My boyfriend says I need to work on myself to save our relationship, but I don’t know how

[Judy35]

Please bear with me because I’m really struggling mentally. I also want genuine advice because I don’t want to end the relationship nor do I want to be told that he’s the problem because he’s not caused this. Genuine advice please!

Partner and I been together nearly four years and have always had a really good relationship. We were talking about buying a house and getting engaged, but over the last few months my mental health and self-esteem seem to have plummeted. I have no idea why (I’ve had my bloods checked and awaiting results: I’ve also been bloated non stop and investigations are happening).

Not only this, I’ve become increasingly anxious about our relationship, constantly overthinking things, making assumptions about how he feels and seeking reassurance. This only helps temporarily, and I end up repeating the same patterns.
Self fulfilling prophecy at its best because I now see in hindsight that things were amazing and I was worried about nothing!

My partner has reached a point where he feels exhausted and unhappy. He says he feels for months he’s been scrutinised and watched with a microscope, and that my behaviour has changed. He said my personality has changed and he doesn’t want to be with that person.

He still wants to be with me because he believes I can be back to my old self, but he says apologies aren’t enough anymore and he needs to see genuine effort. We’ve paused our house plans, and I’m terrified I’ve damaged something that was once really special.

He’s told me I need to focus on myself and stop worrying so much about the relationship. I genuinely want to, because I don’t want to keep feeling this way either, but I honestly don’t know where to start. My mental health has been getting worse, and I can’t pinpoint why. And I agree, my personality has changed and my head feels scrambled every single day. I am already in therapy.
I asked what he needs to see and he said I need to figure it out for myself.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar position and what practical things helped them.

Maybe what changed 6 months ago is actually your boyfriend when you started looking for a house.- who wasn't actually ready to commit to that degree - and is now gaslighting you to the poont of you thinking you're losing your mind.

Build a life outside of your relationship, you are too focused on your boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go - you need to learn to be a self sufficient, emotionally independent adult. Reevaluate your life, your goals, go to gym, improve your sleeping habits, cut sugar / minimise the carbs. CBT is good but I’d go deeper in your shoes.

Something's I think counselling can make things worse, especially if you are an over thinker. Keep busy, anxiety and depression loves 'quiet'.

@Judy35 I did this years ago and have never felt so well.
Not sustainable as a lifestyle for me but would definitely endorse as a short term kick start to feeling better.
You are very self absorbed atm and that is probably draining for your DP. Focusing on something other than your feelings (e.g. a very different diet for a bit?) might just break the loop you've got into.

I think he's kicked you when you're down! He sounds a bit brutal. I think the fact that you've both identified this as solely a you problem is kind of interesting. If you're going to be together long term you need to tackle things as a team - that applies to both of you not just him. I wonder if you have presented this as a "disruption in service" rather than asking him to help you. Maybe when he says you have to work it out as opposed to him telling you what he wants to see as an improvement that's what he means. I'm being generous there. Anyway the main thing is that it's really important not to stop talking to him about your feelings and so on because if you do you may as well split up. And if he won't entertain it and leaves you on your own with this, you should definitely split up.

CBT is useful for lots of things but I think you might be better off with some kind of deeper psychological therapy if you can afford it. Whenever I have done this it's been really useful in ways that don't even seem to directly connect to the "behaviour". Hopefully someone more expert will come along and give more recommendations.

@Judy35 I know you said you can't pinpoint 'why' you started to feel bad but was there anything that changed around at that time? Could be unremarkable or not directly related to you but there's generally some sort of trigger. If you can think of anything try some freestyle writing; don't think, just write whatever comes into your head then leave it for a day or so before reading it.

When do you get the results of your blood tests?