Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

It might not be the only answer, but it definitely is a bit strange that you began to feel seriously crap after dd's birth.

Think back to any other significant events occured around the time the mist came unbidden.... do you essentially draw a blank ?

I'm no shrink / medic, but is it conceivable also that the mild-depression-since-teenager thing was also assisted by hormoney weirdness going on ?

Just putting two and two together... maybe I've got 5 ?

But then again, I know the square root of 8 is 2.8284271, and I didn't just do that with a calculator - I memorised it yonks and yonks ago.... Hmmm.

Also, how do you feel the ADs have influenced you in the six months you've been taking them ?

Vegetarian Apostrophe Appreciators of the World Unite.

The teenage thing wasn't weird old hormones - I know they're the usual things to blame but I think it stems more from upbringing. That's where the lack of self-esteem and confidence came from, and I think the depression is part of that. Although of course the last 4 years is a different kettle of bananas.

I had thought that the ads were helping, but over the last couple of months I've had two or three really major blips. I don't think they've changed or influenced me in any major way, although sometimes I feel a bit distant and have wondered whether that's the ads. I don't feel any stigma about taking them or anything like that, if that's what you mean; it's a treatment for an illness and I have to take them to get better, just like I have to take thyroxine otherwise I would fall over.

LOL at K of B.

"... last couple of months... blips" is interesting. Worth mentioning to GP that possibly OK for say 4ish months and then 'hiccups upstairs'

I wasn't asking / implying / thinking about any stigma type stuff.

But what I was hinting at / highlighting was that pre-ADs you more or less managed, you were possibly helped / calmed on initial prescription, and after a certain period of time (Tolerance ? Acclimatisation ? Reaction ?) you blipped.

From a lay-bear-grappler's perspective, possibly the ADs aren't best suited to WWB or the AD dose could do with tweaking ?

Possibly the blips aren't the WigWam but the pills ?

(Oh, again, from lay-grappler's perspective, the thyroid issues might well be complicating / interacting with the ADs etc. Have you thought to request / snarl till granted a full blood screening for hormone levels post dd and also check on the various thyroid-related endocrine levels) ?

These are just lay-grappler guesses, only suggesting what I might suggest to dw were she in same position and contemplating medical causes for herpetological illnesses.

Spot on about the coping beforehand, I knew I had PND (or whatever) but because of feeding dd I wouldn't take the ads at the time (pig-headed old vegetarian apostrophe appreciator, I know), kept struggling along until it finally dawned on me that life didn't have to be this way and saw the GP about ads. They didn't have much effect for the first couple of weeks so the GP upped the dose, and they seemed to be doing the trick until a couple of months ago.

I have my thyroid function checked fairly regularly (T3 and T4), although I'm overdue for having it checked (a timely reminder, thanks). Bloody hormones ... (I know, you men say that all the time ...)

Not taking ADs whilst feeding dd "pig-headed old vegetarian apostrophe appreciator, I know" emphasises to me, again - and it should to you - that basically you are OK and must just figure out the blips.

(Oh, and that you think of others in a selfless way, which is nice, and rare in a herp).

Admittedly they are rather large, ugly blips, but they are just blips.

Quite possibly the dose was too low at fist, then bumped up, but this might not be OK longer term, IYSWIM. Quite possibly dose tweaking or med shifting may help.

I hope you have your GP list of Qs and are scribbling down the timely reminder. Did you decide to prepare one before the phone call yesterday ?

"hello, WigWam, just thought I'd phone you to let you know that because they breed chickens in overly crowded coops in somewhere exotic, that Dr. Blah's been taken ill, and you're invited to have a totally crappy Friday."

Oh, and ref: "Bloody hormones" - I know bugger all about PND, I presume there is a hormonal element and there is a pyschical element, but again it would be worth snarling for a blood test, esp. if they're gonna extract the red stuff for thyroid checks.

BTW, I googled T3 and T4 and chucked in a bit of depression and 'suicidal' for good measure and there is just an absolute pile of research (most of it can be summarised by 'not quite sure').

