My boyfriend says I need to work on myself to save our relationship, but I don’t know how

[Judy35]

Please bear with me because I’m really struggling mentally. I also want genuine advice because I don’t want to end the relationship nor do I want to be told that he’s the problem because he’s not caused this. Genuine advice please!

Partner and I been together nearly four years and have always had a really good relationship. We were talking about buying a house and getting engaged, but over the last few months my mental health and self-esteem seem to have plummeted. I have no idea why (I’ve had my bloods checked and awaiting results: I’ve also been bloated non stop and investigations are happening).

Not only this, I’ve become increasingly anxious about our relationship, constantly overthinking things, making assumptions about how he feels and seeking reassurance. This only helps temporarily, and I end up repeating the same patterns.
Self fulfilling prophecy at its best because I now see in hindsight that things were amazing and I was worried about nothing!

My partner has reached a point where he feels exhausted and unhappy. He says he feels for months he’s been scrutinised and watched with a microscope, and that my behaviour has changed. He said my personality has changed and he doesn’t want to be with that person.

He still wants to be with me because he believes I can be back to my old self, but he says apologies aren’t enough anymore and he needs to see genuine effort. We’ve paused our house plans, and I’m terrified I’ve damaged something that was once really special.

He’s told me I need to focus on myself and stop worrying so much about the relationship. I genuinely want to, because I don’t want to keep feeling this way either, but I honestly don’t know where to start. My mental health has been getting worse, and I can’t pinpoint why. And I agree, my personality has changed and my head feels scrambled every single day. I am already in therapy.
I asked what he needs to see and he said I need to figure it out for myself.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar position and what practical things helped them.

Is it possible the relationship is the problem? Take a break and see if you feel better?

I don’t think so I can honestly say he makes me feel great and it’s only been the last few months I’ve noticed my whole mental health plummet.
I am currently in the early stages of CBT and realised I have every cognitive distortion under the sun lol.
I really do try and do things for myself, I go to some gym classes, try and run, just got a new job etc but I never feel fulfilled or happy. My brain is always on overdrive and anytime I spend in my own I over think

I'm becoming a broken record, but could it be perimenopause? Have you tried HRT?
Mine kicked off just like this in my late 30s and my relationship was the biggest casualty. Hormones made such a huge difference, wish I'd had them years before.

im only 28 so hopefully not but I am awaiting a laparoscopy for suspected endometriosis. Could this be causing hormonal issues?

But he doesn’t ‘make you feel great’ if you’re permanently anxious, overthinking, reassurance-seeking and miserable. I’m not suggesting this is in any way necessarily his fault, but for whatever reason, the relationship isn’t working for either of you at the moment.

I'm becoming a broken record, but could it be perimenopause? Have you tried HRT?
Mine kicked off just like this in my late 30s and my relationship was the biggest casualty. Hormones made such a huge difference, wish I'd had them years before.

I just wanted advice on how I can work on myself. I had 3.5 years of feeling incredible around him and then my mental health plummeted a few months ago in the form of lots of things (my own self esteem, my working life etc). He was nothing but encouraging and supportive and now it’s spilling into my relationship.

i just want advice on how to work on myself please

Could possible endometriosis cause issues? I have a laparoscopy in a few months. Always struggled with PCOS and have been bloated for months and they think it’s this

Do you see your friends? Have you talked to them about what is happening? Have they noticed any changes in your behaviour or said what they think could be going on

Did anything happen? Even if it’s really small? I’ve been fine and a mess with a very lovely supportive husband so it’s not necessarily OP’s boyfriend.

From a different perspective has anything at all (in the news, on the tube, to a friend) that made you feel unusually weird?

Counselling, not couples, solo counselling for you.

You need to establish whether you have an issue, or whether he is telling you that you have an issue. If you do have one then you work on yourself for you, not for your relationship.

If you work out what issues you may or may not have, you will have clarity on whether the relationship is right for you or not. You can’t change to be who someone else wants you to be, but if you are a shell of yourself then maybe the change is needed to help you be the person you are/were.

I feel like I waffled, but basically I’m trying to say that you need to change only for you, and if it is what you would benefit from…not because someone else is telling you that you do.

I’d leave him perhaps he is the issue here don’t buy a house, marry or have kids with this man he hasn’t got your back when you need him too

“I asked what he needs to see and he said I need to figure it out for myself.”

