Feeling trapped abroad, overworked and isolated, how can I cope?

[Exquisitepeonies]

I will try to keep this shortish. I’m an expat in a European country. I moved here over a decade ago to get married. Three kids. I am unhappy. I hate everything about it here, the climate, the culture, the food, nothing tastes good.
I am struggling with the language and feel ashamed because I strongly believe you should assimilate and speak as well as you can, but I just can’t seem to manage it. I try, and people look blankly at me and speak English. I can’t attend language classes because of my job (long hours, can’t get into town on time.) I work for an international global megacorp type company who are working me to death. I often finish each day shaking with stress and it’s affecting my health. I have no friends. By which I mean none. Zero.
I have tried - I joined mum groups and they were just … awful. One or two queen bees and anyone who didn’t toe the line was mobbed. I don’t live anywhere I can meet people. School gate mums don’t talk to me. I’ve tried joining online groups and they’re full of people that are like the distillation of Reddit - hyper liberal, will not give any other opinion the time of day. I don’t really care about people’s politics, I think you should have your opinions and whatever, but people seem to rabidly go after anyone with even the slightest bit of wrong think. My husbands friends don’t like me. My in laws tolerate me as long as I’m perfectly behaved but they don’t like me either
I have grown more and more depressed, I’m losing weight, my hair is falling out and I’m anemic. I no longer see any future. I have begged my husband to move back to the uk and he won’t. We are barely speaking to each other. I am trying to be Vergil for the kids but one of them said the other night that she has never seen me happy and that broke my heart
If i get divorced I will lose my home and children and of course they are resident here so they stay here and I will be stuck here. I wouldn’t want to make them not see their dad anyway, so I am stuck.
I can’t afford a home anywhere near where we live and they go to school even though I have a decent job. I cannot afford to buy anywhere. Rental lists are three plus years long even on the grim bits of town. I am finding myself more and more shut down.
I look online and advice seems to be go out and socialise (with who exactly?) or go on antidepressive medication (nope.) if I go to the doctor and say I’m struggling they will probably lock me up. All the advice I see online is just … crap. I don’t HAVE a bunch of girlfriends to go out with. I don’t have TIME to do stuff because I work so many hours a day and do housework and the kids stuff.
How can I feel better? I think about growing old in this horrible place and it just fills me with despair. I have to function at work at a high level and at home (no bugger else does anything) . However nobody gives a toss and I have to sort myself out. Whining won’t help, and I have to pull my socks up and get on with it. What do, MN? Any advice that isn’t ’go on a spa day with your non existent girlfriends’ or ‘take drugs?’

Start by looking for a less intense job where you have more of a work life balance- could you ask for an internal transfer. Or get yourself signed off with stress first. If you can, also get an iron infusion and start taking b12 etc as well following a blood test. You sound completely burnt out from your job primarily. You need to start there.

Which European country locks you up for asking for antidepressants?

Things sound really, really tough for you at the moment. But things will get better. Is your husband basically a good guy? Can you reason with him? Is there any possibility of changing your job?

First of all you need to sort out your anaemia.
You already have such a busy time, I can't imagine being anaemic on top

I empathize. I also live in Europe. Those who say get another job don't understand that being ok in the language isn't the same as native level and I doubt I will ever be at hat level despite trying.

I can only suggest what I did. I joined meet up groups , attended local (and I hate this term ) ex pat groups , it's much easier to communicate in your own language effectively.
Maybe take a keep of faith abd pist in your towns Facebook group abd say you would live to meet some new friends, suggest meeting in a local cafe
You'll be surprised how many people join you

There are no internal transfers. I asked, there’s nothing/they don’t do that. I changed jobs three years ago but all the companies in my industry are clones of one another, they’re all as bad.
I have had an iron Infusion (after practically begging my bloody GP, you’d think I was asking for opiates and a solid gold brick the way they react, my ferritin was 8 and my Hb was 9 ffs, give me the sodding iron…) I’m waiting for some magical improvement, nothing so far but early days. B12 is ok.
I cannot get a local job, you need perfect local language, and I have a mortgage to pay. If I do leave, I’m going to need that salary.
I’m stuck, I need to find ways of dealing with it and not spending the next decade wishing I’d not wake up. There’s no point complaining I’ve tried that and nobody listens. I need to COPE. Tips for coping. Some way of just I dunno, zoning out and not giving a shit any more.

None, they throw them at you and I won’t take them. What good would that do? You can’t drug your way to feeling alright. They’d lock me up for saying how I felt, which is ‘good morning, I want to blow my brains out rather than live in this charming country of yours.’
@Maddy70 i tried FB and meetings. Most are in the day, and I work. Language cafes? In the day. There are no local cafes, where I live is pretty isolated (small suburb, well heeled, but extremely closed.)
And FB groups… All are insane. You’re not fully deep throating the latest liberal talking point? HERETIC! Back home I had acquaintances of various political stripes and it didn’t matter, but something odd seems to have happened in the last ten years while I was busy having babies and everyone’s insane, and unless you have exactly the same politics as then they hate you. Or try to lure you into cults, or MLM stuff. Expat Facebook is like the fourth circle of hell. Nobody is normal. Back in the UK I never had an issue, I am the kind of person who doesn’t care about status or background or all that. Here? I feel like an alien. It’s horrific.

