Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

Hi WWB
Anorak, i think your post of 4.07 yesterday is one of the most revealing, illuminating and helpful things I have ever heard about depression. it makes a lot of sense, and gels with the oldest child thing.

Also, I think 'being strong' makes it a big shock for our nearest and dearest when things finally get too much.
My DP was a bit nonplussed when I finally admitted I had depression - he wasn't surprised, as he'd borne the brunt of it for months. He didn't talk about it - but did do a lot of extra washing up, and 'handling things'. In any case, depression was making me so inward looking and resentful and, in truth, I think I felt that I wanted to somehow make him take on what I was feeling as some sort of warped revenge for the fact that he wasn't suffering like I was. You know, like that feeling you get when suffering from insomnia and someone is sleeping soundly beside you and you want to give them a good shake!

I think Hub2dee's input is really helpful here. If your DH is being of practical support, and is recognising that you do have depression, and is not panicking or taking any of your feling low personally, he is well placed to enable YOU to get the help you need to get better. My best-girl-friend was much better at emotional supoprt - but then i got fed up with feeling 'looked after'. Difficult to please we independent, strong, nothing-wrong-with-me oldest sister types, aren't we ?

And WWB - it's Friday tomorrow - if your GP will change your ADs - dose or type, it may help you turn things around.

WWB: "who I would be nothing without" ... try and go a bit easy on yourself will ya... otherwise you'll be up a ladder holding onto the end of a bit of cast iron pipe. And believe me, it's cold down South too at the mo.

Any bloke that does stuff in the house ain't doing it cos you're "useless and worthless". No, he's doing it because he thinks you're a good mumma to your dd, you're (usually) fun to be with, and because he finds you smart and witty and sexy enough to make babies with.

You know they say 'like attracts like' ? Well, if you say he is "kind, sweet and sensitive", then I'm afraid you probably are too.

So, shake yourself out, and see what tomorrow's appointment brings. BTW: you haven't said whether you would or wouldn't show your initial post to dh or GP. Will you ?

I would DEFINITELY show it to the GP as inevitably you will be trying to put a brave front on, and under pressure to try and communicate what you feel and that can be difficult. It will only take him/her 30 seconds to read it so you won't be wasting their time. Can you please post whether you intend to do this or not ?

PS - not many men do loos, they're so icky, maybe get one of those disposable 'duck' cleaning brush with head things ? (dw got that for me but it's so un-environmentally sound I haven't used it and instead just render the toilets blisteringly clean through judicious use of bear oil from my last kill)

PPS - Don't think you've escaped the forced walk with thermos because (a) dd is ill or (b) you haven't got a thermos. I have the memory of an elephant.

Hi WWB!

I really identify with your post 11:57 this morning about dh being relieved the worst is past, ignoring the root problem, and you both arriving at the same place again sooner or later...I'm guilty of the same thing (I think we're not the only two guys, either!)

Each time dw and I get to that place, I do genuinely want to change - and I guess your dh may feel the same way inside - but it is as if there's this great big barrier in the way (and wrestling bears seems easier, trust me).

The question is, how to break down that barrier - and I guess the answer is, a bit at a time. I've a few thoughts (for what they're worth) but I need to go now, so I'll think some more and come back later. Anyone else got any ideas?

hub2dee, you're not such a bear grappler yourself on the sly, are you? . You are a warm, wise human being and if you weren't a married hub and I weren't a married wwb I'd kiss you (I perhaps will anyway - mwah!).

Thank you for your posts, and for giving me a virtual shake. Yes, I will take my first posting to show the GP. Yes, I will think about showing it to dh as well, although I'm not sure about that one yet. Yes, I will buy a thermos and when dd is feeling better (and not yelling Mummmmeeeeeeeee every thirty seconds) I will take it out on a long walk. I shall have to make do with cleaning the loo today instead.

Many thanks for your kind words. Don't know what kind of bear grappler I am. Probably I'd have to be a very good one as I can't run very fast.

From counting pills to virtual air kisses, eh ? Come back to this thread if the cloud ever descends and I hope it may help you again.

Hope your dd starts feeling better and considers expanding her vocabulary to something less tiring like 'How about I tidy up all my toys and clothes and help you with the bathroom mummmeeeeeee ?'

Soon it will be "mummeee.... this girl at school said daddy's a bear grappler" and you will soothe her brow and laugh at the joyous little bundle before you. And then dh will walk in from a hellish day and you'll be all Bree-like and have all the house sorted and cooked something difficult like Yorkshire Pudding that's not burnt and he'll give you a knowing look that tells you you're rather good at what you do. And then in quite a few years time when the Bear Grappler's retired, and you're feeling like an actualised smug married, dd will ask you if you fancy joining her for a sess down the spa to get your toes done, and you'll know that it's all been worth it.

