I feel like I’m in an impossible situation and there is no way out, not even suicide.
For context I have had a lifetime of MH illness and eating disorders so I’ve posted here even though it is also a relationship issue.
Id be interested in people’s opinions but please don’t be too brutal as I’m very fragile at the moment.
Basically, I’m struggling to make the decision of whether to separate from my partner of 25 years. He is the only person in my life but he can be cold, moody and manipulative. He keeps saying he will change and I think he genuinely means it at least some of the time but he always slips back into the same behaviour.
He also expects me to run our lives which is exhausting and I feel like I am being used because I have all the stress and he just comes along for the ride. He moans that we are driven by my lists but we wouldn’t get anything done if it was left to him.
The downside of leaving him is that I would lose our lovely property and our animals and I can’t bear the thought of rehoming them and not knowing if they are happy and being treated well. Even if I did kill myself and leave him there, I can’t trust him to look after them all well as he doesn’t notice when they are ill or injured and forgets to fill up their water bowls etc.
He is also showing signs of dementia so I’m worried that no one will keep the animals safe if I’m not there.
I’ve tried ignoring the way he treats me but it’s hard to have any self respect when I’m letting him treat me badly and when I think he just uses me for an easier life. If I stay at least I have my animals and my garden but he fills the house and outbuildings with broken crap so we constantly argue about that. He agrees to get rid of it and then goes back on his word so it’s a vicious circle.
If I leave and we sell the house (which would break both of our hearts as we have devoted so much to getting it to its current state) then I would have plenty of money to buy somewhere nice but I would have no purpose in life. I have no friends or family so I would really just cease to exist. I don’t think I can rehome our animals but it seems extreme to put up with so much for the sake of some farm animals.
We thought of extending to have separate accommodation but I really don’t think I have the energy to go through that and he would be no help at all with dealing with all the stress and issues that would inevitably involve.
Sorry that is so long. There really seems like no solution and I’ve lived in this limbo for years, unable to make a decision.
Any observations or suggestions would be appreciated.