How can we get help for our adult daughter in crisis?

[DistantMum]

New poster but long-term lurker here, hoping for some advice.

DD (30) has a long and complicated history of anxiety, drinking too much, impulsive life choices etc. She lives in a town on the other side of the country from us and is currently having what seems from a distance like a full on nervous breakdown following a messy break-up.

i don’t want to go into too many details but she has barely eaten for weeks and we are worried that she now has an eating disorder.

She phones us several times a day in tears, only to end calls the second we say something she doesn’t like.
She refuses all our offers of help (other than financial). She says she has seen a doctor and been given new medication but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference.
DS lives about an hour away from her and sees her often but she usually ends up walking out on him.

Can anyone suggest a way we can try and get help for her? I am at my wits’ end.

Thank you.

Are you able to visit her?

Nothing much you can do, other than encouraging her to keep in touch with her GP. She could probably self refer to talking therapy, if she thinks that would help.

Yes, we have visited several times. She seems a little better when we see her but it never lasts.
she says she will come home for a bit but I don’t know if she will.

We are in touch several times a day. Just have to keep on listening, I guess.

Are you able to pay for a therapist or private psychiatrist assessment?

Yes, and have done in the past, but she won’t consider it right now.

Nobody will be able to assess her if she is drunk. Alcohol is a depressant, she needs to stop drinking alcohol, possibly with help from an alcohol dependency organisation. Don't let her stop 'Cold Turkey'

She doesn’t have to stop drinking BEFORE she can see a therapist or psychiatrist! They can help with the process either as an outpatient or a residential addiction treatment programme but the OP has said that her DD wouldn’t engage with that atm

Private care is your only option. Ask round for a good psych and see if DD will see a highly recommended one. Keep trying. S/he will assess what the problems are and recommend treatment. The NHS might pay for some of it.

Don’t despair - the pills take time to work. In the meantime, tell her GP in writing how ill she is and how you’re concerned that the absence of adequate treatment results in alcoholism.

Thank you - I hadn’t thought of writing to her GP. We will see if we can find her a psychiatrist/psychotherapist.

You can’t really get help for her without her engagement as she has capacity to make her own decisions by the sounds of it.
Just keep showing her that you love her and are there for her.

why does she walk out on your DS?

is going to fetch her and bringing her home with you an option, for a change of scene, where she might be willing to listen and get help?

Hi op unfortunately all you can do is listen or phone an ambulance if you thinks she’s at risk. Do you know why she does this if there a past trauma which has put her in this situation drinking to blot it out! Only she can help herself when it comes to the alcohol as others have said this will make her anxiety worse and may stop the medication working. Could you go the dr with her and get her on medication to stop the drinking. Or get her to come home for a few weeks. It’s a tricky one.

We’re hoping to persuade her to come home for a bit, but she just says she’s too tired to do anything to help herself.

Forgot to add, she had a horrible time at school, which is a lot to do with it. She did have help then but it doesn’t seem to have solved anything.

I really hope she does something to help her self you must be out of your mind with worry especially being a way from her she’s very vulnerable now. I have known people in this situation and they have to admit they have a problem and ask for help but it’s possible fortunately.

Thank you. I am genuinely terrified for her.

Is she working? Ideally she would go and see her GP and get signed off with stress for at least a month. Send her a train ticket or go and get her and bring her home. Perhaps she actually needs to leave her job and come home to sort herself out. She sound so low that she cannot make decisions for herself or take action , she's just barely functioning.

Huge sympathy OP, it's extremely difficult, I really really don't recommend them coming home. You say they hang up /walk away when they don't like what they hear, it's going to be too difficult and high emotions to deal with everything whilst under the same roof, sadly I know this. Regression back to teen behaviour and attitude, you, exhausted with no respite, it's too much. Be available, support and all that you can, then rest, relax and recover at home before the next day

Can you go and bring her home? I think that's the first plan of action.

Easier said than done I know but if she's saying she's too tired to do anything to help herself, how would she react to you turning up and saying you're not leaving until she gets in the car to come back with you?

Easier to get her GP and a therapist if she's with you and you ensure she goes because you take her.

I agree

I would tell her this she might take it on board and come home it’s frightening because you can’t control the situation or fix it without her willingness. Good luck. Sending hugs 🤗.

If you choose to go down the private healthcare route with her consent, I think its important that you all decide what the ideal outcome is.

Is it a diagnosis, treatment, medication, detox? Etc.

Also think about whether you want to see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Understand what each does as they are very different roles.

Wishing you the best.

We have tried that. She says she might come home.

Thank you.