(I hope you watch Desperate Housewives as I haven't just misspelt a French cheese).

(I also hope they have decent spas up North).

And remember, there's aint nothin' like a clean shitter.

BTW: I've noticed your punctuation is consistently rather good. I'm wondering if you have a book in you. Do you ? Maybe you should start ? Give yourself something to really occupy your mind, eh...

Hi WWB How are you this evening?

I'm still thinking of you, and your dh. Please could you tell him that he's not alone - there are lots of other dh's out there who are going through the same thing. It won't change the situation , but just as somehow it helps the mums that post on here about their depression to know that others understand, I think it would help him too.

Here are some reflections on this thread - and others like it, and my own experience of clinical depression, and my dw's (so, not intended to be my interpretation of your experience)...

First, there is an event: you were counting out pills, I went for a large knife...And sometimes the event passes, and we try to ignore it happened (like your dh may be doing).

But sometimes we choose to observe the event: what is happening here? I feel overwhelmingly sad, lacking in emotional and physical energy, and can't see any hope of things changing...

Then we might reflect on that observation: These feelings are, in fact, independent of my circumstances, which are positive in some areas, negative in others...Therefore, I am possibly/probably clinically depressed...

So, we might start to discuss the situation with others - like on mn! , or with the GP - to get their opinions/advice/support...

On the basis of their imput, we can make a plan that is more likely to be balanced/realistic than if we'd come up with it on our own right now: I'm going to take these ADs, mn will email you everyday to say "hello", I'm going to go for a walk in the park...

But, we're not likely to stick with the plan (especially when we're depressed) unless we build in some accountability: the GP will review the ADs every two months, hub2dee won't let WWB off the hook about going for a walk in the park ...

Then we're ready to act on the plan we have made. Now, I know this sounds like Behavioual Sciences 101 written down, but it isn't meant like that, and I even think that you've gone through this process yourself several times, even if unconsciously.

And what I'm wondering is, if you could persuade dh to consciously go through this step-by-step process, whether it might help? Such as (and here I'm switching from having been depressed myself to being married to depressed dw):

Here's an event I can't ignore...what do I feel about this? (scared, helpless, humiliated)/how does dw feel?...why do I feel like this? (what's behind those feelings?) (dw's note: this isn't territory men are familiar with - there might even be great big bears!)...okay, I've done the going-off-into-a-cave man thing, now I'm going to bite the bullet and talk to my wife about this stuff (dw's: give your dh time on his own, but don't let him dodge this!)...so, what are we going to do? (e.g. go to the GP, get clued-up on situation/options, make some practical changes - even like, let's agree to talk about each others' hopes and fears regularly and schedule in time to do it)...let's stick with the plan (are we doing what we agreed to do?)...and give it a go - nothing's set in stone.

I'm not offering this as a counsellor or an expert (or trying to fix it), just as something that I have found helped me in similar circumstances. I'm sorry this is so long. If it helps, you're welcome to it; if not, please ignore it!

WWB - good luck tomorrow with the doctor, I'm thinking of you.

WWB I am sorry haven't posted much but kept delting my post as it was coming out all wrong

I really hope you have a good nights sleep and that DD is fully recovered in morning

I really hope the GP will help you.

good night {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

WWB, here is an edited version of an email (yes I said email) that i sent dh two nights ago:

"I hardly know where to begin. Really, I guess you've heard it all before. Maybe I just need to write it down for myself. I find myself wondering how this all happened. You were the one who was totally disinterested in the conception and pregnancy of . I went through all of the physical, mental and emotional trauma of carrying him and giving birth to him. And yet, somehow I managed to lose the prize at the end after all. It seems so pathetic really. Such a waste. At least for me.

I look at my life and wonder what it's all about anymore. Or really what it ever was about. I do think that I had potential at some point, but I guess at 40 quite a few things are not on the table anymore. now I just try to exist from day to day. Try not to scream at my child or my husband. Try not to stir things up with my friends. Try to not say what I really think to my patients. I really thought that moving would give me a new lease on life. I might finally find what I was looking for career-wise. Instead, I'm just doing the same old thing. I just don't have the energy to do a big design with your career or mine for that matter. I truly wish that I did. At one time I thought that was the answer for both of us. But it's just so overwhelming. I can't even manage to make an appointment to get my teeth cleaned, much less conceive of a marketing project to your specifications. I wish that I could.

