were the kind of person that would do that (harm your kids?)

Original poster
whatsername · 20/03/2005 21:54

Thank you so much for all your kind words, all of you, I really don't feel like I deserve it. I try so hard to be a good mum, but my kids deserve so much better than this. I want them to remember a happy childhood.

Spacecadet, Asperger syndrome.

OP posts:
Dior · 20/03/2005 21:54

Message withdrawn

rickman · 20/03/2005 21:54

Message withdrawn

TheVillageIdiot · 20/03/2005 21:55

Can I ask why you are prepared to self harm but not take ADs or talk to a councellor?

Is it because you can hide your self harming from others and still pretend everything is ok? It's just that if it is - you can hide taking ADs from people (if you feel the need)

To be honest I don't think you would harm your kids - I think if you were at that point you'd be past the point of posting on some website.

Has there been a particular trigger today that has made you feel so bad?

prettyfly1 · 20/03/2005 21:56

Hi Mate.

As a long term sufferer of clinical depression i can understand what you are talking about. I will say this too you though. If one of your children had the flu you would give them medicine and care for them and feed them chicken soup and do all the other things we need to make us better when we are ill. You are depressed. Its a chemical imbalance and an illness just like the flu. Your feelings of desperation and misery are symptoms of that and they CAN change. Only you can do that and accepting that you need help is the bravest and toughest thing you will ever do, but once you have it will get better and by taking tiny, slow baby steps back to recovery gradually you will see some light at the end of the tunnel. Many many depression and ex depression sufferers refer to it as the "black dog" because it hangs over you. Bear in mind you dont have to live like you are and neither do your little ones. Suicide or harming youre babies is not the way to change it though. Breaking down, acknowledging that something is making you want to hurt yourself and that you have a real illness IS. Please please dont give up - you have so much to try for.

Original poster
whatsername · 20/03/2005 21:57

Enid I don't know. I was just looking for a way out. I thought of suicide but I couldn't leave them without parents. I wondered if I could do it. I don't know if I could, I hope not, but who know's when you're desperate.

I don't think I really want to die, but I don't really want to live right now either. I just need a way out.

OP posts:
Enid · 20/03/2005 22:00

you don't want to die. you don't want to hurt your kids. Be kind to yourself. Make a drink, go to bed, keep telling yourself that you don't want to die, you don't want to hurt your kids.

Log in in the morning.

soapbox · 20/03/2005 22:01

Whatsername - what will change if you are brave enought to take the step is not life itself but your reaction to life. As someone has already said you have a chimical imbalance in your brain that is making you view things a bit skewy!

With the right medication and counselling you can change the way you see the world and how you respond to it!

Its got to be worth a try hasn't it!

mummytosteven · 20/03/2005 22:02

whatsername - agree with everyone else that you do need to seek medical help as soon as. feelings of hopelessness are part of the disease; that's in part I guess why you are resistant to taking ADs. have you had bad experiences with ADs in the past? there are lots of different medications out there; if you've had bad experiences of ones in the past, steer clear of that type, and you can try something else.

re:counselling - a community mental health team should be able to offer more practically focussed help/"talking cures" whatever. I've had a dire GP counsellor in the past - but I then saw a brilliant clinical psych for CBT. Don't let one dodgy counsellor put you off.

somebodyelseelse · 20/03/2005 22:04

Whatsername, i am a regular mn but have changed my name for obvious reasons.
As someone who was an inpatient in hospital for depression when i found out i was pregnant i can totally empathise with you. I was on antidepressants and antipsychotics and as soon a s i knew i was preg i just wanted rid of all the chemicals.
I haven't suffered from depression as seriously since (3 years ago) and i think it is due to the following:
I made sure i got enough sleep by going to bed early
I made sure i ate PROPERLY and loads of good stuff
I stopped drinking alcohol

I had made three suicide attempts and i still have scars on the insides of my wrists where i did exactly the same as you but i have got through this.
I am not saying don't go to the docs- i think you should, and i did discuss all this with my doctor, but what i am saying is that there may be another way for you to work this out.