It seems that he has checked out of the relationship already. If he really wanted it to work then he would be more forthcoming about what needs to change.

What changed six months ago? Think back carefully. Is there any event, big or small, that could have triggered this?

what else is going on in your life? Do you have a job? Friends? Family? You can build your mental health from many sources, and stable connections at work and outside the home will also help you.

Something changed, probably subconsciously. Maybe take it as a sign hes not the one for you? Take some time to yourself, youd be surprised at what you/your body will notice when alone.

I say that as someone who stayed for 12yrs because of children. Been single 2yrs and have learnt alot about myself.

Also, get a new bedrime routine to wind down, meditate and breath. It does help with a 1000mph brain.

Apparently, yes.
Anxiety and a racing mind are very common, biologically driven effects
of both PCOS and endometriosis
according to Google. It might be worth a bit of research and another GP appt.

Do you take care of yourself physically? Do you eat healthy? Do you workout? Mental health isn't just a one sided coin. If you don't work out, start going to the gym a couple of times a week. It does wonders for how you feel about yourself.

Stop analyzing him and stop asking for reassurance. That is so unattractive, for both men and women. It drains all the energy out of a relationship. If the relationship isn't making you happy, its time to end it. No point in trying to revive something that is dead.

Do you attend church? If not, I would start looking for churches that make you feel welcome and start attending regularly.

I was at a very low point in my life a year ago, and I made a huge turn around by focusing on my physical health and my walk with Jesus Christ. So that's the advice I give to you.

I wonder OP if you are looking for a “something” that is wrong..
When it might be something “simple” like staleness in the relationship. Anything via work or loss of friends or anything small or cumulatively add up sometimes..so that’s a different avenue.
He might be great. He might try to make you feel great. But if there’s no THING (including hormonal issues) causing a change then I’d be inclined to think it is the relationship. Because we do notice small changes - less sex, fewer dates, less chat .. whatever.
You said he feels like he’s under a microscope. What is it you do or say that makes him say that? Because I bet if you sit down and write out why you said x or worried about y, you’d see it more clearly.
Hormones of course can be a cause in lots of things like anxiety, depression, anger, sleeplessness, pain etc. But you started talking about the relationship on MN. Not pain, weight, jobs, friends. Why is that?

Maybe try an SSRI it sounds like anxiety

I’ve become increasingly anxious about our relationship, constantly overthinking things, making assumptions about how he feels and seeking reassurance. This only helps temporarily, and I end up repeating the same patterns.

Could you say a bit more about this? E.g. , do you mean that you are jealous, and you are interrogating him a bit (or a lot) about possible interest in other women? Or is it more to do with him being a bit closed up and cold, leaving you uncertain of his affection?
If it's the first of these two options, it would be understandable if your partner felt a bit persecuted, and it would be legit for him to ask you to 'work on yourself'. But if it is the second, it is not your problem alone to fix. He needs to be involved - perhaps in some sort of couples counselling?

It is striking that you have had such a sharp change in mental health. I hope you have some luck with investigations of possible physical causes, or perhaps with a prescription for anti-depressants.

Is he not making you feel emotionally safe or secure? I’m big on intuition.. if something feels off to me it usually is. Not saying this will be the case for you but has he changed at all and that’s what you’ve clocked on to? Look at relationship OCD also. Make you the centre of your life, not him.

Could you follow a plant-based detox diet (no alcohol/caffeine also) for 28 days and chart your moods throughout? You’ll be surprised how energised you’ll feel and have clarity of mind by the end. Lots of lovely supplements. If you’re prone to overthinking it will help with focus (lots of food prep/meal planning.) X

Did you start spending more time online? Places like here?

I think this is a bit unfair. Dealing with someone with MH problems is exhausting and a partner is not a trained counsellor or doctor. I left my husband due to years of his MH problems, ostensibly because these same kind of obsessions were being concentrated on our children and it was causing them distress, but I was at breaking point dealing with it all. There is only so much someone else can do about it. Ex h is stable for the moment on lots of meds and we have a good relationship but it's taken us splitting up for him to be forced to help himself. I gave him 3 chances. The 3rd time resulted in my DS refusing to talk to him and all of us ( apart from him) ending up in therapy. This is obviously different from OP who it seems needs to look into hormonal issues ( which I don't think was the case for exh)