It sounds trite, but it is very true that you and * have a full life without me. He really wouldn't miss me at all. He might notice for a bit, but that would be all. We both know that it's true. I doubt that I will ever have the courage to kill myself so you probably shouldn't worry about that. I don't know what the answer is. If I leave, I will be plagued with guilt and of course will miss you both terribly. If I stay, I will just make us all miserable. A bit of a no-win scenario isn't it?"

I am not trying to hijack your thread here and I'm sorry this post is so long. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. TBH, after catching up on my ADs (I had fallen a day or so behind - not a good thing for me) and getting a good night's sleep after two bad nights with ds - we have found that can be crucial - life looks much cheerier. It is getting through the bumps and climbing out of that black hole that can be so difficult. Sometimes it is hard for me to verbalize what I'm feeling to dh and so, occasionally, I actually email him what I cannot say. some of my friends think it's kind of weird, but it works for us.

hope you're feeling better.

j

WWB. Well, all set ? DD better ?

Print out of first post plus marvellously distracting toy ?

List of Qs ? (yes, write / type them out. You'll feel odd but you won't forget anything and you will be pleasantly sorted out for the doc).

Some to consider might include:

What can you do for me now ?

Is my appointment delay normal - how should I handle it if there is another urgency ?

Can you suggest any useful support groups in this area ?

Under what conditions might a referral be appropriate - who / when ?

Could we make a repeat appointment in x weeks ?

Any suggestions re: dh - should he come with perhaps etc. ?

It is clear there are a lot of people here feeling similar things to you at different times, so rest assured you are not alone !

Let us know how it goes.

WWB hope it goes well for you today

hope it goes well at the docs this morning WWB

Actualisedad, hub2dee, jabberwocky, thank you for your posts, I can't answer them at the moment because right now all I want to do is crawl into a hole in the ground, cover myself with earth and stay there.

I couldn't see my own GP this morning - they phoned me yesterday afternoon to say that he's gone off sick and the only alternative was to see the registrar, who is the doctor who told me that I should be having my ads on repeat prescription and not bothering a busy GP. I was keyed up to letting it all out and feeling that this moring might be a new start - and now I feel really low again. I have to see my GP in two weeks for my next lot of ads, so will have to try and stay focussed until then.

Right now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Oh Wig!!!!!!! I am appalled at this!!!!!!! I don't know what to say!!!!!

OMG that is terrible

Is there any chance of seeing your own GP earlier than 2 weeks?

I don't know what to say really

Was so sure that you would have good news to share

I am sorry I am lost what to write.

Sending you cyberhugs {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}} and kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I could probably see him earlier than that if I ring every morning to see if they have released any more appointments (they sometimes do), but to be honest I can't see the point at the moment. Nothing seems worth bothering with.

I just am so annoyed for you

I thought you would get a different set of ADs and would then start to feel better

Not that I know how they work but imagined that they would make you feel better in yourself.

Hopefully others will be along with tips on how to get through the time until the next appointment.

I guess one day at a time is one way to go

Do you think conselling can help?

Or do you feel better having us lot conselling you IYSWIM?

I can't get counselling, phychiatrist reckons I don't need any form of therapy (I asked for CBT particularly).

I'm going offline for a bit, I need to think.

oke doke

what is CBT?

see you later

WWB, don't know hat to say I was hoping everythign ould start to turn a corner for you today, please stay and express yourself on here, I'm sure it will help, everyone here is listening and waiting, we are behind you 100% {{hugs}} kisses xxx

Oh honey, that is really bad luck.
And a v discouraging set back.
BUT
The chances are your own GP will be back on Monday.
The point of ringing and being insistent about an appointment is so that all the things you were going to say today can be said then.
It will be the same story, but told a few days later.
I can understand that the sheer effort of having to keep calling is disheartening - this could be the moment to get your DH to take on a practical task and use that deep voice??

WWB: Totally understand your need to go offline for a bit...we're all here for you when you're ready to come back.

But, I just needed to say, I am so angry at that doctor for telling you (or anyone!) you shouldn't be bothering a busy GP , and so disappointed for you

sorry to hear that about the GP.

I am happy to phone up for you to try and get you an earlier appointment with your GP. alternatively you might be able to self-refer to your community mental health team.

I'll keep trying for another appointment with my own GP. I could see another GP sooner, but I think I would be better off seeing my own. Right now I just want to crawl off underneath a stone and stay there.