I did read though that they should check TSH as well as T3 and T4, but it might be worth exploring any links between your mind, your thyroid and your ADs.

Cosy, eh.

Their could easily be some complex interactions causing you your grief.

Possibly you could poke your GP in the ribs to ascertain if they are truly competent enough and clued up enough on the research to be managing your conditions. Perhaps a consultant endocrinologist with a special interest in Toadal Instability might be more appropriate ?

Anyway, about that book I thought you might have tucked away inside you:

"A Different Kettle of Bananas" seems like a great title to me.

"Toadie lifted up the stone and sniffed the cold air...."

Yep, they check the TSH as well. There is a definite link between thyroid disorders and depression, one is very fequently mistaken for another. The endocrinologist with a special interest in toadal instability would be a wonderful idea ... he'd have a field day.

I have no books inside me, I know I'm fat and it looks as if I might have done, but I do draw the line at eating libraries.

LOL.

Night. (Early, I know).

I hope you're feeling a little better.

Thryoid disorders / mental health / book delectation are all things I know little about, but have you recently seen a specialist about all this, or only GP ?

Gut reaction suggests now may be a great time to find someone with a particular interest in rare herps. Do you concur ?

do you think this could be of help?

Just wondered because a friend of mine has severe depression which has got worse since her ds was born a year ago and she has just been diagnosed with this. She also has thyroid problems and a history of depression.

See you tomorrow!!!

WWB - have just caught up with today's happenings - what a shame, I really thought there would have been some good news for you. Thinking of you - give yourself lots of treats over the weekend - and try to enjoy every minute on Sunday, since you are quite clearly a cracking mum and deserve lots of pampering. I think (maybe a job for dh?) that you need to consider finding a new GP, obviously sickness not his/her fault but the way you have been treated this week (and comments by other doc) is totally unacceptable. Take care. Night night.

WWB, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please get to see a GP on Monday. You deserve some proper help & treatment. Thinking of you, winnie xx

I don't know why I bothered even trying to talk to dh about this. After twice telling him about the suicidal feelings, I told him last night that I was still feeling bad, and would be ringing the GP on Monday. His response?

"What for?".

WWB, you tried. If it's any consolation my dh never really "got it" either - he still doesn't, even though he suffered from depression himself after ds2 was born.

You've got us, and we'll listen, and we understand.

Thanks Moo.

How are you today?

Thinking of you xxxxxxx

Tell him you have bears to grapple.

If he's at home with dd, go for that walk.

"What for ?"

"Because I want to, and I've got a new thermos... and I've got stones to turn over."

BTW, he might think 'what for' because you're much more 'together' than earlier in the week... so, whilst kinda bad, it might be kinda good ?

Glass half-full kinda guy, me.

I think he's just ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

I wish I could do the same.

Best to chill till Monday and see how it goes with the telephone-shuffle appointment-grabbing thing.

Hope inter-grappler comms improves.

Did you think consultant-endocrinologist-with-interest-in-toads referral might be something you wanted to push for ?

I don't know really, I would have hoped that if there was likely to be a problem there, the GP would have suggested it. (Don't laugh at my innocence and naivety).

Do ask about the thyroid test. It is not included in the typical battery of tests. Some docs think about it right away and others don't.

I'm already taking Thyroxine for an underactive thyroid.

Oh, sorry I misunderstood.

I won't laugh at your innocence, but I will tease you for a long time that you failed to insert an umlaut over your i in naïve.

WWB ! That is terrible. You should be ashamed of yourself for such a major oversight.

I think sometimes an individual does need to be that extra bit pushy with a GP. A specialist will, simply, have specialist expertise in a given field. If you've got an odd thyroid, possible PND, weird reaction to the meds.... yes, I think a specialist might be useful.

My knowledge of where umlauts are required is far better than my knowledge of how to get my keyboard to produce one!

I might ask about the endocrinologist, I guess it won't hurt. Apart from the fact he'll want to stick needles in me.

Some people have to pay to have needles stuck in them. Seriously though, it could help, you can always grit your teeth and think of Ann Summers.