Think I'm depressed after returning to full time work

[BouncingTurtle]

I was assessed for PND couple of months after DS was born as I felt really stressed and tearful, was having problems with coping with ds crying lots and other things. I was on weekly visit from my lovely HV, but started feeling better.
However have been feeling very down since returning to work, at first put it down to the adjustment of going from being a SAHM back to full time employment, but still feeling down.
Some days I feel ok, but some days I feel horrible, really emotional, not able to deal with any kind of conflict or criticism without dissolving into tears. I have been having panic attacks driving to and from work and some times at work as well.
I've spoken to my boss as well and I think he thinks I'm not performing as expected, my job is quite stressful and will not be getting any easier - it'll be getting more so as we come under closer scrutiny from various external agencies, plus I have more staff to be responsible for. He is quite concerned about me and I know he has always rated me very highly.
I've made some mistakes in my work due to not being able concentrate properly as well as I find I cannot focus properly on the job.
Some of this is due to the fact my son is in full time nursery and I feel terrible about this - I know he is absolutely fine and loves it but I am missing him so much
Plus the long drive and nursery pick up causes me stress as well, I am doing a 70 mile round trip every day through some very busy traffic and I'm terrified of getting in an accident as I have to go through a notorious accident black spot every day during rush hour. I've always loved driving and have been a confident & careful driver, but there are days when I'm almost scared to get behind the wheel of my car.
I know one solution is to find a job nearer to home, with fewer hours but I am also feeling very down and under confident about myself. But I'm also worried about money issues, if I stop working or go part time we have to ensure that we still have enough money to pay the bills - and we are down to the essentials - we've never had or wanted sky, very few nights out due to lack of family/friends to do childcare, only holiday is to Spain to visit my dad and rest of his side of the family.
I've been told that my job is full time so they won't let me work part time (been through the flexible working request procedure).
Sorry this has turned a bit rambly and thanks for reading.
Just wanted some help/advice/opinions from people who have been in a similar situation.
TIA

BT, the closest analogy I have is what I felt after my ex-H left me when DD1 was just over a year old. I can only second what MacD and Skid have said. The most difficult thing is to isolate individual issues so that you can tackle them. And its very hard to do this when you're feeling depressed. The black cloud needs to lift just a little. For some people ADs help (I didn't go down that route), for others counselling, for others a complete change of scene.
I'm a pretty analytical sort of person so what I did was:

• Keep a diary recording how I was feeling (not what was happening around me, how I was feeling. I burned this after I filled the book as I didn't want to go back and read it later and start the cycle over!)
• Write a list of options and the pros and cons associated with each
• Go back and analyse my expenditure over the past 2-3 months and work out what was affordable and what wasn't.

As a result of this I ended up selling my house, down-sizing then buying a 2nd weekend cottage where I could escape with DD1.
I only kept this house for 18 months before reversing the process but by then I felt like I'd made a complete break from what was "wrong" with things when I felt my worst. i.e. that I'd completely taken control of my life and taken actions in the best interests of DD and me.

HTH xxxx

A seventy-mile round trip car journey in heavy traffic every day . This is not sustainable. You really must change the logistics of your life.

Anna - I wish it was that easy
Moving is NOT an option - Dh works 50 miles in the oppposite direction to me (but he has a company car so at least it's not costing him any money and he doesn't mind the drive).
Besides it is a terrible time to be selling ad I like our house and where we live.
I think we have decided that it is best I leave and then look for something else closer to home.

Buzzy - there are some excellent suggestions you have, that was really helpful!

OMG - how did you get into this situation? You probably don't have real mental health problems but you have serious lifestyle stressors, that's for sure.

I know it's a bad time to sell so you won't be able to improve the logistics of your life quite yet but please believe me when I say that the two of you working full-time so far from home is just appalling.

Please try to visualise the two of you working two miles from home, with a nanny at home for your DC. Would you feel less stressed?

Anna - I'm not sure what you mean by how I got myself into this situation??
We used to live not far from where I work but my dh worked from home. He then got promoted to a head office job 80 miles from where we lived. So we decided to move to approximately half way between his work and mine.
You are not telling me anything I don't know!

