Suicidal and I don’t want to be

[dontknowwheretoturn2]

I am 33 and I wake up every morning disappointed that I didn’t die in my sleep and I’ve stopped functioning.

My whole life is a mess and I’m convinced I was put here to suffer, honestly I am utterly certain of this. I don’t know why or what happened but there is not one part of me that is made for this life.

I was sexually abused as a young child, child of addiction, the people who saved me at 7 years old have died and I’m lost without them.

Antidepressants by the time I turned 16, married an amazing man at 21, miscarriage after miscarriage something inside me snapped and I could no longer mask how I felt, 2 suicide attempts later and I stayed 2 months in a psychiatric hospital.

I came out better, or so I thought. I finally gave birth to the love of my life 18 months later, my beautiful daughter 2 weeks before I turned 30. I honestly thought I was cured, I suddenly have everything to live for.

Then I gave birth to my son a year ago and I’ve lost it. I love him but I hate myself. I don’t want to leave them but what if it’s the only way of them living any kind of normal
life because I’m only going to mess them up.

I am on meds, I am under the perinatal team, I am a mess. I do nothing to help myself, I drink redbull on tap because it keeps me awake, I can go days without eating, I mask all of the time because I don’t want my daughter to see me crying, I don’t want her childhood filled with worry like mine was. Their Dad is an amazing Dad, they have so many people around them who adore them.

My baby definitely wouldn't remember be, would my daughter? She’s just turned 3. What if it’s the wrong thing to do? What if I mess up their life? What if they think that I wanted to leave them, I don’t. I don’t want to leave my Husbans either but this pain that lives inside of me and takes over is exhausting.

I go into a drug induced sleep (prescribed sleeping tablets to help with sleep paralysis) and have nightmares that haunt me for days after.

I watch my friends, knowing that they feel
happiness. Why am I so broken? Every time I think I’ve beaten it, it comes back stronger and I’m scared that this time it’ll win. I don’t want to die I don’t want to leave them but I need to feel peace, I need my brain to stop tormenting me. I am not the wife I promised to be in my vows, I’ve let him down and he is one of life’s genuinely good men, he deserves happiness, genuine happiness as do my children, all I’ll do is pull them down with me.

You have 2 tiny innocent people who rely on you for everything. They deserve the best and you owe it to them to seek help immediately because they do not deserve to grow up without a mother.

Nobody who seeks help for their mental health gets their children taken from them. You care about them so you are going to get help. That in itself shows you are not a risk to them, the risk would come if you lied and hid it.

I truly believe DH is absolutely sick of me at this point, I was fine then snapped at him earlier and I’ve pushed him so far that I’m not sure how to make it better. I apologised, I’ve cried, I’ve asked for a cuddle to try and counteract this aching loneliness I feel but he doesn’t want to and I get that so I cannot talk to him right now

Please, please phone the Samaritans. Now.

I am so sorry.

Your trauma and loss are so heavy and of course they have impacted you so greatly.

Please do talk to your medical team again and get more help.

You are worth so much more and yes, your lovely children do need you.

Your DH is probably frustrated that he can't make it better for you. Have you had a heart to heart and told him how desperate you feel?

You are very loved OP. Sometimes it's darkest before the dawn.
Be honest with your mental health team, there is no way your children will be taken from you, so hopefully that's one worry you can put aside.
Your babies need their mummy

I'm here to help and to listen.

You don't need to die!

Drawing a pool table could be useful.

Creative thinking skills can be used.

A pool table has interesting colour, using colour can improve creative thinking skills.

Sinking a ball on a pool table trains accuracy skills.

Power control is key in a game of pool.

Looking at how much power your using in a shot will help you knock the ball into a hole and that's part of observation.

Observation is part of strategic thinking.

Your children might like the picture of the pool table.

Showing a child a picture can be positive.

There are things that can work.

A different interest can also be positive.

She is worth more and her children need her.

She is worth more and her children need her.

You are made for this life.

Miscarrages are bad!

But new things can happen, not everything will fail.

Loss is terrible but a new situation can happen after.

Try not to think about the suicide attempts and don't think of the psychiatric hospital!

@dontknowwheretoturn2

Just wanted to see how you are doing. Thinking of you.

Please don’t do it!!! There is light at the end of the tunnel - there really is! This will not last forever! You will feel happiness again OP.

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