Suicidal and I don’t want to be

[dontknowwheretoturn2]

I am 33 and I wake up every morning disappointed that I didn’t die in my sleep and I’ve stopped functioning.

My whole life is a mess and I’m convinced I was put here to suffer, honestly I am utterly certain of this. I don’t know why or what happened but there is not one part of me that is made for this life.

I was sexually abused as a young child, child of addiction, the people who saved me at 7 years old have died and I’m lost without them.

Antidepressants by the time I turned 16, married an amazing man at 21, miscarriage after miscarriage something inside me snapped and I could no longer mask how I felt, 2 suicide attempts later and I stayed 2 months in a psychiatric hospital.

I came out better, or so I thought. I finally gave birth to the love of my life 18 months later, my beautiful daughter 2 weeks before I turned 30. I honestly thought I was cured, I suddenly have everything to live for.

Then I gave birth to my son a year ago and I’ve lost it. I love him but I hate myself. I don’t want to leave them but what if it’s the only way of them living any kind of normal
life because I’m only going to mess them up.

I am on meds, I am under the perinatal team, I am a mess. I do nothing to help myself, I drink redbull on tap because it keeps me awake, I can go days without eating, I mask all of the time because I don’t want my daughter to see me crying, I don’t want her childhood filled with worry like mine was. Their Dad is an amazing Dad, they have so many people around them who adore them.

My baby definitely wouldn't remember be, would my daughter? She’s just turned 3. What if it’s the wrong thing to do? What if I mess up their life? What if they think that I wanted to leave them, I don’t. I don’t want to leave my Husbans either but this pain that lives inside of me and takes over is exhausting.

I go into a drug induced sleep (prescribed sleeping tablets to help with sleep paralysis) and have nightmares that haunt me for days after.

I watch my friends, knowing that they feel
happiness. Why am I so broken? Every time I think I’ve beaten it, it comes back stronger and I’m scared that this time it’ll win. I don’t want to die I don’t want to leave them but I need to feel peace, I need my brain to stop tormenting me. I am not the wife I promised to be in my vows, I’ve let him down and he is one of life’s genuinely good men, he deserves happiness, genuine happiness as do my children, all I’ll do is pull them down with me.

Stay and talk to us on here x your kids need you ❤️

I am so sorry to hear this your pain, have you shared this with the perinatal cpn?

Sorry to read this OP.

However, I think you should ask for it to be moved to the Mental Health topic.

Oh goodness, you are suffering -
please make contact with your emergency numbers that the perinatal team should have given you -
let them know how you are feeling so they can review your care plan and review medication and look at improved support -
give yourself time - things will feel not so desperate in time x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this; please don’t think that ending your life is the only way for your children to have a good life - it’s not. They need you in their life and for you to get the help you need to get well. Ending your life will pass the pain and trauma that you’ve been through on to them, and you love them too much to do that. Please talk to the perinatal mental health team about what you’re experiencing.

Please please don't do it. One of my close friends family members recently committed suicide leaving behind a son and wife. Their whole family have been wrecked by it. They are all utterly bereft. They are in so much pain and feel so much guilt and sadness. The little boy is confused and lost. This is not the right answer. Please speak to your husband immediately and ask for help. There is help available and there are brighter days ahead I promise.

Please please don't do it. One of my close friends family members recently committed suicide leaving behind a son and wife. Their whole family have been wrecked by it. They are all utterly bereft. They are in so much pain and feel so much guilt and sadness. The little boy is confused and lost. This is not the right answer. Please speak to your husband immediately and ask for help. There is help available and there are brighter days ahead I promise.

Please pick up the phone and talk to someone , it really will help . Sometimes when you’re very down it takes a hand to pull you up out of the darkness and that hand is there waiting - trust in that. Have you got a friend or family member that you can ring tonight ? If it’s easier, phone the Samiritans , sometimes easier to talk to someone you don’t know. Reach out - you won’t regret it. Sending you a big hug - the world does care 🤗

Oh and I found out I’m pregnant today. I’ve taken the pill every single day without fail. I do 2 weeks worth at a time in my meds box. Just another mess to add but I am bleeding on and off light pink with some back cramping so maybe I’ll lose them. Not that I wanted to bring another child into this world.

