Impossible situation with no way out?

[Gilmorebrats]

I feel like I’m in an impossible situation and there is no way out, not even suicide.
For context I have had a lifetime of MH illness and eating disorders so I’ve posted here even though it is also a relationship issue.
Id be interested in people’s opinions but please don’t be too brutal as I’m very fragile at the moment.
Basically, I’m struggling to make the decision of whether to separate from my partner of 25 years. He is the only person in my life but he can be cold, moody and manipulative. He keeps saying he will change and I think he genuinely means it at least some of the time but he always slips back into the same behaviour.
He also expects me to run our lives which is exhausting and I feel like I am being used because I have all the stress and he just comes along for the ride. He moans that we are driven by my lists but we wouldn’t get anything done if it was left to him.
The downside of leaving him is that I would lose our lovely property and our animals and I can’t bear the thought of rehoming them and not knowing if they are happy and being treated well. Even if I did kill myself and leave him there, I can’t trust him to look after them all well as he doesn’t notice when they are ill or injured and forgets to fill up their water bowls etc.
He is also showing signs of dementia so I’m worried that no one will keep the animals safe if I’m not there.
I’ve tried ignoring the way he treats me but it’s hard to have any self respect when I’m letting him treat me badly and when I think he just uses me for an easier life. If I stay at least I have my animals and my garden but he fills the house and outbuildings with broken crap so we constantly argue about that. He agrees to get rid of it and then goes back on his word so it’s a vicious circle.
If I leave and we sell the house (which would break both of our hearts as we have devoted so much to getting it to its current state) then I would have plenty of money to buy somewhere nice but I would have no purpose in life. I have no friends or family so I would really just cease to exist. I don’t think I can rehome our animals but it seems extreme to put up with so much for the sake of some farm animals.
We thought of extending to have separate accommodation but I really don’t think I have the energy to go through that and he would be no help at all with dealing with all the stress and issues that would inevitably involve.
Sorry that is so long. There really seems like no solution and I’ve lived in this limbo for years, unable to make a decision.
Any observations or suggestions would be appreciated.

How old is your youngest animal? What sort of animals?

Sheep, chickens and dogs. The sheep could have another 15 years of life.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

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Why not go through the effort of creating 2 separate dwellings on your current property as i think you said thats an option. Yes he wouldnt help but thats ok because you can get it done yourself. You would have independence and your animals. Don't underestimate how much his negativity impacts on you. Once you have a space away from him your confidence will return and you can build a life for yourself.

Sheep should be relatively easy to rehome, or alternatively you could buy or rent another property with enough land. How old are the dogs?

(I'm in similar situation but with horses and dogs plus chickens and goats). There is always a way out but it involves compromise.

They have such a charmed existence with us and I couldn’t bear to think they were unhappy if they were rehomed. I don’t think I could find anywhere else with land which I would feel safe living in by myself. I could afford to buy my partner out but I don’t think I could look after the place on my own and it would be cruel to force him to leave his home.

OK, so you're currently looking for all the reasons why you can't.

When you choose to look at how you can, you will find answers.

I have been working really hard to get into the position to do that but I struggle to keep my mood up so I tend to crash and burn after a few days or weeks of frantic activity. I’ve spent the last few days sleeping and bingeing after a big argument about his hoarding.

I said I was stuck so that’s no help.

I couldn’t bear to think they were unhappy

I don’t think I could find anywhere else with land which I would feel safe living in by myself

I don’t think I could look after the place on my own and it would be cruel to force him to leave his home

All excuses.

I could afford to buy my partner out

The solution.

They are absolutely not excuses. What right do I have to force my partner to sell the property he loves to me and I can’t look after it all myself anyway.

Are you both working/independent income so can either buy each other out or fund the renovation?

I could buy him out but he couldn’t quite buy me out. It really takes both of us to look after the animals and the land though so buy out wouldn’t work. We could afford the renovations between us but that would wipe out most of both of our savings and I’m worried that he would treat me even worse if I was trapped there with no money to escape.

Just wanted to say @Gilmorebrats that my MH issues cleared up when I separated from my now ex-H after 25 years of marriage. I do have some residual issues, but overall my life is completely changed for the better.

In your situation, I would go for a clean break far away from him. Do not split the property and have him as your NDN, you need to get rid of him completely.

Have you looked into animal rescue / refuges for your sheep? Unless you have a massive flock of chickens, you can keep them in a decent sized back garden. Same with your dogs.

Thanks @unsync you are probably right. My MH issues did start well before I met him but he doesn’t exactly help my self-esteem. It seems that the more upbeat I get the worse his treatment of me and I find it impossible not to be dragged down by his moods and coldness.
I’m really pleased that you managed to escape and build a better life for yourself x

Just to provide an update - he has agreed that our relationship is beyond saving today. That’s the first time ever that he hasn’t wanted to look for ways to stay together so I suspect he has his eye on someone else. Men don’t usually leave until they have another option lined up. I feel quite dazed by it all atm

Good.

Don't assume he has someone lined up (and what does it matter if he does?), maybe he's simply as unhappy as you are.

It would matter to anyone who had been with their partner for 25 years, even if the relationship was really troubled

I have a good friend who was in this situation who also had chickens, sheep, and a goat and she did rehome them and they are all doing very well. She still visits them a few times a year.

My friend is also doing so much better without the DH and many of her health issues have resolved themselves

You only get one chance so choose yourself this time

Thank you, that is so kind. It will a few months before the property is sold so I’m going to spend as much time as possible with them while I can.

Why don't you buy him out and hire help?

I don't think you're trapped at all but you seem to refuse to see the solutions.

Because it isn’t easy to find reliable, trustworthy help and I would feel vulnerable living on my own in an isolated property. There are regular jobs that I physically can’t do myself as well and it isn’t feasible to have someone available to help each time.

Actually for me it was a relief, just as a counter example.

Now that you know he is going do you feel more optimistic? He can clear his shit, you can get your life back on track out of this toxic mess.

It is a relief that the decision isn’t just down to me as it usually is but I can’t quite believe it will happen and I don’t think he can either. I love my animals so much that I can’t bear to part with them.

He was talking about clearing his shit up today and I said he doesn’t need to now as he can take it with him!

I have sheep. What can’t you do yourself?