Struggled with saying this on here BUT

[chana8]

Im finding myself spiralling into wanting to stay at home and not go anywere. I wake up exausted and then spend the rest of the day really lost and unable to think straight. If I do go out , you wouldnt think Im having these kinds of days,w(were I sit all day in pj's), as to others say I seem sorted and so "well turned out", but I spose its all a mask and I use it to try and make me feel better atleast by looking that way !!
Im doing some self help with depression right now using moodgym and clincial depression websites to help me as I will not go back on pills.Ive been battling this for years(but it reached a crescendo & its all on here from last year after dd's birth). I wont go into it all again but my day to day situation was posted on here then.I KNOW with the pills they only fix small part of the issue, I came off citalopram in Aug 04. Ive had 9mths of hypnotherapy to help alleviate some of my stuff but my biggest problm is rumination to obessisve levels which I now believe affects my sleep pattern and then adds to the cycle of tiredness further rumination/bad sleep/on and on. Im feeling stuck and lost with what to do with myself as I need more than toddler groups and coffee mornings(I dont disqaulify them out right as when I attend the ones I do go to I feel a little better), BUT when they are over its like what do I do now today.

Im trying to build my business again but its slow , as I only have time on Saturdays or evenings , the evenings I find really hard as Im so drained by the end of the day. Dh has now said that my "work"(cant say otherwise youll know who this is), is only a hobby in reality as I wont do enough at this rate to make it a sustainable financial addition, which I understand and hes not completely wrong when you look at it black and white , but hes forgotten the fact that Im a full time mum too and hes told me he can think of nothing worse than bringing work home at night, so it seems ok for him to tell me how it should be but hes forgotten that may be I need some encouragement and a bit of a boost. I dont react well to boot camp tactics as they just add to my anxiety and anger if I dont match whats been commanded and doesnt bring to light the effort Im already making.
I suppose I need some proffesional help to get it all sorted prefferably CBT, but there is none available in my area under NHS and our finances are shot to bits right now for more private therapy session as on top of it all me and dh are also going to relate every week to sort out our drifitng relationship.

I just dont know what to do really , childcare isnt an option financially nor emotinally right now.

somtimes its good just to get it all of your chest on here, but Im nervous of responses.Imk actually shaking.

I think it means 'you know what i mean'. Sorry to hear of your situation Flakecake, sorry to hear you've been let down too, I've no mum either, hits hard when you have a baby. Hope things get brighter for us all soon. I find this website good for sharing things and it makes me feel a bit better knowing others are experiencing the same..... take care all.

Well Ive made an appt today with doc, its not till March , but at least Ive done it. IM a bit nervous as its the doc that 1st diagnosed PND and not PTSD, but to be honest none of them seem that knowlegdable in these areas, I just hope they dont just give me bloody pills and think THATS IT . I was fired up by the fact that Ive just found out that a friend is having counseling at my practise, she isnt even registered there, (I have no probelm with her having the counselling , this isnt any issue with that as I know she is suffering and needs some help) BUT her counseller she says she isnt formally a CBT therapist , but she is very experienced in it. I was told that I couldnt have CBT as there was no funding, I wasnt even offered any form of counselling at my own practise,I wasnt even told they had counselling there, so yet again I feel I have not been given the help that I have asked for. I had to go and spend a lot of money trying to do it myself, Im soo annoyed with them there.

She can only have 6 weeks , and then after that she can be reffered privately, is this a new thing thats being offered in surgerys or is it that I said I was already doing hypnotherapy that they didnt offer it to me ??

Good on you Chana8, March is not far away. Hope you manage to get things cleared up. Not sure how the NHS works, it seems to be a bit of a lottery eh?? Hope you have a good day today.

Chana, your doctor will be able to clear up any confusion about what's available for you. There is no harm in asking the dr whether you can also go for the counselling with a view to CBT. If the CBT is private and not a good option for you financially, the counselling might be benficial, especially if you don't want ADs again. It's possible they might have not offered CBT before if you were having other therapies at the time like hypnotherapy. Often they don't like therapies to overlap, but even so, they should have made this clear. If you have any worries about seeing the dr, list your bullet points on a small piece of paper and take it in with you. I agree with Flakecake - you get such a short time with health professionals, you have to make sure you get heard - they are experts in closing down conversations! My surgery offered me 6 counselling sessions and then (at my request for more help) referred me to a psychotherapist - my PT was on the NHS. The surgery counsellor was really lovely - it was such a release to talk to her.

I really empathise with how low you were feeling around the house generally and that whole lack of progress feeling. I had that feeling all thru the Xmas holidays and every cold dark wintry day made all my problems seem worse - I was doing my everyday responsibilities very very slowly and I couldn't think straight or sleep properly. I didn't want to be indoors or go out - I wanted to be in a place where I couldn't be interrupted, which was impossible then.

Hope the drs appt goes well for you.