Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

and agree with Blu - could DH shout and growl at them to get you the appointment?

CBT is cognitive behaviour therapy, KM. sort of more practically focussed than just asking you about your childhood iynwim.

cognitive therapy gets you to critically examine your beliefs about yourself that are making you unhappy - to help stop you going down the road of "I'm useless/every hates me" etc.

behaviour therapy can be about getting you to conquer fears/phobias by exposing you to them in a structured/controlled way, to get your mind used to dealing with a relatively small amount of anxiety - sort of using fear to conquer fear.

WWB - if you don't mind me asking, why did psych not think CBT is appropriate?

I certainly think you are v wise to avoid outrageous other GP!

Hang on in there over the w/e WWB - will DH be home? Can he set up some good distractions for you - go to see a film?

Oh, WWB, I'm so sorry. Please try to get in with him as soon as you can. I really believe that if they can get the meds right you will feel better. Be v upfront and honest with them as to how you are feeling. This is a serious medical issue and they should respond to it that way. Sending long distance good wishes for you. Remember to take it an hour at a time!

Out for the day restoring cast iron water pipes, and also needed to address an errant bear in London Zoo, so couldn't post earlier.

Only thing under stones is toads, dear. Not a place for you. You'd have to eat worms, and possibly slugs and who wants to eat a slug ?

I'd rather have some of them banana muffins.

OK. The GP is ill, can't help that, and the other one ain't for you.

I think the 2 week wait ain't for you either. So, using my incredible powers of logical deduction, we have but one choice:

Yes, it's the telephone shuffle. The way it works is you find out what time they need you to call. Say 08:30 AM.

You put your TV on teletext (to see accurate time) and gather a house phone and a mobile or two if you've got them. At 8:29 you start ringing on phone 1. 8:29:30 try phone two and 8:30 you try phone 3.

One of them will be answered and I expect you will get an emergency slot either same day, or within a day or two. Check that your GP has turned up for work if you don't want to see anyone else.

Basically, either you do this or dh (personal bear-grappler to the stars) can do it for you. Believe me, you don't want KangaMummy phoning up and boring the receptionists senseless about Volvo geartronic automatic transmissions.

There was also an offer in an earlier post to assist you if you feel crap or can't find your phone cos you left it under the stone and now the battery's dead.

If they hold no surgeries over the weekend, begin Monday.

This'll give you plenty of time for some nice long walks which you owe yourself, and I understand dh will be back from work trip. Maybe you could have a good old chat 'n all ? Did you get your thermos yet ?

Come on, WigWam, your plan to conquer all this shit isn't going to go sailing off into the sunset just cos your GP's gone and got a dose of Bird Flu is it ? Purlease.

Put the stone down and walk away from car with your hands up. Make yourself a drink of something warm and pleasant like Early Grey Peppermint Tea, and plan your weekend with the family and your Monday morning strategy.

And don't say you haven't got a teapot, cos we all know that's porky pies, eh, calendar girl

Earl grey peppermint tea?
yeeeeeugh!
I LIKE your telephone shuffle technique, tho' Hub2Dee - great tip!
he's good,isn't he WWB?

only letting you crawl off under a stone if it's with a decent book/video/laptop with internet connection

you're only allowed the very best sort of stone, you know! stone with ensuite, broadband and deluxe moss...

Sorry, I just can't shake myself out of it today. It's not just the fact that I couldn't see the GP; I woke up this morning and the clouds had gathered again, the GP thing was just the icing on the cake. I don't want to eat slugs (vegetarians don't do that kind of thing) but at the moment I don't want to come out either. I'm just about keeping things together today for my dd, but inside I'm already under that stone (call me toadie if you want, h2d, ribbet ribbet).

There are no surgeries until Monday, but I promise that I will be on the telephone at 8.30 on Monday morning and see what I can do. They release additional morning appointments on a daily basis so there is a chance that I can bring the appointment forwards.

Oh WWB I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you

Possibly the clouds had gathered because you knew you were taking steps towards sorting stuff out. Handling this kind of stuff is pretty stressful. It takes guts and determination just when finding those things can be most difficult.

But believe me, you ain't gonna find that under a bleeding stone.

(Toad eating badger just wobbled by...)

BTW, did you notice that you've just transitioned from seeing the doc in two weeks to telephone shuffle at 8:30 on Monday morning ?

How's that for progress ?

You will work slowly to rebuild everything around you. And you've already started.

Oh WWB - I'm so sorry. You take care of yourself, just get throught the weekend...(((HUGS)))

I know you're right (at least the rational bit that resurfaces every now and again knows that you are) but I'm bloody scared of how this thing is making me feel and I don't know how long I can keep the rational side of my brain thinking clearer than the side that wants to jump in front of the nearest train. (Or wait for the nearest toad-eating badger to come calling). I know it's stupid, I know it doesn't make logical sense and that's what's so frightening about it.

MTS, I missed your question about CBT earlier - the psychiatrist I saw reckons that what I have is a classic case of PND rather than anything else, and in her opinion the best treatment is drugs. She believes that once the PND goes away, then the OCD probably will as well (despite the fact I've had the OCD for 10 years, and despite the fact I believe the depression to stem from further back than when my dd was born). From what my GP said when I last asked him, it's a case of keeping the waiting lists down to an "acceptable level" (2 years, ha!) rather than CBT not being appropriate for me.

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There's plenty of room. Essbee, I posted the books out yesterday so you should get them soon. How are you doing?

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I'm sorry to hear things aren't so good. Try and have a nice day tomorrow though.

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essbee I'm so sorry, have managed to miss all this (bad dinosaur).

Thinking of you...

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WWB, choose to feed the rational.

You're obviously a sensible person at heart, with good punctuation.

Both of those are rare in this world.

Perhpas the psychiatrist you saw was right ?

Have you felt this bad lots and lots of times in the last ten years or only relatively recently ?

Sorry you feel so low wwb, but listen to everyone on here, they've given you some great advice. I know its hard to keep the rational brain one step ahead of the one that thinks life's a crock of sh*t, just remember that that rational side is still in there and will take control back one day.

It's not pointless to get onto your gp, however hard it might be. You deserve some help and support and you should push until you get it.

And if you don't, you know who will.......

Well done for getting through the day, WWB.

The good punctuation is one thing that I will own up to with great pride . That and an irrational hatred of apostrophes in the wrong place.

I wish it felt as simple as just feeding the rational. The irrational stuff comes unbidden and I can't shake it, no matter how hard I fight and no matter how much I tell myself that it's irrational.

I've had very low self-esteem and minor depression since I was a teenager, but it's only been this bad since I had my dd - hence the assumption that it's PND. My dd is now coming up for 4, although I've only been taking ads for about 6 months.

WWB you keep creeping into my mind when I am doing the most innocuous things (like washing up.. pretending to study etc.. I do get off MN sometimes ) and I just want to send you ((((((hugs)))))))). I hope tomorrow is a better day.

SJ x

Trying to fight the irrational never works IME, it just makes you feel worse for failing to get rid of it. You need, with help, to learn and find your own way of living with the irrational and still being able to carry on as normal. Then eventually there'll be less and less days you feel down.