Can anyone please advise wether this behaviour while on antidepressants is normal?

[ANOTHERnewstart]

I have been fortunate enough to not need any medications for mental health..I have no real understanding of how it must feel which is why I’m asking for some help in relation to a relationship I’m in.

My partner (who I’ve been with for 3yrs) is on antidepressants & has been for years. His behaviour is erratic and I’m at the point where I need to check how other people navigate life while being on them because quite frankly it’s ruining us.

He can be the most chilled helpful loving person. Thoughtful..asks questions..listens etc. Things will be great for say 4/5 weeks then something triggers him and he changes into a different person. He especially likes to do this just before an event or something good is about to happen.
He will initially just be off with me like we’ve had an argument..except we won’t have done. Whatever’s happened I’m always oblivious to, as don’t see it coming..I will ask what’s wrong and he will proceed to sulk and literally ignore me. This gets my back up..I find it hurtful..unnecessary and frustrating. It will sometimes result in him accusing me of things and when I get upset he says ‘it was a joke’ he can also get really sarcastic which makes me see him as a totally different person. After that he will just act like I don’t exist until I force us to talk.
This has taken its toll over the last few years to the point where I asked him to leave for a few days as couldn’t bare living in the same house as someone who came across as hating me. From that he assured me he would see the doctor as admitted he didn’t know why he got like it and wanted us to work.
Queue the docs..new tablets..transitioning starts and all good…then we have this cycle again..

To those of you who are on antidepressants…Is this behaviour because his initial tablets didn’t work? Is this behaviour now because he’s transitioning across? Or is his behaviour some weird form of appearing totally in love with me for a few weeks then not being able to give me the time of day?!

Help…as he’s currently upstairs not speaking to me…

Your problem is your partner is unpleasant, have you considered leaving him so you don't have to go through this anymore?

It sounds like a controlling behaviour to me. Loving one minute and then when it's something they don't want to do sulking. They are trying to make your world small. It will be such an effort to go to things you will stop going. They are trying to control you I think.

Sounds like a classic dickhead.

Yes SSRIs and changing them around needs to be done really carefully, the ups and downs are horrendous. GPs dont really care, dont review properly, just leave you to it in my experience.

Is it at points where new meds are being tried and doseages changing, or is it all the time?

Is it actually SSRIs or SNRIs he is on?

They might not suit him if so

Or is this part of a pattern of behaviour in general, what does he say about it?

you've been together 3 years and this has been going on the whole time by the sounds of it. It’s who he is regardless of the medication. If someone was shitty all the time you’d not put up with it but because he’s loving sometimes, that’s how he keeps you putting up with it. No doubt he does have MH issues that need meds but he can still be an abusive asshole as well. Don’t let him manipulate you into blaming his MH or the meds for the way he chooses to treat you. The fact he’s back and not talking to you again shows you this will never change so you have to choose to draw the line and end it.

It doesn't sound like it is anything to do with ADs. It sounds like a man who thinks he has zero responsibility to consider the impact his feelings and behaviour have on his partner.

Thanks for all the replies. I was worried this was what was coming.
After said moments he will sometimes apologise. He will say he didn’t mean what he’s said and that it’s his MH. I have tried to understand and help so ,I h. It am at a point of having no idea what to do going forward to change this if it was medication related.

ADPs don't make you a dickhead. Being a dickhead makes you a dickhead. They're supposed to treat depression and MH, not allow it to be used as an excuse.

@likelysuspect its totally random. So he’s been on the initial meds for years & his outbursts with me are literally non predictable. Hes been 5 weeks on the new ones and we’ve still the same behaviours..of course he’s saying it’s because they are all messed up and he just needs to transition over to the new ones…
I genuinely don’t know wether it will turn him back into that nice person he can be or this is his personality showing it’s true colours..

This needs a proper medical review. Also behavior like this can be dangerous, maybe the meds not working, maybe a side effect to them. I had this once in a partner and after a time I cleared off. He told everyone how bad I was and unstable, but I never went back and my life now is in a loving relationship. He was a never diagnosed bipolar person.