And yes I am concerned about my mental health because last night ds work up at 10am, he hurt me during feeding by pressing down hard on my nipples with his teeth. I kept taking him off to correct his latch and he just becme hysterical and started slapping at me. I found this so distressing that I got really angry with him and up sobbing on my bed last night while he screamed in his cot because I shouted and swore at him to fucking shut up. At one point I wanted to hurt him because I was so frustrated with him. However I didn't.
I was at my wits end because over an hour after he first woke up he still wouldn't go back to sleep and just cried and cried.
My poor baby needed me and I was just horrible to him
Dh was out last night and he managed to settle him when he got home.

BT some very un MN like hugs

Thanks. Felt pretty crappy last night, did wonder why I ever thought I could be a mum.
I know ds won't remember it but I do

BT I was remembering last night how when DD1 was about 2 she was painting and I was on the compputer (I was pretty low at the time) - and she put hands full of paint on the walls (because I wasnt watching her) - I dragged her into the bathroom scrubbed her hands all the time screaming like a wild banshee at her and she sobbed and sobbed
Even now I feel heartbroken at the memory and a bit tearful even now - suffice to say when I asked her she doesnt recall at all and though it hysterical that I did and was so upset - she is a lovely, loving well balanced little girl and we have a fab relationship
It damages us more than them - as someone who has been there and come through, all I can say is hang on in there it will get better!

Hi Bt apologies if I am coming to this thread late, just saw the link from the PN thread.

As you know I have been back full time for just about as long as you so I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from. I have been in tears many times over things that wouldn't normally trouble me, my work is definitely suffering and I just have a horrible underlying feeling of sadness all of the time from missing DD so much.

HOWEVER I have 2 major circumstances which are allowing me to cope - 1st, DH works shifts and takes DD a LOT - at other times she goes to a granny (both our parents are local). So in other words she is never with a CM or in a nursery, not yet anyway.

2nd, it literally takes me less than 5 mins to drive to work - I work roughly 8.30 to 5pm but that means I leave at 8.25 and get home at 5.05!

I know if it wasn't for these things I would not be coping as well as I am (and sometimes I feel like I am not coping at all) - if I was doing the commute and dd was in nursery I think it would be a totally different story.

In fact a few years ago I totally changed my job etc and swore I would never have a long commute again - it was ruining my quality of life, I was stressed and having panic attacks and the commute was a major factor - and that was pre-DD! It's a total killer.

However - if you're still with me! - I think it can be too easy for people to suggest you change your circumstances - sometimes it's just not possible - at least not immediately. I know full well how miserable it is to be financially tied into working FT. It makes me so annoyed when people suggest I go part time - like oh why didn't I think of that! Oh yes - because then we won't be able to pay the mortgage...

Have I actually offered any advice here?!! Buzzy has made some very sensible suggestions.

When the climate is a bit better could the 3 of you move closer to your DH's work, if you had the money to tide you over until you found a job? Presumably he has a long day with the commute too, so if you both worked in the same area, and lived there too you'd both be home earlier?

It's late, I'm not making sense, but just wanted to send (ssh!) hugs and hope that things improve.

UPDATE : Well I am now off sick. Had a breakdown at work over something so stupid and trivial that in the past would have just annoyed me. I was in my office crying and shaking, feeling sick and at one point I was struggling to breathe. So I rang my nice HV (who is moving to a different area!) and she got me an appointment with the nurse practitioner, who has advised me to sign myself off for now. She has made me an appointment to see a GP next Wednesday and then see how I get on.
But atm I'm just staying at home. Ds will be going into nursery on some days while I am off but for shorter days while I get myself sorted, I'm going to go down to the local job centre and get some advice.
My boss asked me to ring him on Friday to see how I am...

Thanks Caz, it's good to know that someone else understands how that there can be solutions but putting them into place isn't that easy! The ultimate plan would be to move further south but we're not planning to do that for a few more years.