I’m trying. I took iron pills for a year with no effect and finally got an infusion three weeks ago. So far nothing has changed, but I know it can take a while so hopefully it’ll help. Just being able to actually exercise a bit would be good, right now I’m dizzy walking up stairs. Hoping it sorts that.

Honestly that's not my experience at all. Maybe try a little less intensely (I'm saying this kindly ?/. Your reply was "a lot". Do you like sports ? Maybe join a tennis group etc.
You do have to put yourself out there. Most people work I don't understand your point about that. But please relax and relationships will happen organically , you do have to go outside your comfort zone though.

antidepressants can stabilise your thoughts to give you the strength to make change so I wouldn’t reject the idea. I doubt you’d be locked up for saying you were really struggling and have dark thoughts.
Other than that, keep checking the anaemia, you may need several infusions and extreme fatigue is very debilitating.
Could you start a group for expats yourself? Emphasise it’s about community, support, maybe a book club so there’s a focus and purpose? Or a walking group in the evening for women.

I wanted to ask because you don’t mention the country and it’s something I find with myself. Do you feel these feelings get worse when the weather becomes insanely hot ? I know every year at around this time I feel like I just can’t do this anymore and the thought of 3 or 4 more months of it fills me with dread 😟.

@Maddy70 there are no tennis groups here. Not even sure they play tennis I’m sure some do, not here though. It’s an isolated place. There are no social venues, no pubs, no clubs, no nothing. One tiny shop. No gyms. I used to run but I can’t any more.
Hopefully once the anaemia is fixed I can exercise, right now I’m dizzy going upstairs.
i am fairly upset, hence the ‘intensity’. IRL I am chill, and quiet. I don’t care if people have different opinions to me. I reached out to the online groups (there’s nothing locally, like I say, isolated) and I was just… kind of blown away by how nuts people were. You’d start chatting, the sort of simple ‘what do you do, oh that sounds nice, and how many kids? Oh lovely’ and they’d be grilling you on your politics, your ‘parenting philosophy’ and any dissent would see you booted. I felt like I’d stepped into some kind of surrealist sitcom.
I’m now at the point I cannot see myself surviving another few years here. My marriage is breaking. I need solid coping strategies. How does one become unbothered?

@PurpleLovecats ive tried SSRIs. They lobotomise me and I have to function at work. It’s an absolute no for that. I know some people find them useful and I’d never criticise anyone for that but for me, they are a no.
@bestestwestest that sounds awful. I’m quite far north so for me the opposite - 9m of winter and everything dead and dark sucks.

Have you moved to your husband village? Did You never visit before going there to live?

You have not mentioned your own family and friends from UK? Are you in contact?
enat is there if no pubs/clubs or music venues?
are you living rurally rather than city based?

What country are you in?

@Exquisitepeonies I do understand how you feel though it just feels very foreign sometimes doesn’t it. Saying that seems really stupid because it is foreign and I have chosen to come here 🤷🏻‍♀️ but sometimes you do just miss home and the normality of it. I try to save alot of holidays up to go back to the U.K. for a good stretch and my husband can work from there too. Do you get many visitors from home ?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re ina place where you can’t see the wood for the trees.
you need to get your health back on track first. Take multi vitamins, loads of B12, iron etc and then try and start either regular walking or running again. Take time for yourself and be kind to yourself.
it’s hard to know how to support you when we don’t know what European country you’re in as I’m sure there are lots of people on the group that could help you but your location is a bit vague. If you can give us a country I’m sure we could at least try and help x

Also the place you are living sounds very isolated. I know you said your husband wouldn’t move back to the U.K. but would he be willing to move somewhere a bit more lively ? The nearest city or big town ?

I think you’re asking how to become unbothered when trapped in a situation you have no control over? the only 2 effective strategies I’ve seen have been hypnotherapy and Buddhism. And they’ve been transformative.

I had a relative who lived in the UK, France, Spain and the Netherlands and she was so miserable in Spain I was quite worried about her. Everywhere else she coped or was happy but not Spain. Some countries just don’t work for some people. If the UK isn’t an option what about a third country?

I don’t think it helped that she was in a rich suburb. What about moving to a city so at least there’s more social options?

Change jobs and give antidepressants a go.

See if you can find a hobby you enjoy that you can do solo -knitting, running, pottery, something like that. Hobbies can quiet the mind.

I suspect it’s Finland or possibly Norway, the North of either of them has some of the characteristics @Exquisitepeonies describes.

@Exquisitepeonies I’m so sorry you feel so exhausted, rejected, taken for granted, and generally depressed. Anyone would in your position, though in reality I suspect few people could have possibly kept going for as long as you have. Please give yourself credit for having the physical & mental strength to be able to do all that!

A small point on the anaemia - your ferritin is phenomenally low, it may take more than one infusion to get you towards more optimal levels; you should be aiming for over 75.
I second the B12 suggestion plus also vitamin D as this is almost always too low in Northern Europeans.

Whats your sleep like? improving that always makes me feel better (if I ever get to do it, in reality!)

It could be Sweden, I heard it is very difficult to break into Swedish society as they are so reserved. Plus, the language is hard.

You barely mention your husband. Why can’t you confide in him? He should be very concerned about your mental health and happiness and doing all he can to improve both.

Also, Swedes are perfect at English and are likely to want to talk to an English-speaking person in English.