Well if its long term and its not something you want in your life (why would you) and its not changing then its time to think about your next steps

The problem is with MH issues, if thats what it is, very poorly treated, no consistency, he may be misdiagnosed and perhaps he has bipolar, perhaps he is ND, perhaps he has nothing wrong with him at all, perhaps he has a physical brain issue which no one has detected

Ultimately, its not just recently and therefore you have to think what the next 3 years would bring you in the same vein. And walk away if need be.

@likelysuspect yes you’re right..and I have no idea which one it is.. but I do know he can’t be consistent & I’ve been just awaiting the next ‘moment’….stupidly I thought the new meds would help..

You mentioned this often happens before an event or something good is going to happen, could it be anxiety about the event/self-sabotaging something good?

I am on ads and this is nothing to do with the drugs. He is using that as an excuse. If it were permanent behaviour then maybe but it wouldn't flare up and down like that. He is using manipulative, maladaptive, narcissistic behaviours as a means of control.

I work in mental health and no anti depressants don’t normally do this. I feel he’s using this as an excuse for his behaviour which is just his personality. He’s talking rubbish if you ask me

@WhatMe123 thanks for the reply. So he’s not on any at the moment due to the doctors mess up..would this be why he’s like he is? It’s like he’s flicked a switch.as soon as he stopped them? (Although he was like it before and I just didn’t think it was the right meds hence moving to different ones....?)

As others have said he seems rather abusive in his nature which isn’t something we would medicate people for, medication is for depression, anxiety not being toxic to your partner. I think you need to re read the comments on this thread op and see him through an outsiders eyes it’s not his medication or not medication it’s just him 😊

@WhatMe123 thanks for the reply. He was faultless when on the new meds and since stopping like this..I don’t know how that works..

Nothing to do with anti depressants. He sounds like an arse.

You have been very wise OP to question the cause of your dp's behaviour and wonder if it could be related to a change in medication.

I agree with the many people who have responded here that have similar experience of abusive and manipulative behaviour by men and warn you to open your eyes and realise that depression is only an excuse and certainly not the cause.

For more insight, read Lundy Bancroft's excellent book , Why Does He Do That?

Even if this is down to anti depressants, what makes you think you need to accept this behaviour it sounds really distressing. But no this isn't normal for antidepressants for people with general depression. My wife has been on a range of antidepressants and had side effects but they don't suddenly appear out the blue with no warning at crucially timed events. Does he actually like socialising? Or is he trying sabotage having to go? Could be part of his mental health issues but isn't a side effect.

Sounds to me like anxiety like a pp said. I used to behave like that when something was approaching like an evening out, a family occasion, an appointment. I would retreat into myself and then become nasty to everyone around me, start arguments, basically be a complete cow. Took me years to understand why i behaved like that. Thankfully Dh stuck around and I’m now on medication for anxiety.

You're in an unhealthy relationship and need to leave, sorry

Thankyou again for all the replies.
In answer to them all.. @Pieandchips999 yes and no re socialising.Depemds what it is. I’m writing this down for my own ref I guess but when it’s his family he’s usually fine..there can be some anxiety about certain things..when it’s mine not so much (although we have had many good times & he does like them and vice versa so no need as far as I can see) I have said to him he has ruined many a good time and I never have.
I think if I could describe him in a nutshell it would be that he’s almost that perfect partner..he’s self sufficient..works, funny, helpful, affectionate, kind etc..but when he gets like this I don’t know who I’m talking to..and that’s if I’m lucky enough as he shuts down massively making me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. He will say I’m not and he just doesn’t know how to talk..but it doesn’t help.
I feel like my last ditch attempt is to allow him to restart the new meds once the docs sort them out and ‘hope’ that he reverts back to the person I was happy with..otherwise it’s clear to me that this is just his toxic personality.
What I don’t get is ( & this is where I’m not familiar with MH) is if you were struggling and upsetting your partner why wouldn’t you be chasing the docs? He’s filled this form out to request & left it in their hands with no medication…I just have to sit and wait for the Jekyll & Hyde to revert back?…..

@Seaforme thanks for sharing that. Can I ask why you felt you did that? Genuinely interested why we can’t just have good days and what he would be thinking / worrying about that I just can’t see?