Why does therapy never seem to work for me?

[Veryapposite]

I don't know what I really want to say here but I wonder if anyone can relate.

I have had a lot of attempts at therapy and all of the therapists have been unhelpful in the main. I have had perhaps ten sessions or more with most and end up terminating it because it's just not working for me.

In general I feel they just listen and nod along saying nothing much of value. I don't feel challenged , or that any real insights are coming out of the therapy for either of us. At times it feels like talking to myself. Or equally frustrating, the therapist doesn't get me. So I feel alone, misunderstood or just not really gaining any insights.

After a while I resent the cost and give up. Sometimes counselling had been free through a charity, and I just haven't found them any good.

Perhaps I need something different. Therapy seems to work for so many people, why doesn't it work for me?

I think it depends on what trpe of therapist you have and being clear what you want out if it with them eg are they experienced in trauma , grief etc and do they have the skills to take you forwards . The right therapist can be very powerful indeed

are you open with them regarding what you want from therapy? From your op it sounds like you feel it’s all their fault, remember it’s a 2 way thing.

I know but how do you really know until you try them? I am careful to choose people who are registered and experienced. It's a minefield out there.

I am very open but often find the therapists vague.

Ask them or the service you are using , be specific or it could be a waste of your time and money

Are you having psychotherapy? What you're describing sounds more like counselling

I have tried to find a psychotherapist but find many counsellors describe themselves as psychotherapists when they aren't really. I know a fair bit about it as I have done some training myself. I check their qualifications as best I can.

@Veryappositewhy therapy types have you had, specifically?

It could be the therapeutic relationship, it could be the model doesn’t suit you, it could be a number of other things but it’s hard to unpick without details.

Are you possibly neurodiverse? That can make it harder with some types of therapy.

You have to really do your research before choosing a therapist. You also have to be really clear on your goals, although these will shift or clarify as you progress. You also have to build up trust and be more than open with them. The hardest part is being brutally honest with yourself. Unless you can say the things out loud that you find the most difficult, and painful, you'll struggle to make headway. At least that's my experience.

Try CBT

General person centred counselling I would say. One therapist was psychosynthesis another transactional analysis. One Gestalt practitioner. The TA based therapy was most helpful.

If you could say what your difficulty is that may help ? I understand when you meet a therapist for the first time it’s like they have the power and you’re more vulnerable but maybe writing it down would help and giving it to them . I’ve found knowing what I’m struggling with and what result I want helps

What do you want the therapy to achieve? What issues need to be resolved?

I've only tried therapy once, but I referenced Games People Play by Eric Berne and the therapist had never even heard of it. From what other friends have told me about their own experiences, she seemed fairly representative of the general level of knowledge and culture within the profession.

I needed therapy once after I ran away from a violent relationship. However I got best help by working with horses. I did a day a week in a stables, as voluntary work. The horses helped me best, and in the end I regained my confidence to get on one and learn to ride. She was a wonderful horse and the best therapist

If you want to have your thought patterns and dysfunctional behaviour challenged, try CBT. It’s hard work but incredibly helpful.

A lot of family trauma mainly. Depression caused by that in part. My life has been affected by the fall out of not being loved or nurtured in childhood and having very little support in adulthood. Endless difficult situations and never basically getting my needs met. I've become very negative and lately very anxious. Having to be the 'coper' for everyone else.

I'm sorry you had to go through that – as someone who could also add to the Stately Home thread I know how painful that can be.

What would be the ideal outcome for you? You've describe the problem but not the solution that would make you consider the therapy successful.

I’m interested in your point upthread Therapy seems to work for so many people, why doesn't it work for me? - I’ve found very little robust and objective data on the effectiveness of therapy for clients, let alone data disaggregated by type of therapy and condition under treatment or qualifications of the therapist. It is a minefield.