I watch my friends, knowing that they feel
happiness

Please don’t compare your life to your friends. They may have demons and struggles in life that no one knows about. We’re all human.

You need a good psychotherapist who is experienced with trauma to be able to talk through your thoughts and find coping mechanisms.

Please go easy on yourself, your baby is still very young, your body and mind are still adjusting. The first years are so hard. Life shouldn’t be easy and just “happiness” at this stage.

You have babies you love and who love you. A husband you love and who loves you. So these are your reasons to stay❤️

I know it doesn’t feel it right now OP, but I promise what you are feeling is temporary. You won’t always feel this way.

Do you have someone you could call and speak openly about this?

We all love you OP, we’re rooting for you.. we want you to live .. go back to your GP and mental health team tomorrow.. look into that flow neuroscience headset …

Gosh, your hormones / emotions will be all over the place right now, bless you -
even more reason to get in touch with peri mental health team x

As someone who lost their mum to suicide as a child, please don’t leave. I wish every day I could cuddle my mummy again and I’m nearly 40 now ❤️

I flit between they do because I’m their Mum and they love me and I love them so much that it feels like a physical ache in my chest but I am convinced that they are better off without me, their Dad is stable, he’s wonderful, he’s funny and playful and loving and everything they’ll ever need growing up

I see the psychiatrist next week and I’m terrified my kids will be taken off me if I admit to how I’m feeling or worse, I’ll be put back in psychiatric hospital with no way out and missing them

That’s the depression talking -
depression is like a blanket that covers everything positive and good -
but with effective treatment depression can lift …
reach out and hang on in there x

Thank you, I don’t want any money I don’t know what I want just for the feeling to stop

Sorry to hear you are going through this, if antidepressants arent working it may be worth trying antisioctics. They are stronger than antidepressants. I tried every antidepressants they could give me, they worked for a few months and then my body would get used to it. I was put on aripiprazole and it was life changing. I felt like me again. Its honestly worth asking to try those along side your antidepressants. You've got the right team supporting you. Don't give up. I know its hard at the moment and you've clearly done a lot of thinking about who you'd leave behind. It might be worth trying therapy, not cbt or talking therapy something different, there's a few that you could try. Cbt isnt for everything special if you are neurodivergent. You need specialist therphy for that. Often people who are neurodivergent are missed diagnosed or completely missed all together. Sorry to ramble on but ive study mental health and counselling skills ive also been through manic depressive episodes a few times so do have some idea of what I'm talking about. As hard as it is and you've been doing great so far thinking about the people in your life. Keep thinking about them, I think this maybe having some sort of positive impact even if its only a little.

They won't be better off without you and you them. This is something that can helped. You're 33 with a wonderful family unit that you've made. Without you, that unit will be incomplete x

This has killed me
im so sorry
I don’t want to do this to them I just can’t see a way out and I want them to be happy

I just want to know peace and happiness I’m so desperate for that but I’ve got no fight left in me I’m so exhausted of fighting with my own brain

A lot of us have been there fighting those demons. Peace and happiness is waiting for you when you're ready. You have got fight left because you came here to seek help.

I need you to read what you wrote…

Children, husband, friends…you have so many meaningful people in your life, let your friends and your husband be you support network.

you’ve written about things that are worth living for, and if you really planned to end it I don’t know that you would be here and talking to people so openly about it. I’m taking it to mean you know that you have a life worth living, but that it doesn’t necessarily feel like that now so you don’t know what to do.

There are ways through this, please reach out to loved ones and tell them you are hurting. Let them protect you until you are in a place to protect yourself. I promise you that there won’t be a single person whose life would be better without you in it, not one.

I really hope that you writing here is your cry for help that become the first step to turning things around. Step 2 is family or friends, or even professional support. If you don’t think you can talk to them then send them a message that says I need help, this is how I’m feeling, and just copy and paste your first post.

sending all my best wishes to you that you get through this as soon as possible