Therapy has become a bit of an industry over the last decade or so, half the podcasts I listen to have adverts selling therapy services. The difference between therapy and counselling is also regularly fudged. When I was widowed in fairly traumatic circumstances I found many people urging me to get “therapy” but really what helped was my friends and family at the key stages. I considered it because I didn’t want to spill my problems onto others, but ultimately I don’t find the inward focus on myself helpful.

Like @Zuve I found directing myself outward to work and interests much more helpful along with making the time to spend with friends and family - not to “talk about it” but just to be normal and do social stuff. If you are trying to change some behaviours then CBT (from a clinically qualified and trained psychologist) can be very useful but if this is not your issue then give @Zuve ’s approach a go before another try with the therapist.

@Veryapposite
I recommend a couple of books:
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
by Jonice Webb

And
Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel

It may be that you are struggling to find a therapist because your depression stems more from what was missing as opposed to what happened. Just a possibility, obviously I don't know. But I find people/therapists find it harder to understand when it's more about that something is missing rather than when there's something concrete to concentrate on. Hope it helps anyway.

You really need to explore your goals and what you are looking for and then look at the different kinds of psychotherapy modalities. Person Centered will be less challenging because its based on listening to you, hearing you, reflecting back. There are so many other types and you need to do your homework on these to figure out what you would benefit from. By way of examples - excuse me if my quick overviews are not 100 per cent accurate but lets look at just SOME of the differnt types out there: EMDR for examples works on trauma via bilateral movement processing. CBT will explore your cognitiions and offer practical solutions to how you can change catastrophic/black and white thinking and other kinds of 'stinkin thinkin'. IFS is another that looks at internal family systems and your role in that and 'parts work' the different types of self that exist in you and which one is leading in particular situations and which are being ignored ie the child self, the manager self, the protector. DBT is similar to CBT and is skills based and beneficial for helping with emotional dysregulation, helping you to try and work with your 'wise mind' which is the blend of both your cognitive/analytic side and your emotional side rather than letting one side rule all. It works with lots of acronym such as STOP ie stop take a pause, observe, proceed mindfully. There is ACT therapy. There is psychodynamic therapy - which will challenge you and explore the relationship between you and the therapist in the room - much more based on YOU doing the work, YOU finding the answers, being pushed to explore your sense of self and how your previous relationships play out in your current ones. There are so many different kinds out there. You need to figure out what you are looking for. Some are more educationally/solution focussed and some are more exploratory. Or you could do Psychoanalysis and that takes YEARS, or Gestalt where you involve a lot of role playing. Or somatic therapy where there is lots of focus on embodiment ie mind/body connection.

I think the solution would be to find different ways to look at the issues I'm facing and find better ways to cope practically and mentally. I'm stuck in this loop of not knowing what to do or how to cope. I'm aware I have become very negative and also struggle with decision making and feelings of overwhelming responsibility for everything. I can't seem to see the light for the trees. CBT might help with that.

I'm very insightful about my own mindset I think and those of others but in a way that doesn't help because I spend my life analysing everything .

Yes, I know about all of these. I just honestly don't know what would work best. I'm interested in IFS but am put off by the cost of sessions. £80 for an hour!

Part of my issue is chronic indecisiveness .

Who are the everyone else you have to cope for, OP? I think people often focus on the past in therapy but you sound like you understand your past, intellectually at least. Have you allowed yourself to grieve about your childhood? Gone through the process of anger and sorrow? What is your present like? Are you in still caught in the same relationships with your parents and siblings? Or are the people who expect you to cope your life partner and DC? Is your relationship making you anxious and unhappy and are you in denial about that?

I don't think you're likely to find therapy privately that is much less than that per hour though. Or maybe as a previous poster said you aren't ready for therapy or it isn't what you need or won't be useful until you can be sure what you are looking to gain from it and able to communicate that with the therapist? It is a two way street, therapy doesn't happen TO you, you have to lead at times, ask for what you need, as much as work with the therapist. And also be prepared to tell the therapist why it isn't working for you or what needs aren't being met? The alternative is as previous posters have said to leave it and explore other means of support via friends or family, exploring other interests or doing your own research etc.